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Why are you going to couples counseling if you’re not in love with her? You already know what the problem is.^^
Don't want a failed marriage? Responsible for her and her son? Maybe we both change and fall back in love? I'm not a quitter? Take your pick. Marriage is work, you just haven't experienced the work part yet. You're still in the "this person is perfect" phase.
Interesting. I had never heard of these attachment types before. I don't think that I was too far off in recognizing borderline personality traits, as it seems BPD shares a lot of the same behaviors as fearful-avoidant type insecure attachment and the same childhood abuse/trauma trigger, as if BPD is fearful-avoidant coping behavior taken to the extreme where it interferes with a person's ability to function in society. I am really only familiar with BPD due to family members diagnosed with it, so I was not contextualizing the behavior you described in the attachment theory framework, just comparing to my BPD family members.
Anyway, good luck. I hope everything works out well for you whatever the future brings.
Thank you! You're right saying BPD resembles the fearful-avoidant type. The psychologist we're working with is reluctant to put labels on us, but I suppose she would say something if she diagnosed my wife with BPD.
Wait a minute. I see contradictions here. You state that you're indifferent and but then you also state that you would stand by her.
I hope the first statement means that you are being neutral and pragmatic in case this ends up with your marriage ending.
I accept the fact that we may end up divorced. The big part of my individual job in therapy is to stop seeking acceptance and validation in my partners. Other people come and go, but the relationship with oneself remains throughout life.
That's good, but I question why you should stop seeking acceptance and validation in your partners. That's why we have an intimate partner, because there is love and respect there. Or there should be.
If you're spending each and every day and every night with that person, you don't want to be constantly assuaging or managing your feelings because you're not being accepted or validated for the most part. Obviously, every couple is going to have differences.
Therefore, I disagree with your therapist's take if that's what they indeed suggested you need to do.
That's good, but I question why you should stop seeking acceptance and validation in your partners. That's why we have an intimate partner, because there is love and respect there. Or there should be.
If you're spending each and every day and every night with that person, you don't want to be constantly assuaging or managing your feelings because you're not being accepted or validated for the most part. Obviously, every couple is going to have differences.
Therefore, I disagree with your therapist's take if that's what they indeed suggested you need to do.
The point is your partner should be safe haven for you when you need them, but your sense of self-worth shouldn't be anchored in them. It should come from within. I was too dependent on relationships and other people's acceptance to the point where I was constantly looking for confirmation of their feelings. This works like an anti-magnet on an avoidant person, because they feel suffocated. So the closer I was trying to get to my wife, the more she pushed me back.
Absolutely there should be love and respect in every relationship, but the most imporant thing is to love yourself.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Don_Draper
I'm in counseling as well because I'm not in love with my wife anymore after seeing who she is (6 months in).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Don_Draper
Don't want a failed marriage? Responsible for her and her son? Maybe we both change and fall back in love? I'm not a quitter? Take your pick. Marriage is work, you just haven't experienced the work part yet. You're still in the "this person is perfect" phase.
You want me to take a pick why you’re going to marital counseling with a wife you don’t love after 6 months? Don’t you know why?
AND I never said that my husband is perfect. Another poster tells me that same thing. I say that my husband is perfect for me.…super big difference. Ofc I know he isn’t perfect & neither I am….BUT I do know why I love him AND I do know we are compatible. It doesn’t take perfection to have a happy & healthy marriage. If it did…no relationship would be happy.
edit: I would never “fall out of love” in 6 months or 6 yrs “just because”.
Last edited by TashaPosh; 01-27-2022 at 09:50 AM..
The point is your partner should be safe haven for you when you need them, but your sense of self-worth shouldn't be anchored in them. It should come from within. I was too dependent on relationships and other people's acceptance to the point where I was constantly looking for confirmation of their feelings. This works like an anti-magnet on an avoidant person, because they feel suffocated. So the closer I was trying to get to my wife, the more she pushed me back.
Thanks for the explanation, that makes sense.
Last edited by pathrunner; 01-27-2022 at 09:14 AM..
Reason: Add in quote
You want me to take a pick why you’re going to marital counseling with a wife you don’t love after 6 months? Don’t you know why?
AND I never said that my husband is perfect. Another poster tells me that same thing. I say that my husband is perfect for me.…super big difference. Ofc I know he isn’t perfect & neither I am….BUT I do know why I love him AND I do know we are compatible. It doesn’t take perfection to have a happy & healthy marriage. If it did…no relationship would be happy.
edit: I would never “fall out of love” in 6 months or 6 yrs “just because”.
It is not worth arguing with you over, so you win. Take your win and move on.
I’m so sorry you think of it as arguing. I just asked why are you going to marital counseling with your wife when you said you didn’t love her. But I wish you & your wife the best AND hope it works out the way you want. Or don’t want it to work out so you can do your plan B you talked about.¯\_(ツ)_/¯
O.P….good luck to you & your wife too.^^
Just seems you like to challenge every post I make. Things get lost in translation I guess. Those questions I posted were really reasons for giving it more effort. If you only knew how much effort I've already given it, you (or anyone) would likely suggest I cut my losses. But if it can be turned around, I want to turn it around. If not, South America and at least semi retirement await
Update: Having spoken with a psychologist multiple times, I realise me and the wife have different attachement styles. She's a fearful avoidant type and I'm preoccupied. Long story short these typers are formed in the early childhood and depend heavily on the relationship with the mother/primary caregiver. There are a few different methodologies, which is a little confusing, but I'm beginning to understand the dynamic behind it...
Quote:
Originally Posted by mdbr
I accept the fact that we may end up divorced. The big part of my individual job in therapy is to stop seeking acceptance and validation in my partners. Other people come and go, but the relationship with oneself remains throughout life.
OK, so what's the goal timeline here? I mean are you going to do this therapy for about 1 year & see how things are by then, how you're each feeling, & then see if you want to continue w/ the marriage OR not? Because I assume you don't want to continue w/ therapy FOREVER. There should come a point when you're either content or not w/ each other in your marriage w/o needing the continuing help of a 3rd party...the psychologist.
It's just like how each of us have to stand on our own two feet to work & earn & living in life regarding using our skills, abilities, & knowledge. We don't stay in school/college, etc. for the rest of our lives. Graduation day comes & we continue the next phase in life.
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You want me to take a pick why you’re going to marital counseling with a wife you don’t love after 6 months? Don’t you know why?
