Does being “better” in some ways make it harder to meet potential mates? (cheat, advice)

[2goldens]

I had to look at the title of this thread several times to understand what this conversation is all about. Some are concerned about wasting time on the wrong person if they don't meet similar criteria?

What happened to "personality" what's inside the person matters more than any lump sum in the checking account, or the abundance of college degrees on the wall, or their Lord & Taylor dress line/Jimmy Choo shoes, ...

Who cares about all these ingredients if the whole pie is awful!

When I was younger, I would look at the man's fingernails and shoes. That was enough to tell about him. One look and either stay to introduce myself or walk away. But now, as an older mature woman; I enjoy learning about men online =reading without pictures. I don't care about HIS money or HIS possessions. I need a personality that I can enjoy being with. I can't buy that, and why would I pass a GREAT personality over his appearance?

It's all about what is really important to you and what you can live with.

[Seija]

Originally Posted by SnazzyB

Are you really asking if I would judge YOU for having that priority? I really don't know.


You seem to place a high priority on physical appearance. It's important to YOU. OK. So be it. I think the issue a lot of people are having is that you seem to attach a...morality to it. Like to justify yourself but yet judge others. I think that's where a lot of us are at odds with you.


Do I care that physical attraction is important to you. No. Not at all. Do I care that you seem to want to imply that there's a moral high ground to your outlook? Well...I find that a tad offensive. But in the grand life scheme...your beliefs don't have any kind of impact on my life...so....I don't know. Carry on Garth.
+

Now I'm really going to be a devil's advocate here and point out that there are philosophies and schools of thought that hold a moral or ethical imperative to maintain both a body and a mind that do not fall to an extreme, neither deprived nor overindulged.

In some religious traditions gluttony and sloth are considered mortal or deadly sins.

And some people, such as myself, feel it is morally and ethically wrong to consume more resources from the earth than you need as you are depleting resources for no reason other than your own immediate desire, and that affects everyone around you, both now and in the future, not just yourself. It is not that I think someone is worth less as a human being or that I am somehow superior to them. I just feel they are doing a wrong and selfish thing.

[GoAmericaGo]

Originally Posted by timberline742

That's the thing. If they never spoke to them, they couldn't know if there was chemistry or if they're attracted in the first place.

That's why someone being objectively good looking and attractive are completely different things. Objectively good looking people are all over, people I think are good looking to me are all over, it isn't attraction. Never was, never will be. Different words with different meanings.

Originally Posted by timberline742

That is not remotely what I said. At all.

You can not help but changing the conversation, your points, and even misrepresenting what others said.

Later.

How exactly should we interpret the bolded statement other than to mean:

“*physical attractiveness* and being an *attractive person* are both independently real things.”

I personally take it as a person could be some combination of the following:

- Physically attractive
- An attractive person
- Physically attractive and a attractive person

[GoAmericaGo]

Originally Posted by 2goldens

I had to look at the title of this thread several times to understand what this conversation is all about. Some are concerned about wasting time on the wrong person if they don't meet similar criteria?

What happened to "personality" what's inside the person matters more than any lump sum in the checking account, or the abundance of college degrees on the wall, or their Lord & Taylor dress line/Jimmy Choo shoes, ...

Who cares about all these ingredients if the whole pie is awful!

When I was younger, I would look at the man's fingernails and shoes. That was enough to tell about him. One look and either stay to introduce myself or walk away. But now, as an older mature woman; I enjoy learning about men online =reading without pictures. I don't care about HIS money or HIS possessions. I need a personality that I can enjoy being with. I can't buy that, and why would I pass a GREAT personality over his appearance?

It's all about what is really important to you and what you can live with.

IMO, looking for certain traits in a person doesn’t mean you don’t also look for a good personality.

I mean someone *could* throw out all traits….age, gender, location, religion, looks, physical health, mental health, finances, education, goals, hobbies, etc, etc, — but how good are the odds for relationships like that working? I mean I’m sure some people could throw it all out and simply fall in love with say someone’s gentle, caring and honest nature…I think.

[Seija]

Originally Posted by timberline742

That's the thing. If they never spoke to them, they couldn't know if there was chemistry or if they're attracted in the first place.

That's why someone being objectively good looking and attractive are completely different things. Objectively good looking people are all over, people I think are good looking to me are all over, it isn't attraction. Never was, never will be. Different words with different meanings.

Originally Posted by GoAmericaGo

I don’t think anyone will disagree with you that *physical attractiveness* and being an *attractive person* are both independently real things. However, I believe *most* people seek to find some satisfying blend of the two.

Originally Posted by timberline742

That is not remotely what I said. At all.

You can not help but changing the conversation, your points, and even misrepresenting what others said.

Later.

Originally Posted by GoAmericaGo

How exactly should we interpret the bolded statement other than to mean:

“*physical attractiveness* and being an *attractive person* are both independently real things.”

I personally take it as a person could be some combination of the following:

- Physically attractive
- An attractive person
- Physically attractive and a attractive person

I think the point both of you are driving at, each in your own way, is that there is a difference between someone who is considered attractive in general and someone who is attractive to YOU in a "whole package" or "chemistry" kind of way, and the two are not necessarily the same.

As for some combination of the two, well, I suppose some here will say "I don't care if other people find my partner good-looking. All that matters is what I think." Which is true. That's all that really matters in the end.

But on the other hand, rare is the person who does not take a little pride when someone says, "Your new partner is handsome/beautiful/charming." The funniest I have heard, which had to be explained to me, was "Wow, he is all that and a bag of chips."

[SerlingHitchcockJPeele]

Originally Posted by GoAmericaGo

IMO, looking for certain traits in a person doesn’t mean you don’t also look for a good personality.

I mean someone *could* throw out all traits….age, gender, location, religion, looks, physical health, mental health, finances, education, goals, hobbies, etc, etc, — but how good are the odds for relationships like that working? I mean I’m sure some people could throw it all out and simply fall in love with say someone’s gentle, caring and honest nature…I think.

What do you expect to get out of this thread? Yes, the less people who meet your standards the less “choices” there will be for you. Especially depending upon where you live which will be a major factor in the opportunities you have to meet such people.

How has any of this gotten you any closer to finding potential relationships or gaining any experience dating or otherwise? Fact is, it hasn’t.

[Seija]

Originally Posted by GoAmericaGo

IMO, looking for certain traits in a person doesn’t mean you don’t also look for a good personality.

I mean someone *could* throw out all traits….age, gender, location, religion, looks, physical health, mental health, finances, education, goals, hobbies, etc, etc, — but how good are the odds for relationships like that working? I mean I’m sure some people could throw it all out and simply fall in love with say someone’s gentle, caring and honest nature…I think.

Well, you have romantics who believe love conquers all, and you have people who say that love doesn't pay the bills.

I think it takes more than love to make a good partnership. That's why I call it a partnership.

[QuantumNomad]

Originally Posted by JONOV

I can't say that I've seen a lot of "control freak" in any lawyers I've known. What they do almost universally have is a very clear view of 'worst case scenario' that paints them in a bad light. Any rose colored glasses they owned were long ago shattered. That can come off looking like "control freak" behavior, because they often will insist on something like a prenup.

good points, and coming from a family of mostly lawyers & paralegals all of us know how to hide money, and we all grew up knowing people in the court system so anyone who has divorced out of my family really hates us, I'm not a lawyer myself but during both of my divorces I knew enough people and had so much free legal help both of my ex wives still curse my name even the the 2nd one filed for divorce and tried to act friendly about it using the "we can still be friends" angle.

[GoAmericaGo]

Originally Posted by Seija

Well, you have romantics who believe love conquers all, and you have people who say that love doesn't pay the bills.

I think it takes more than love to make a good partnership. That's why I call it a partnership.

I agree. I think there are many qualities that can attract someone to a person — as loves grows I think it evolves over time so that as life happens the love remains. For example, loving someone through health problems, weight gain, financial problems, mental health issues, etc, etc.

[TBruno23]

Originally Posted by GoAmericaGo

I’m a person that has severely struggled with self acceptance, self esteem and self love all my life so I would hate for anyone to think I’m this super healthy buff person that thinks he’s so much better than other people. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Part of picking myself up has been trying to be healthier physically and mentally. People that I REALLY think are physically healthy would just laugh at me.

Originally Posted by Seija

Now if people engage in self-improvement because there is something about themselves they do not like--being ignorant, overweight, or broke--it is absolutely understandable that they would not find ignorance, overweight, or financial mismanagement attractive in other people either. There is a bit of truth to the notion that the things we dislike most in others are the things we dislike about ourselves.

To me, these reflect wisdom of someone who has done deep reflective work toward self-acceptance. It certainly doesn't make others less than, and actually makes us more compassionate towards the struggles of others. That still doesn't mean entering into a romantic relationship with someone who hasn't done the self-work is a healthy decision for someone who has.

Originally Posted by timberline742

You really haven't been in love, that's clear. It feels like you haven't ever had real chemistry either.

Based on both of the responses, I'd wager these individuals are quite seasoned in relationships and perhaps have even learned some hard lessons therein that propelled their growth journeys.