Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I agree. I think there are many qualities that can attract someone to a person — as loves grows I think it evolves over time so that as life happens the love remains. For example, loving someone through health problems, weight gain, financial problems, mental health issues, etc, etc.
True, deep, profound love doesn't go away when problems come up. The other person is such a part of your life that their presence there just is, if that makes any sense.
I see a lot of posts on this forum where people who very clearly have never experienced such love make all kinds of threats about a spouse they haven't even met yet: "If they ever get fat, I'll leave." "If they ever spend all the money, I'll leave." Some even go on about how mental illness is a choice and advise those whose partners are depressed or have another mental health issue to leave their partners.
I see posts like that and I just have to roll my eyes because these people will change their tune should they find that love. The other possible outcome is that petulant, know-it-all personalities will ensure that they are forever alone. Either way, it is all not even worth debating with them. They'll either have the good fortune to find out that this is not how love works (and look back on their past bravado with embarrassment), or they won't.
I started thinking today that in some ways being “better” can make it harder to meet people who you find to be your equal.
What I mean by that is that as you become a better version of yourself you probably start looking for the same traits in a mate. This can quickly limit your pool of potential mates.
Let’s say you like being physically fit…nothing crazy like a pro athlete but like 10-12% body fat and in the gym 3-4 days a week for example. Let’s say 20% of potential mates find the same thing important and take it seriously.
Now let’s say you are college educated, enjoy learning and like having the occasional discussion with some depth — this could also describe say 20% of potential mates.
What if you’re also financially stable/secure/prudent — again what if this is 20% of potential mates?
Now what if you want all three and perhaps a few other criteria…the better version of yourself may have now narrowed the dating pool down to say 5-10% of singles.
The “less better” version of yourself could essentially have a much larger pool of people to pick from.
Not saying you shouldn’t strive towards being “better” but I’m just saying…
Deep thoughts...by GoAmerica. You must be bored today.
I had to look at the title of this thread several times to understand what this conversation is all about. Some are concerned about wasting time on the wrong person if they don't meet similar criteria?
What happened to "personality" what's inside the person matters more than any lump sum in the checking account, or the abundance of college degrees on the wall, or their Lord & Taylor dress line/Jimmy Choo shoes, ...
Who cares about all these ingredients if the whole pie is awful!
When I was younger, I would look at the man's fingernails and shoes. That was enough to tell about him. One look and either stay to introduce myself or walk away. But now, as an older mature woman; I enjoy learning about men online =reading without pictures. I don't care about HIS money or HIS possessions. I need a personality that I can enjoy being with. I can't buy that, and why would I pass a GREAT personality over his appearance?
It's all about what is really important to you and what you can live with.
This is the aspect of the search for a partner that the OP is missing. It's a rather glaring oversight. Character and personality (they're not the same thing) are key. People who think they want blondes will fall passionately for a brunette, if her personality happens to catch his interest, in passing. But whether or not the stays with her (assuming she's reciprocates his interest) will be determined by her character.
So false it isn't funny. Is this how you work? Really? Seems incredibly bizarre to me. It sounds like you make dating a shopping list.
This is just another long list of CDR posts that scream "I've never been in love".
It went that way for me and my husband. We met on an internet forum and we did have chemistry talking to one another, but I did tell him that I'm a visual person and physical attraction is important to me. When he described himself, he did check all the boxes for what I'm attracted to and that made me attracted to him even more; and the picture sealed the deal--I could definitely be attracted to the way he looked (some people, I couldn't be). And when we met in person the chemistry was still there (and our values lined up) so eventually we got married.
I do have my specifics when it comes to choosing a partner. Yet chemistry definitely has to be there as well. I think GoAmerica is spot-on with what he talks about in his OP (though I wouldn't use the word "better"). I have a really small dating pool because the things I want (especially shared religious belief) has cut out about like 95% of the population (at least). That's just the way it works for some people who are picky like me. Others aren't so much and they have a larger dating pool.
The point he is making seems very clear-cut. I mean like I said some people aren't that picky. They would have a larger dating pool. But those who are, we're going to have a smaller dating pool. So I don't understand like your reaction here about how that seems to you that it is "so false it isn't funny". It's true at least for me. It is similar to a shopping list for some people. There are some people we would consider for a marriage partner and some people are just not going to work based either our attractions or values. So like I said it just seems exceptionally clear-cut and simple.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoAmericaGo
Why would you need to date someone to know if they are height/weight proportionate if that’s something you are attracted to?
[Oh, I read this as "Why would you need to date someone if you know they're not height/weight proportionate if that's something you are attracted to" (too early in the morning). But, I guess this maybe has some use perhaps.]
Well, I did. He was my neighbor and we started talking and had some chemistry there. He did check some other boxes I had like similar religious beliefs, military experience, facial hair and a talker. Except he was too tall and had a beer gut. I decided to give it a chance (those two things are shallow anyway), but it ended up not working. I eventually found him to be annoying and the chemistry was just a friendly one, nothing romantic. So I would try to see if there was chemistry with another person as long as some of the boxes are checked; I realize that maybe not all of them will be and some boxes are more important than others.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoAmericaGo
But to pin down an entire thread on someone’s admittedly incorrect understanding of body fat percentages is petty at best. It comes across as arguing for the sake of arguing.
Again, instead of throwing out language about how bad I am (for what exactly who knows) — how about giving concrete examples of what I’ve backtracked on.
Now I've mostly skimmed this thread, but I don't see what Ruth is getting at either (and I get the misunderstanding you made earlier about the body fat percentage; I wouldn't know what the percentage would be for a normal person either and would be throwing out hypothetical numbers). Maybe in the posts I've yet to read she'll give some examples (that I may have missed while skimming and not reading thoroughly). The posts which I have read of yours to me make a sound point that I agree with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoAmericaGo
I will say it again: there is nothing wrong with a person physically preferring to date someone of a healthy weight that exercises regularly.
Nothing.
At all.
I whole-heartedly agree with that. Whatever you have to do to maintain that weight, that's all I'm looking for. It is shallow, but I'm just not attracted to an overweight person (a little overweight I probably can be okay with though I prefer more thin than not).
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
NO NO NO. Unless YOU DECIDE to have fewer choices, you won't. You have the same pool to pick from. Same pool. YOU ARE DECIDING not to. It's not a natural, or inevitable, or even usual end result of "bettering" oneself.
That's not what he said. He said *could* essentially. He didn't say "it essentially..." I read his post that it could be that way if you decide to be more selective. There's some people that decide to be more selective and others who don't. I don't see that he's saying something different now than he did in his first post. Like I said though, I would not have used the word "better". It sounds snobbish. Like those things, being physically fit and having financial security, make you "better" than someone else. It surely does not. It just makes you more physically fit and financially secure; those things don't make one person better than another.
Last edited by Basiliximab; 01-15-2022 at 05:43 AM..
True, deep, profound love doesn't go away when problems come up. The other person is such a part of your life that their presence there just is, if that makes any sense.
I see a lot of posts on this forum where people who very clearly have never experienced such love make all kinds of threats about a spouse they haven't even met yet: "If they ever get fat, I'll leave." "If they ever spend all the money, I'll leave." Some even go on about how mental illness is a choice and advise those whose partners are depressed or have another mental health issue to leave their partners.
I see posts like that and I just have to roll my eyes because these people will change their tune should they find that love. The other possible outcome is that petulant, know-it-all personalities will ensure that they are forever alone. Either way, it is all not even worth debating with them. They'll either have the good fortune to find out that this is not how love works (and look back on their past bravado with embarrassment), or they won't.
What you describe is unconditional love. Does it really exist among humans? Or is it more like, if you treat me badly when I need you I will also treat you badly when you need me.
What you describe is unconditional love. Does it really exist among humans? Or is it more like, if you treat me badly when I need you I will also treat you badly when you need me.
I see love as a combination of emotions, but commitment as a promise to treat you well when you need me. And I expect that in return if you're living up to your end of a mutual commitment. It's not that I'd never leave. But really it would most likely be because you have shown you can't hold up your end of the bargain.
Everybody should have standards but, at some point, you are just being too picky and need to relax a bit. There is no perfect mate. Even if you do find one that checks all the boxes, that person could cheat on you next year or treat you like crap.
True, deep, profound love doesn't go away when problems come up. The other person is such a part of your life that their presence there just is, if that makes any sense.
I see a lot of posts on this forum where people who very clearly have never experienced such love make all kinds of threats about a spouse they haven't even met yet: "If they ever get fat, I'll leave." "If they ever spend all the money, I'll leave." Some even go on about how mental illness is a choice and advise those whose partners are depressed or have another mental health issue to leave their partners.
I see posts like that and I just have to roll my eyes because these people will change their tune should they find that love. The other possible outcome is that petulant, know-it-all personalities will ensure that they are forever alone. Either way, it is all not even worth debating with them. They'll either have the good fortune to find out that this is not how love works (and look back on their past bravado with embarrassment), or they won't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rent.in.ny
What you describe is unconditional love. Does it really exist among humans? Or is it more like, if you treat me badly when I need you I will also treat you badly when you need me.
No, you misunderstand. True, deep, profound love is the love that has people staying together when one partner loses a job, gets sick, travels a lot or goes away to war, gains or loses 20 pounds, etc. It is the love that has them stay together when disaster strikes such as the loss of a home in a natural disaster. It is the love that stays through the "for worse, for poorer, and in sickness" part of the wedding vows.
If anyone considers those "conditions" such that if any of them happened they would no longer love their partner, well, quite frankly, I feel sorry for them. They have no idea what love is, and with conditions like that, they probably never will because life is full of downs as well as ups and they will forever be throwing away relationships as soon as there is a major bump in the road.
However, I think you merely misunderstood what I said.
Unconditional love? No, I do not believe that exists among humans unless a human is extremely dysfunctional, as in someone who stays with an abuser because they love the abuser no matter how badly they are harmed. I think the closest thing humans feel to unconditional love is the love a parent has for a child, but even that could be tested to a breaking point. I have seen it happen.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,733,093 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rent.in.ny
What you describe is unconditional love. Does it really exist among humans? Or is it more like, if you treat me badly when I need you I will also treat you badly when you need me.
I don’t believe unconditional love exists. I think everyone has a point of no return in a relationship. Seija intent IMO is addressing those who claim they would bust up relationships over shallow points or life challenges. Her thoughts, if I can play Dr Phil for a second, is that them statements come from a place of ignorance because no one who has experienced “true love” in its best form would toss out a chance for it so easily.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m probably a shallow one myself and have very little patience to try in a relationship myself. I’ll admit she is talking to me in a way.
I see love as a combination of emotions, but commitment as a promise to treat you well when you need me. And I expect that in return if you're living up to your end of a mutual commitment. It's not that I'd never leave. But really it would most likely be because you have shown you can't hold up your end of the bargain.
I consider love to be a verb, one that encompasses support, forgiveness, communication, help, generosity, gratitude, proactive acts of kindness and compassion, and yes, at times, hard work and effort that requires not only dedication to the relationship and the partner, but compromise and self-regulation of one's emotions, temper, and impulses.
It's the effort part that I see as a trouble spot for a fair bit of people who seek and offer advice here. There is a smallness of spirit and a lack of any kind of willingness to forgive others for merely being human or, heaven forbid, making different choices than they do.
Again, I am not saying to stay with people who abuse you, take advantage of you, or otherwise harm you. In fact, I consider bringing that up to be a straw man because to me, it is common sense to leave people who cause real and significant harm. I am saying that I see a lot of people on this forum who appear to be very self-absorbed, selfish, self-centric, and self-centered as they go on about their lists of what they want and bluster on about things like, "If my spouse gained 20 pounds, I'd divorce." It's very immature and shows that no, that person has yet to fall in love for real.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
