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Of course we measure people when trying to find a life partner and there are a lot of things we look for. The important thing is to prioritize what is most important, to accept what is unimportant, to determine what is realistic, to look at what you bring to the table and to be less judgmental. Often in online dating (as opposed to organically meeting someone in person) we become too fussy, turning dating into comparison shopping rather than getting to look at the person as a whole, rather than just as a sum of parts. There are 12 main attractiveness odometers we look for in a partner:
Personality - Does this person have a personality you like? Does this person's personality work well with yours? Are they kind-hearted?
Values - Does this person have similar values? Do you have similar ethics/morals? Do you have similar political and religious leanings?
Physical fitness - Does this person look to have an acceptable level of physical fitness? Are they of a weight which denotes physical fitness? Do they have the stamina to keep up with you in bed? Do they have acceptable level of physical strength for you?
Lifestyle - Do your lifestyles match up? Does this person like many of the same foods you do? Do they eat nutritionally similar to you? Do you have recreational activities you both like to do together? Are you both sociable people or do you both enjoy staying at home more?
Intelligence - Is this person smart enough for you? Are you able to have enlightening conversations about topics together? Do you respect the person's intellect? How important is it for you and the person to have similar levels of academic knowledge? How important is it for this person to have a certain level of academic completion (ie. a high school diploma, a college degree, a doctorate, etc.)
Employment - Does this person have a job/career you respect? Is it important to you that the person has a good job?
Power/Fame - Is this person in a respectable position of power in society? Are they famous or at the top of their field?
Wealth - Does this person make a lot of money or do they have a lot of money? Do they have a nice house, a nice car and other nice things?
Beauty/Handsomeness - Is this person physically attractive to you? Are they of the right height?
Sexual compatability - Do you enjoy sex with this person? Do you want to have sex with this person? Do you have similar sexual appetites?
Family - Does this person get along well with your family? Do they like your family? Does your family like them? How close are you with your family? How close are they with their family?
Children - Do you both want children? Do you agree on parenting methods (ie. discipline, responsibilities children should have, etc.). If you have minor children from a previous relationship, do they and this person get along well?
For me, personally, when I meet someone and try to get to know them, I try to hone in on their strengths, try to find things which will increase their attractiveness level. If a guy is unattractive at first, sometimes, by asking questions and getting to know the person better, when their personality or intelligence is great, it makes me become more attracted to them. And sometimes, sex serves the purpose of increasing attractiveness too, if it is good sex. One thing which kind of is a dealbreaker for me is height. At 5'9, I can accept a guy who is only an inch or two shorter than me, but it's difficult. Looking down at a guy makes me feel self-conscious and big.
I think high expectations come when a person is not needy. If a person has interests and meaningful work, they can find contentment and satisfaction in those things. A partner is the cherry on the dessert, but not the meat and potatoes.
In order for me to let someone in to my already great life, he needs to really be an A++, or else it’s not worth the adjustment.
I have a very good husband, but I’ve been married my whole adult life. If I’m ever widowed I want to be totally selfish. Its kind of the same thing for a younger person who is already settled and contented, to want to be single.
Just Google “10-12% body fat men” to get photo examples. I probably should’ve said around 15%…basically that’s about where you start seeing some muscle definition….the average person would probably see a man at 15% body fat and see him as “fit” or in “good shape”. Getting closer to 10 or 12% is probably what most people would see as “ripped”.
It is fine to have a few deal breakers but some of you peeps are over the top, almost neurotic if you are serious with these lists. It is no wonder fewer people are in relationships or getting married. It is creepy to be analyzed, judged and tested to this extent just to get to know someone.
If you are measuring body fat percentages (not just overweight vs healthy weight) and that is a deal breaker, then you are a fitness fanatic. Of course some people are fanatical about things in general and they will have a smaller dating pool if they want to match in specific ways.
Men sometimes complain that women don't have hobbies or interests but what they mean is they often don't geek out over them the way men tend to do. Fit means to me- not fat, does some kind of exercise.
IMO people need to relax a little bit, humans and relationships are complex not something to be checked off like a shopping list. And if you have done some self improvement good for you but that is for yourself, it doesn't make you better than anyone else. What if you put on weight or get a disease or brain injury and you're not so smart anymore, or not so pretty anymore. There are no guarantees in life.
I've often wondered how many married people have let more than one important thing slide, and have made it to 40-50 years. They certainly don't disclose that on FB.
I know that is 'conventional wisdom' - look at all the paper, ink, and sound 'spilled' in its name - but I don't think it applies to everyone, certainly not to me at all.
The thought of my 'opposite' makes me retch.
I'm the same way. My husband and I of course weren't exactly the same, but we were way more similar than we were opposite. We were madly in love with each other. I tried dating my neighbor for a while. He's of the opinion that "opposites attract" (his wife and he were the opposite of each other---he's a widower, I'm a widow)--we are quite the opposite of each other and boy did I find out I really was not attracted to him after we dated for a short time.
So, yeah, it seems like it's an old adage that opposites attract (wasn't there an 80s Paula Abdul song with that line in it? "And opposites attract and you know it" or something like that). But--not at all for me. For me it's "similars attract".
And I'm always upfront with my partner that I'm selfish. I make sure to point out all my bad traits right from the start (and of course, this can only be from my point of view; others surely see it differently). It's how it was with my husband and I. As I told my neighbor, for me most of the time it's the opposite as it is for most people (like most people wouldn't do that at the very beginning. But for me, I lay all my cards out on the table and say, "Here's what you're getting into". Like once we establish there's a mutual interest and we're interested in a relationship together).
It is fine to have a few deal breakers but some of you peeps are over the top, almost neurotic if you are serious with these lists. It is no wonder fewer people are in relationships or getting married. It is creepy to be analyzed, judged and tested to this extent just to get to know someone.
If you are measuring body fat percentages (not just overweight vs healthy weight) and that is a deal breaker, then you are a fitness fanatic. Of course some people are fanatical about things in general and they will have a smaller dating pool if they want to match in specific ways.
Men sometimes complain that women don't have hobbies or interests but what they mean is they often don't geek out over them the way men tend to do. Fit means to me- not fat, does some kind of exercise.
IMO people need to relax a little bit, humans and relationships are complex not something to be checked off like a shopping list. And if you have done some self improvement good for you but that is for yourself, it doesn't make you better than anyone else. What if you put on weight or get a disease or brain injury and you're not so smart anymore, or not so pretty anymore. There are no guarantees in life.
According to the CDC — nearly 75% of people over 20 are overweight or obese.
The number 1 killer in America is heart disease which a lack of physical activity can contribute to. But no, I’m not saying to measure someone’s body fat. I was simply trying to give a visual of someone that doesn’t eat too much and exercises 3-4 times a week. I don’t think it’s being fanatical to desire some degree of fitness and attraction towards excercising/attempting to eat healthy…especially in relatively young people of say 28-40. If that’s not something on the radar at a younger age, it probably won’t be at older ages either. You see tons and tons of middle aged men and women who are overweight/obese, don’t excercise and are content living a sedentary lifestyle.
It’s not simply a vanity thing, IMO. When I think marriage and forever, wanting someone that tries to stay fit, active and live a long healthy life is attractive beyond the physical…it’s like a form of commitment to themselves and their partner/family.
Of course we measure people when trying to find a life partner and there are a lot of things we look for. The important thing is to prioritize what is most important, to accept what is unimportant, to determine what is realistic, to look at what you bring to the table and to be less judgmental. Often in online dating (as opposed to organically meeting someone in person) we become too fussy, turning dating into comparison shopping rather than getting to look at the person as a whole, rather than just as a sum of parts. There are 12 main attractiveness odometers we look for in a partner:
Personality - Does this person have a personality you like? Does this person's personality work well with yours? Are they kind-hearted?
Values - Does this person have similar values? Do you have similar ethics/morals? Do you have similar political and religious leanings?
Physical fitness - Does this person look to have an acceptable level of physical fitness? Are they of a weight which denotes physical fitness? Do they have the stamina to keep up with you in bed? Do they have acceptable level of physical strength for you?
Lifestyle - Do your lifestyles match up? Does this person like many of the same foods you do? Do they eat nutritionally similar to you? Do you have recreational activities you both like to do together? Are you both sociable people or do you both enjoy staying at home more?
Intelligence - Is this person smart enough for you? Are you able to have enlightening conversations about topics together? Do you respect the person's intellect? How important is it for you and the person to have similar levels of academic knowledge? How important is it for this person to have a certain level of academic completion (ie. a high school diploma, a college degree, a doctorate, etc.)
Employment - Does this person have a job/career you respect? Is it important to you that the person has a good job?
Power/Fame - Is this person in a respectable position of power in society? Are they famous or at the top of their field?
Wealth - Does this person make a lot of money or do they have a lot of money? Do they have a nice house, a nice car and other nice things?
Beauty/Handsomeness - Is this person physically attractive to you? Are they of the right height?
Sexual compatability - Do you enjoy sex with this person? Do you want to have sex with this person? Do you have similar sexual appetites?
Family - Does this person get along well with your family? Do they like your family? Does your family like them? How close are you with your family? How close are they with their family?
Children - Do you both want children? Do you agree on parenting methods (ie. discipline, responsibilities children should have, etc.). If you have minor children from a previous relationship, do they and this person get along well?
For me, personally, when I meet someone and try to get to know them, I try to hone in on their strengths, try to find things which will increase their attractiveness level. If a guy is unattractive at first, sometimes, by asking questions and getting to know the person better, when their personality or intelligence is great, it makes me become more attracted to them. And sometimes, sex serves the purpose of increasing attractiveness too, if it is good sex. One thing which kind of is a dealbreaker for me is height. At 5'9, I can accept a guy who is only an inch or two shorter than me, but it's difficult. Looking down at a guy makes me feel self-conscious and big.
This is some exceptional advice for those in the dating field. Great things here to consider. Values, personality, intelligence and physical attractiveness (beauty/handsomeness--for me I'd call it physical attractiveness since most of the guys I'm attracted too aren't your standard definition of handsome. The saying "tall, dark and handsome"--rather for me it's "short, pale and ugly") are the top ones for me.
Physical fitness may be up there--I have to say I'm a bit shallow in the area of weight. The guy I was dating had a beer gut and that really got in the way of me being attracted to him; so overweight is going to be a barrier. Now while my husband was thin, he didn't do anything to maintain that; he just had a super high metabolism that never slowed down. He also just didn't each much because he says he never felt hunger. So it doesn't really matter how you're not overweight as long as you aren't (and I'm attracted to older men so in the age range I'm looking at typically they're either going to gain weight or just not at that point, like my husband didn't).
The rest for the most part I can take it or leave it. Employment, as long as they're not unemployed; it doesn't matter to me what he does, as long as I'm not paying for his entertainment, groceries and car payment; the rest I would pay on my own if I was single or married. Power/fame/wealth means nothing. My husband had nothing; it didn't matter to me. Sexual compatibility is a non-issue since I don't have sex before marriage (as long as they show an interest in that is enough). Family doesn't mean anything on my side because my family didn't like my husband; so it would only matter on his part. If he's close to his family then they would at least have to not hate me; and if he's distant (like my husband was with his family) then it wouldn't matter. And children, I'm past that point of starting a family and the guys I'm interested in would be (or should be--starting a family at mid-50s and up is tough) too.
Last edited by Basiliximab; 01-10-2022 at 05:35 AM..
This is some exceptional advice for those in the dating field. Great things here to consider. Values, personality, intelligence and physical attractiveness...
I agree Basiliximab. It pretty much sums up my own views. My daughter, a millennial had no problem finding a wonderful husband who meets all of this. They met in college as friends and fell in love years later after reconnecting. My son on the other hand, always seems to get involved with young women who have a lot of baggage (broken home in childhood, absent father, etc.) They are wonderful young women who are very attractive with lucrative careers, but carry a lot of emotional baggage which is a shame since they have so much else going for them.
Physical attractiveness is the least important thing to me. Integrity, maturity, cheerfulness (sense of humor), curiosity (intelligence) are far more important.
I know that is 'conventional wisdom' - look at all the paper, ink, and sound 'spilled' in its name - but I don't think it applies to everyone, certainly not to me at all.
The thought of my 'opposite' makes me retch.
I will not date someone with opposite values. A difference in background or traditions is fine (obviously, if I have dated American men), but not values.
However, people who have certain personality traits I do not have are often attractive to me, someone a little more extroverted vs my introversion, a little more sensate vs my analytical, etc. Perhaps it is not so much that opposites attract as complementary attracts. When the two bring out the best in each other, often the results are more than the sum of their parts in terms of love, the strength of the relationship, and the things they accomplish in life together.
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