I don’t get how someone can “grow on you” (dates, boyfriend)
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What I can't get my head around are the sheer abundance on this forum (in many subs) of threads that start with the main premise of:
"This is how it works for me. I keep hearing some people say that it's not how it works for them, and this bothers me for some reason, so I'm here to find out if they are lying or wrong, or to sling a little shady judgment their way or something. Discuss!"
Seriously why on earth we can't just accept that attraction, like about a million other things, might operate a bit differently from one human being to the next... You wanna talk about life being too short? Of course the obvious question then is, "But Spork, if that's how you feel, then why do you so often engage with these threads?" Well. Life may be short, but my day is often long... lol!
I do not know if I'm attracted to someone just by looking at them. I just don't. I may know that I am NOT attracted to them, but looks get you a "maybe" at best with me. On first glance, I judge someone as outside of the parameters of my attraction (not necessarily due to typical standards of looks either...some phenotypes just don't appeal to me) or in the broad swathe of "normal enough to find out more and see if I am attracted or not" or "pretty to look at but they have a bad vibe...often pretentious, for instance." If a dude comes off as pompous or jerky right away then he could be the best looking man to ever walk the earth, I will pass.
In order to want someone, I have to like them at least. If I don't, then it's going nowhere. I don't need commitment or love or a relationship necessarily, but enough conversation to find out if we even like each other or not does have to happen.
And if the guy is one of the majority who are average looking, more or less, then the more I find that I like them, the more attracted I am. Or sometimes for some reason I might like them yet develop a weird, almost brother/sister-feeling vibe that is difficult because I do like them and want their company but don't want sex with them. Or I might find that I dislike them or feel as though they dislike me (or lack interest) in which case I am put off and I withdraw from them.
You could call it chemistry or...whatever...but I don't usually know it instantly. It doesn't usually take a long time, but it does take some. And I fell deeply, totally in love with a man who was "maybe leaning towards maybe not..." when we first met. By the end of our first night's conversation, I was willing to give him a chance but still a bit unsure of him. At this point, I love him, all of my senses love him, I definitely don't feel like I "settled"...but it took a couple of months or so, before I reached the point where I went from just willing to explore intimacy with him, to being enthusiastically attracted to him. But he was more shy and mysterious than most men are, for a while at first.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
"This is how it works for me. I keep hearing some people say that it's not how it works for them, and this bothers me for some reason, so I'm here to find out if they are lying or wrong, or to sling a little shady judgment their way or something. Discuss!"
Seriously why on earth we can't just accept that attraction, like about a million other things, might operate a bit differently from one human being to the next...
Because it doesn't lend itself to a formula. A plan. A course of action.
One of the sheer beautiful things about dating and chemistry is that it can be so random. It's the same part that is so frustrating. All these threads about what did I do wrong, was it a successful date, if I do XYZ my pool will change and my problem will go away.
No no no. But no matter how much we try to explain it, they reject it. They just want answers, like cheat codes to a game. Love isn't a game. Connecting with others isn't a game. That's not all how this beautiful life works. It's no check list or path through the woods with a map. It never will be. Embrace it.
I’ve had one relationship with getting to know someone first who wasn’t very attractive at all trying to find other traits to gain attraction and it just doesn’t work.
I liked that he was a good trustworthy person who had a job and could give me some security as I get older but in the end it didn’t change the fact he was short had a receding hairline and a average looking at best face. I felt like making him out with him was a chore where the good looking guys got me wet right away for lack of better term.
I’m not saying everyone is exactly the same but I feel a lot off people who do this he grew on me thing probably aren’t that attracted to their mate and that saddens me. Life’s too short to not be attracted to your partner
How do most of you feel about it?
I think you might be a lot more “average” looking than you care to admit to yourself, which is why you are preoccupied with making threads about guys you’re NOT attracted to. I mean why waist even a thought on such people, if you’re physically attractive enough to maintain relationships with people you ARE attracted to? Fair question, no?
Could it be that it's not his looks that's the issue but maybe the way he kisses and makes out? I don't know about you but I can overlook negative physical traits such as being short and having a receding hairline IF the man knows how to be romantic and knows how to kiss. I've been dating a man similar to what you described and I'm not too attracted to him but if he turns out to be a great kisser, I certainly could be! I think attraction is definitely much more than a body and face. I dated a morbidly obese bald man for awhile--turn off, right? NO, not true. I was able to feel attracted to him because of a number of factors. I really liked his "take charge", very Alpha masculine style and he had a decent face. We liked to sit on the couch watching movies and he was just a very warm, huggy person. I also dated a man with very, very bad teeth and full body tattoos which I didn't care for. But he was very sexy and romantic and would look at me with a searing look like he was dying to get into my pants!
There's nothing wrong with not being attracted to him, but it's likely NOT just his looks but other factors as well that are not attractive to you...
Because it doesn't lend itself to a formula. A plan. A course of action.
One of the sheer beautiful things about dating and chemistry is that it can be so random. It's the same part that is so frustrating. All these threads about what did I do wrong, was it a successful date, if I do XYZ my pool will change and my problem will go away.
No no no. But no matter how much we try to explain it, they reject it. They just want answers, like cheat codes to a game. Love isn't a game. Connecting with others isn't a game. That's not all how this beautiful life works. It's no check list or path through the woods with a map. It never will be. Embrace it.
Right. And I do expect a bit of overthinking when one is spun up over something that didn't work out. Human brains have that excessive need to seek patterns, and I suspect that one bit of wiring has been behind some of the most pervasively wrong philosophies, behaviors and institutions that we as a species have gotten up to over the centuries, eh?
But I also like to hope that most of us are able to stop and recognize a mental exercise that is getting to be pointless and unhelpful after a while. Well. Hey, whenever I point out something exasperating on a movie or a show, my husband reminds me, "without conflict there's no story"...so... Where would the forums be without these conversations, I guess?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rent.in.ny
Sonic always says it best.....and yes, men want enthusiasm.
Well, yes, but who doesn't? I mean, if anything, I think that women need it and take it for granted even more than men do. One of the sexiest things for most women ("reactive desire" to use a term from a certain book) is when we know that a man we are into WANTS us. And if we feel like our partner has lost desire or attraction, has no enthusiasm left for us...that's pretty crushing, isn't it? Whereas I have seen and known plenty of men (if not the best ones) who are content with willingness, even if they might prefer enthusiasm.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rent.in.ny
Sure, I want to add....somebody I see ugly, but who is attractive to other people is not ugly, I am talking about ugly-ugly.
Which personally I think is pretty rare. I knew a very pretty girl that my son dated for a little bit who was flat out OBSESSED with a rapper (I think?) called "Lil Peep." There are girls who go nuts over Post Malone, aren't there? I've met some pretty extreme examples of what I'd personally consider to be ugly...that nonetheless somebody found appealing.
Do not get me started on how people decorate their homes!!
To be serious for a moment, prior to regretting that I'm sure, I believe their are three camps people inhabit regarding how and when attraction occurs. For some people, a person can grow on them. For others that never happens and attraction is immediate or nearly so, or not at all. The third camp is comprised of people for whom attraction is immediate, until it's not and then boy do they feel foolish with all their "this is how it is and everyone else is settling" bull****. I'm sorry, that should read "pronouncements".
I experience both. What I find immediately attractive is no surprise to me or likely to anyone else. The "grow on me" kind of attraction, if you don't or haven't yet experienced it, can happen when I've known a woman for a bit without thinking of her "that" way until a moment when I do. That's how it happens for me and it's more satisfying I think. It's more seductive. It's not about a woman dressing differently or her doing anything with the intent of grabbing my attention, but more about how she does ordinary things. Her laugh, or the way surprise brightens her face or righteous anger darkens it. There's a moment when I know I find her attractive but it didn't happen in a moment but over time in gentle increments that drew me in. And when that moment blooms on my face she might see it and know, and later tell me that the look in my eyes in that moment was for her like looking in a mirror, a reflection of her eyes seeing me in "that" way, and noticing how I walk or smile or the way I listen to her as if the next word she says will answer some deep unspoken question.
And then we already know each other and the sexual spark isn't dampened by the real person being less ideal than we had hoped. We are for each other a mutually pleasant surprise, a gift we hadn't expected, or in my case one I feared would never arrive.
I guess I'm recommending opening your minds and your hearts if they're closed to this possibility. Especially if you're oh so certain. That kind of certitude almost always masks fears.
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