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I'm re-reading the OP in light of some of the comments.
OP, you say she's dated a few guys before, but only for 3 months max, because none of them had much direction in life. Then you say you were her first BF. Yet, you didn't last more than 3 months with her, either. So how do you define "BF"? Yes, you were the only one (according to her) who knew where he was going in life, and was doing something about it, but you still didn't last more than 3 months, if that.
And maybe expecting some form of self-sacrifice after just one or two months of seeing each other on the weekends (a total of 4-8 dates) was expecting that level of devotion too soon. But I personally don't think it would be too much to ask or expect, that she might make the effort to drive you home a couple of times/dates/month, if she enjoyed your company, which she obviously did. And it's not like she couldn't have been the one to travel to see you a couple of times/month, after you two decided you were into each other.
How many of the previous dating partners did she introduce to her parents? I wonder if there's a pattern here, of too-much-too-soon, in terms of starting out with high hopes, even introducing someone to parents just 4-6 weeks in, then fizzling a month later.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-13-2022 at 10:19 AM..
I probably bring some personal experience to this whole scenario, that colors my perception.
I used to date a guy who lived 2 hours away from me. Sometimes he'd come to my house, sometimes I'd go to his. As time went on, it became more and more apparent to me, that we were not going to make it for the long haul. As time went on, my heart just wasn't in it. And driving 2 hours back and forth eventually was NOT worth it to me.
And he'd want to call and talk for a couple of hours every night! Good grief, what the heck can we talk about for 2 hours, and why does he assume this grown ass woman has nothing better to do, than talk for 2 hours every night? LOL
Eventually, I told him to only call 2 nights a week, and then I started "not being home" when he would call, and eventually I just plain broke it off with him.
Seems to me, people ARE willing to sacrifice, if they think it's worth it...but we won't always think it's worth it, and that's just how it is.
I can relate to that. While I can enjoy long phone visits with friends, they're enjoyable precisely because they're an infrequent treat. Even when I have a lot to talk about with someone, and our conversations click every time we talk, if it happens too often, I'm thinking, "Yikes! How am I going to get everything done that's on my plate, with these frequent chat sessions?"
Sorry it didn't work out. Things seemed to be going swimmingly, at first. Her parents were great with you, for example. I wonder what they think of the breakup.
I didn't understand the bit about Xmas, and your sister, etc. Couldn't follow the story.
Asking for a little more communication shouldn't be a deal-breaker, lol. You weren't asking her to be an obsessive texter, but just to touch base with you during the week. That =/= wanting to "change" her.
What stands out for me in your story is the bit about you spending $100 just to transport yourself to her and back, for dates. What, she couldn't drive you back home after the date? She's the one with the car. And you say, it's only a half-hour drive each way? Were there no options to meet in the middle occasionally? And she didn't like your bedding?? But you rose above that, and went shopping with her for bedding.
It's hard to tell, but it seems like she's missing the big picture. You both were completing professional degrees, so it's a good match in that regard. You both obviously are intelligent, responsible people with a great future in front of each of you. It means you share some important values, and probably have a lot of interests you share, a lot of material to keep conversations going with. Maybe there was a difference in maturity level? Or for whatever reason, she came to feel it wasn't a good match after all?
Beats me, OP, But you certainly made plenty of effort. Which, as you point out, doesn't seem to have been reciprocated. (Like, would it kill her to drive you home once in a while?) One can't help but conclude, that that tells you where you stood with her. Actions speak louder than words.
Better luck next time. Congrats on getting all your ducks in a row, to have a successful launch to your career life, though. Very impressive. Give it time, and you'll meet the right person eventually.
Correct Ruth. I have been trying to relay this story to everyone around me (including my advisor) and they all feel the same way you do. And trust me, I have people in my life that will set me straight (big time -- especially my sister) if I'm wrong on something. I am thankful for that.
Just to clarify things, on the weekends (Saturdays) where I'd go to her house (and spend the evening), we would drive back to my area on Sunday because we went to my church. I agree that she is missing the bigger picture (all of the things you mentioned in the paragraph of yours I bolded is true). I have made plenty of effort every step of the way. I didn't understand the part about changing her either. At the end of the day, the only thing that would've changed is us communicating more throughout the week -- something couples do, so I'm just as confused.
My ducks are definitely in a row though so I know I'll be fine! The first day I met her I told her about how I had just applied the day before for a job at a company that makes a popular product. She watched me get this job (and her and I along with my advisor and his wife celebrated). Since then, I have had an interview at a top University in the country and one of my proposals accepted at a national conference. She has seen this as well. I am doing very well for myself professionally and even better now with Biden's extended student loan moratorium. My goals after graduation are to pay them all off and purchase a home.
I can relate to that. While I can enjoy long phone visits with friends, they're enjoyable precisely because they're an infrequent treat. Even when I have a lot to talk about with someone, and our conversations click every time we talk, if it happens too often, I'm thinking, "Yikes! How am I going to get everything done that's on my plate, with these frequent chat sessions?"
Two hours each way is very different from 1/2 hr.
Yeah...one time, as I was leaving his place on a late Saturday night, and it was snowing outside...I took the wrong exit, and was driving in the opposite direction of where I lived for about an hour.
I live in the St. Louis metro area. He lived north, in Hannibal Missouri. I didn't know I was driving in the wrong direction until I saw a sign that said "Keokuk IA, 50 miles ahead." LOL Ai yi yi!
Correct Ruth. I have been trying to relay this story to everyone around me (including my advisor) and they all feel the same way you do. And trust me, I have people in my life that will set me straight (big time -- especially my sister) if I'm wrong on something. I am thankful for that.
Just to clarify things, on the weekends (Saturdays) where I'd go to her house (and spend the evening), we would drive back to my area on Sunday because we went to my church. I agree that she is missing the bigger picture (all of the things you mentioned in the paragraph of yours I bolded is true). I have made plenty of effort every step of the way. I didn't understand the part about changing her either. At the end of the day, the only thing that would've changed is us communicating more throughout the week -- something couples do, so I'm just as confused.
My ducks are definitely in a row though so I know I'll be fine! The first day I met her I told her about how I had just applied the day before for a job at a company that makes a popular product. She watched me get this job (and her and I along with my advisor and his wife celebrated). Since then, I have had an interview at a top University in the country and one of my proposals accepted at a national conference. She has seen this as well. I am doing very well for myself professionally and even better now with Biden's extended student loan moratorium. My goals after graduation are to pay them all off and purchase a home.
Thanks for the additional info. You've been applying for jobs in both industry and academia? What's your field? (I'm wondering if I'd enjoy attending one of your lectures. )
The lady reminds me of my sister, who breaks up with everyone after a few months. She has no idea why she does this, but we all suspect it is because she is afraid of getting dumped so she beats the guy to the punch.
This behavior has never changed. Sis is now over 70(!) and has never been married; never had a romantic relationship that lasted more than a couple of months.
If he was a driver, a 1/2 hour wouldn't be a big deal. But he's not a driver, so he had to rely on an uber or public transportation...so the distance IS a significant factor in their relationship. It's a distance long enough to be problematic. Eventually, he asks her to help toward the cost of transportation...which implies "I can't afford you."
This girl herself mentioned that the driving to me was not an issue. She had no issues with the distance and neither did I. It was not a significant factor really. Towards the end of the relationship it was becoming more even in terms of spending time at each other's places. I'm not sure where you got that I asked her to help towards the cost of transportation. Can you point to where I mentioned that? The transportation was not the big issue between us.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SnazzyB
Also, he didn't like the amount of communication he was getting from her, and tried to tell her what was acceptable to him. I'm not telling him he's wrong to want more communication...but it's seemingly NOT her style, and in the short amount of time they've been dating, they've had several hiccups. IMO, they're not a good match.
Yea, perhaps there is an incompatibility with how much communication there was. It's funny, because I didn't feel that way in October. Only towards the end of November/early December. But I think as Ruth said, to let that all go because you don't want to talk 1 or 2 more times a week says a lot about where you stand with said person and how much they value the relationship (not very much) -- the whole point I was trying to make in my first post.
If you value your relationship or the person, I would assume that communicating one or two more times throughout the week via phone call (her preferred method) would not be a deal breaker. She even was the one who said that she could do this and asked me what time I'm free for a call. The fact that she went home and did a 180 says a lot.
I'm not sure I would describe it as "tried to tell her what was acceptable to him". That sounds extremely controlling (like I'm her parent or something) and the way you phrase that (given what I wrote in my post) says a lot about you. More like, I expressed how I feel about communication in a committed relationship to her.
Last edited by Nonameneeded; 01-13-2022 at 11:03 AM..
Some people will disagree, but a relationship shouldn't be a lot of work. As for the past relationship...did she have a car? If she had transportation and was really into you she would have driven to see you every possible chance. Still, she did take you to meet her family. Maybe to make them happy that she was seeing someone. It could be quite unconscious on her part. Maybe she just got scared. 28 and still a virgin is unusual. Is she deeply religious? That could come into play. The relationship is over so it's pretty much irrelevant.
In the future try to date people where you don't need to uber. At least one of you should have a vehicle and be willing to travel or there should be public transportation available. Perhaps a ride share might be a better option than uber? That's something to look into.
Congratulations on your graduation and I hope you enjoy your new job. Another relationship will happen. It doesn't really matter if it moves slow or fast. As long as you don't immediately move in together it is fine if you see each other every day, or once every week or two. You may go through another half dozen relationships of varying duration before you find one that lasts. That's assuming you want a long lasting relationship, family, etc. Breaking up might hurt, but it doesn't kill us. Well....unless you get involved with a psychopath. :-)
I'm re-reading the OP in light of some of the comments.
OP, you say she's dated a few guys before, but only for 3 months max, because none of them had much direction in life. Then you say you were her first BF. Yet, you didn't last more than 3 months with her, either. So how do you define "BF"? Yes, you were the only one (according to her) who knew where he was going in life, and was doing something about it, but you still didn't last more than 3 months, if that.
Exactly! Crazy isn't it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
And maybe expecting some form of self-sacrifice after just one or two months of seeing each other on the weekends (a total of 4-8 dates) was expecting that level of devotion too soon. But I personally don't think it would be too much to ask or expect, that she might make the effort to drive you home a couple of times/dates/month, if she enjoyed your company, which she obviously did. And it's not like she couldn't have been the one to travel to see you a couple of times/month, after you two decided you were into each other.
I don't expect self-sacrifice after 2 months. I brought this up because she mentioned the idea of changing herself. If talking or texting a little bit more throughout the week is too much I dread what other things she would be unable or unwilling to do in a long-term relationship. Who knows.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
How many of the previous dating partners did she introduce to her parents? I wonder if there's a pattern here, of too-much-too-soon, in terms of starting out with high hopes, even introducing someone to parents just 4-6 weeks in, then fizzling a month later.
None. She told me she never introduced anyone to her parents before. Although I think one guy saw her parents when he picked her up? But no introduction. I was the first.
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