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So you dated a 28 year old virgin with no relationship experience and it ended badly. How could that be surprising? Most people go through that training exercise in High School or the first few years of college. Next time, date an adult who has actually experienced a few longer term relationships.
Hi GeoffD, I thought about this too. I'm not even gonna say you're wrong. You're probably right. The lack of experience is probably a dealbreaker for me now, but I want to give it some more thought before I rule out the women who don't have any dating experience. As I mentioned as one of the caveats towards the end of my first post, someone with more dating experience (especially negative ones) I would assume is likely to value their good relationships more.
"To me, love is about sacrifice and being selfless. I think "what have I done for him/her (or what does he/she do for me) that they get nothing from in return, or worse, they don't like to do, but do it anyway just because of me?" This is essential to the kind of relationship so many people (including this woman) desire (long-term commitment/marriage). So the comment about changing herself is an interesting one. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there are long-term relationships where people don't sacrifice anything or don't have to feel selfless? I don't know, but some people have this trait and others just don't. She has never had to long for anything so she has never had to do anything to ease someone elses concern or balance a relationship."
I find this concerning. You are telling US that you're concerned she hasn't sacrificed for you. In loving relationships, sure...couples make sacrifices for each other, but they do it willingly. Not because their 'other' implies they're being selfish if they don't.
You are wrong. I am not telling you or anyone else in this thread that I'm concerned that she hasn't sacrificed for me. I don't know how you got that from reading this but you should re-read it. For the record, if I felt that way, that is exactly what I would have written. It was only a 2 month relationship. I was not expecting any sacrifice from her. What I was trying to say the following: if she is so concerned with "changing" who she is, and an essential part of things like long-term relationships and marriage are sacrifice (which requires us to change), how could she be in one that will last? This quote wasn't about me. Slow down SnazzyB.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SnazzyB
This idea that you think you were being selfless, and she was being selfish...well, I don't know that that's the most objective way to look at it...but I can totally get it that she rejected you and that notion. That's not a happy relationship.
I think you are assuming a multitude of things about me on top of putting words into my mouth. For example, I did not say she was selfish at all. In fact, that word is not even written anywhere in my first post. You should really re-read what I wrote. I sense a heavy amount of bias in your posts. I'm not going to rebuttal this one because it's something you conjured from who knows what. If I felt that she was selfish I would've told her that and I would've written it in my first post.
Thanks for the additional info. You've been applying for jobs in both industry and academia? What's your field? (I'm wondering if I'd enjoy attending one of your lectures. )
My field is education, and in particular math education and ed-tech.
Some people will disagree, but a relationship shouldn't be a lot of work. As for the past relationship...did she have a car? If she had transportation and was really into you she would have driven to see you every possible chance. Still, she did take you to meet her family. Maybe to make them happy that she was seeing someone. It could be quite unconscious on her part. Maybe she just got scared. 28 and still a virgin is unusual. Is she deeply religious? That could come into play. The relationship is over so it's pretty much irrelevant.
In the future try to date people where you don't need to uber. At least one of you should have a vehicle and be willing to travel or there should be public transportation available. Perhaps a ride share might be a better option than uber? That's something to look into.
Congratulations on your graduation and I hope you enjoy your new job. Another relationship will happen. It doesn't really matter if it moves slow or fast. As long as you don't immediately move in together it is fine if you see each other every day, or once every week or two. You may go through another half dozen relationships of varying duration before you find one that lasts. That's assuming you want a long lasting relationship, family, etc. Breaking up might hurt, but it doesn't kill us. Well....unless you get involved with a psychopath. :-)
Apparently she did drive to the OP's area on Sundays, to go to church with him. So he did get a ride home, after spending Saturday with her. But why couldn't they have occasionally started out the weekend with her coming to church, then they'd make a day of it on Sunday, doing things together in the OP''s part of town? Why was it always the OP going to her part of town? Though in the first few introductory dates, I can see that, until they decide they're an item. Which apparently they did decide pretty early on.
I probably bring some personal experience to this whole scenario, that colors my perception.
I used to date a guy who lived 2 hours away from me. Sometimes he'd come to my house, sometimes I'd go to his. As time went on, it became more and more apparent to me, that we were not going to make it for the long haul. As time went on, my heart just wasn't in it. And driving 2 hours back and forth eventually was NOT worth it to me.
And he'd want to call and talk for a couple of hours every night! Good grief, what the heck can we talk about for 2 hours, and why does he assume this grown ass woman has nothing better to do, than talk for 2 hours every night? LOL
Eventually, I told him to only call 2 nights a week, and then I started "not being home" when he would call, and eventually I just plain broke it off with him.
Seems to me, people ARE willing to sacrifice, if they think it's worth it...but we won't always think it's worth it, and that's just how it is.
Okay now this finally makes sense to me LOL, because your posts are leaking with an unreasonable amount of bias. I hope you realize.
You are wrong. I am not telling you or anyone else in this thread that I'm concerned that she hasn't sacrificed for me. I don't know how you got that from reading this but you should re-read it. For the record, if I felt that way, that is exactly what I would have written. It was only a 2 month relationship. I was not expecting any sacrifice from her. What I was trying to say the following: if she is so concerned with "changing" who she is, and an essential part of things like long-term relationships and marriage are sacrifice (which requires us to change), how could she be in one that will last? This quote wasn't about me. Slow down SnazzyB.
I think you are assuming a multitude of things about me on top of putting words into my mouth. For example, I did not say she was selfish at all. In fact, that word is not even written anywhere in my first post. You should really re-read what I wrote. I sense a heavy amount of bias in your posts. I'm not going to rebuttal this one because it's something you conjured from who knows what. If I felt that she was selfish I would've told her that and I would've written it in my first post.
Hmmm. Maybe I am conjuring. I like to be right...but it's a fool that thinks they're never wrong.
You broke up and you think, you are done.
Then you are done. Why dwell on that?
Unless you want it undone...
Hi Elnina, you sound like my therapist lol. That's something she tried to tease out of me last session. We'll see. I think for now I am closed off. Something deep down was/is telling me that jumping right back into dating isn't the right thing to do, and that I need to wait at least until I defend my dissertation before I put myself back out there (if I decide I want to try dating again). I don't think I do but my thoughts could change.
Hi GeoffD, I thought about this too. I'm not even gonna say you're wrong. You're probably right. The lack of experience is probably a dealbreaker for me now, but I want to give it some more thought before I rule out the women who don't have any dating experience. As I mentioned as one of the caveats towards the end of my first post, someone with more dating experience (especially negative ones) I would assume is likely to value their good relationships more.
I said long term relationship experience, not dating experience. Until you've had a few long term relationships, you're going to have all kinds of unrealistic expectations. There's no user guide. You have no frame of reference to pick someone who is actually compatible.
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I'm a mathophobe. But math education definitely needs improvement in this country. Great career choice! Best wishes!