Six Year Relationship Ending In Partner Leaving For Someone Else - Isn't Willing to Give Time of Space for Me to Process

[pathrunner]

Originally Posted by E-Twist

Succinct!

OP, if he won't accept what an appraiser says it's worth, is he going to take a realtors advice on what to ask? Or is he planning on asking a lot more? Because if it goes on the market at too high of a price it could sit there, even in this crazy market. That would give you time to do all the processing you want. OTOH, if he can actually manage to get more than you think he can, maybe consider it a good thing. I still wouldn't put any of my own labor into it. I suggest you start sorting through your stuff in anticipation of having to move.

But as someone else said, see a lawyer. You might be able to force him to sell it to you at its appraised value, assuming you can afford it. I certainly don't know the rules on a split up like yours, but I wouldn't procrastinate about finding out where I legally stand.

That's right. No more "free" labor on your part. If you do any more labor, keep very careful notes of what was done, how long it took, and what it cost if anything (supplies - receipts).

Preparing to move, like packing things you aren't using (and getting rid of extra stuff you've been meaning to get rid of) would certainly be a good idea too, in case you have something sprung on you that you aren't prepared for.

[ellie]

Originally Posted by Ned B

Unfortunately the value of the house is likely in itself to be a point of contention. The house has next to no current comps right now. Last year when we refinanced for lower interest rates and consolidated debt, we struggled to get the value up high enough to make the refinance work. The appraiser basically pulled favors and considered houses in other municipalities miles away to achieve the 360k that we needed. As I look at the comps now, there is one house in the neighborhood that sold last summer for 320, but it is 20% smaller on a smaller lot, but with an additional bedroom and more neutral family oriented interior (our house is very formal, and very taste specific). Nothing else has sold for over 300k in a year. On the other hand a 10,000 square foot mansion up the street that has been on the market for months just apparently had an accepted offer for 700k.


My partner things that with the right cash buyer we could get 450k to 500k for our house. I don't know how realistic that is but no appraisal would support that. For that reason he is unwilling to accept an appraisal for value or be bought out because he feels that he will be undersold that way.




Also to clarify my prior comment for E-Twist, it's not that I was processing the holidays, they were still happening. With Covid, our get togethers were spread over several weeks and we had relatives to visit and parties to host. And we were going to play at that there was nothing wrong through all of that.

Since there’s been a major housing shortage in the past year or so, you will do okay.

[Hankrigby]

Originally Posted by Ned B

Hi all, so some basics before I get into my questions:


We are a gay couple, unmarried, and together for 6 years. It's been exceedingly rocky going for the last four, and in retrospect I should have given up long ago, but I was putting in any effort that I could to make it work, because I care about him deeply. Three years ago we purchased a project house together; it's held jointly in both of our names. There's been a lot of stress and arguments from projects that don't go as planned, but he also has been generally unhappy for a long time. He is unsatisfied that we are unmarried, but it's been difficult to propose to someone who is threatening to break up every few months, that we haven't yet made plans for children, and that I have tried to make our house, which I love (too) work for us. He has seen this as choosing my own happiness in the house over his own happiness and putting him second. When we met, I had the larger of the two incomes, but after several job changes he has for the last couple years made significantly more than me.



Sometime mid December he gave me an ultimatum that I had until the end of the year to fix our relationship or he was leaving. Frankly I wasn't sure what to do with this since it's been unclear from the prior occurrences what to take seriously, but I did my best to have a happy holiday season. I guess he planned to follow through though. Around Christmas I think he met someone new. I started noticing he was texting more than usual and leaving home to shop but never bring much back for the time he spent shopping. The day after New Year he was gone for the night to take care of his grandmother with pneumonia (the part about her being sick was true). The next day he sat me down to tell me that he thought we needed to break it off since neither of us are happy and we don't have enough in common. He wanted to immediately start talk about selling the house and splitting of assets, but mentally I still needed to get through the last of the holiday get togethers and family events before I'd be ready to do anything of the sort. I guess I also felt that given a little time, and since he agreed to try therapy, that he might come back around.


Last week he was away from home 4 nights with various excuses, like he needed to get away and stayed at his parents, or he went on a weekend trip to Michigan to visit a friend. I was also aware that the texts had turned into hour long phone conversations that he would have in a private room. I knew there had to be someone else, but he wasn't going to tell me what is really going on. When he arrived back from his weekend trip yesterday I stole a quick look through his phone. I feel awful for having done it but I wasn't sure how else I would know what is happening to me. It seems like what these two have together is very serious and they are already planning their life together and working through how they can get me out of the picture. He has yet to tell me any details himself; I just got him to admit that there was someone else today.



Upon arriving home my partner launched again right into selling the house again, getting realtors lined up, and contractors to throw together any unfinished projects to get top dollar. He also starting making piles of of things that he no longer wanted and I would be welcome to or he would be putting into a garage sale. I feel like I am still processing this new development and I want time to figure out where my life is headed before I have everything pulled out from under me. The way it's happening I also feel like I and my feelings don't matter in this situation. I'd need more time to process and reflect on what happens next. I would like to explore the option of buying out the house from him, if that is even possible, and I need to decide if I am staying in the suburbs at all or moving back to the city. I have brought this up to him, but he's not willing to consider anything else. He feels that the house needs to be sold because right now with a cash offer that is how we will get the greatest profit, and he doesn't feel that I would be able to adequately maintain and pay for it myself. He also sees the house as more his because he has put up more of the money towards its renovation versus me who has done more of the physical work.


Does any one have any tips on how I go about this? How do I slow the process down so that I can figure out what is best for me, and how do I exert my opinions in this circumstance? And if you have any other advice in this situation it would be much appreciated.

My first thought is if he wanted to be married so bad why didn't he purpose? You're both men so there isn't an expectation for one of you to purpose to the other.

My suggestion is to get away. Sell out your portion of the house. And go away. He has moved on it seemed he did before y'all broke up. So it's over you need time to hurt alone or with platonic friends maybe even family. I think with you trying to build something you feel invested. Sometimes you have to take the L. Look back on it as an experience. But I don't think you'll go back to the way you were.

[Teacher Terry]

Since both your names are on the mortgage he can’t force you to move fast. I would get 3 realtors in to determine the asking price. Then decide if you want to pay that amount and if you can get a loan.

[Ned B]

Thanks for all the thoughts so far. Somehow a day later (and now being free of the lousy side effects from my weekend Covid Booster) I feel more distanced from everything that has transpired and more ready to move toward whatever is next. I'm going to get through this busy week, and start figuring things out over the weekend. Even if it's just doing the research and lining up potential appraisers, I would feel more comfortable having some components of the process in my control.

[Sonic_Spork]

There is a point where "I need time to process" crosses a line into "I want to bury myself under a blanket fort and pretend that none of this is happening" (denial.) Don't let yourself be on the wrong side of that line. I think that you are now getting real that there's nothing left to save in this relationship. I think that he has been trying to tell you that, perhaps too gently, for months. Months in which you could have been processing, but were instead denying, from what I hear. But now you're clear on where you stand...you feel rushed, but...sorry, I don't see you buying any more processing time, at this point.

Personally, I'd see the sense in at least letting him TRY to cash in on the lunacy of today's housing market with a crazy cash offer, but I think that you should really get an attorney and figure out how to proceed in a way that you don't get screwed. Make plans and agreements that take into account uncertainties, with time limits on "OK if your plan does not work after x period of time, then we go with plan b." Get it in writing that no offer below a set amount will be accepted and if he can't get this cash offer (that you question if it's possible) after some period of time, then you will go a different way with things.

Figure out how buying him out of it would even work, if it's even a thing that you CAN do with your resources. It's no good wanting it if you can't even do it.

In the meantime, depending on how much stuff you own that you want to keep, I suggest you consider getting a storage unit and starting to move your things into it in preparation for a possible move. I have found that having a storage unit (if you can get one that's affordable) is a great intermediary step in moving...it gives you more time to be organized, to stage things out of the way. As long as it's a month-to-month contract, you only have to pay for it as long as you need it.

And I agree, don't do any more free reno work on the place, unless/until you have all the brass tacks of the plan ironed out. At the least, consult a lawyer and keep detailed records of what you do. Documentation is your friend, especially as you're dealing with a situation where you were not married, so your legal rights might not be robust on disentangling your interests here...