Quote:
Originally Posted by anon899
I have always wanted to have a long-lasting relationship and stay with one person for the rest of my life. And maybe I'm delusional for wanting that and should change it. This is my first relationship and has been lasting for almost five years (I'm 26 btw) and I have no experience or insight as to when it's the time to end a relationship. I know a lot of people say that you should move on from a relationship when something like this happens, but I also have a feeling like a lot of people give up on relationships so quickly, without giving it a chance... Do you have any thoughts about that?
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Do I ever have thoughts about that.
First, human beings are not interchangeable units. You and your partner are specific individuals, and may or may not be a good match for long term happiness. This is your first ever relationship and you had hoped that it would be your last, your "Happily ever after" person... And I'm sorry to say that it's fairly rare for that to work out. And the idea that people are too hasty and frivolous to leave relationships is a toxic one that needs to die in a fire.
You know who is behind that? Crappy partners who don't have a clue or a care as to how to put in the effort to mutually build a HEALTHY partnership and who are pizzed off that others don't choose to stick with them anyways no matter how badly they behave.
Now if you are thinking that there was a "good ol' days" where morally superior people of the past had more meaningful marriages, I would wish to acquaint you with my Grandparents and Great-Grandparents and others of generations prior where yes, indeed, they did the "death do you part" bit but by the time they got there they hated each other's guts. Back then in those (not really) glory days you are thinking of, a man could be a wife beating alcoholic and the neighbors figured it wasn't their business though it sure was a shame, and she likely wouldn't leave because she likely COULDN'T.
But it's not like that now, even if leaving relationships isn't always easy and sometimes we put it off longer than we should. We ladies can have our own leases, mortgages, credit cards, bank accounts, careers, and so on. We can exist as empowered adults.
So here's the thing. You have one life to live, as far as any of us knows for sure. It's a gift, it is yours and yours alone. What is truly wasting your gift, is spending it in unnecessary suffering. There just has to be a point where you cut your losses and move on. If you want to give it more time to feel sure, then do that, but start thinking about plans and logistics, figure out in your mind what you are going to have to do, if you need to break up. Where you will live and all that. And set a date on it, that works for your financial logistics. Keep that in your mind, and if things don't get better by then, leave.
But even if they do...be on the watch for future red flags. Because seriously I don't think that his lack of support for your stressful situation is a good sign, nor his expectation that even if you feel like you're carrying the world on your shoulders alone without a helper, you should be hot for him on demand, and his giving you the cold shoulder when you've been wanting to try and talk things out... None of that sounds healthy to me and none of it sounds like a situation that is likely to get better.
In particular, the fact that he isn't willing to talk about this now, tells me he probably is not willing to make an honest effort, go to couples counseling or anything that might actually help with the other stuff. At some point, this cold-shoulder stonewalling behavior is a manipulation tactic, and you need to be real about that.
As for when to leave a relationship...aside from more obvious abuse... When the time you spend being unhappy about the relationship outweighs the time spent being happy about it, when compromise and communication break down, when you realize that the two of you have completely different views about life and what's important in it, or when a breach of trust will never be truly let to fade into the past...and after that, when you CAN.
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