Not sure what to do, partner despises me (how to, guys, love)

[anon899]

I am having a rough patch in my romantic relationship for some time now. Most of it was caused by the fact that my partner thinks we are not sexually active enough. I have tried to repair this issue, but in the end I always seem to fail him. On top of that, I am very stressed in my work life and have a lot of ongoing projects and he doesn't really give me much support as in helping around the house or in every day chores. Because of the persistence of these issues, some time ago I started to consider us possibly having some time off from the relationship. At the same time, I briefly started to like someone I just randomly met once, so it all came crashing down. I never did anything with this crush, was just casually texting for a week. I told my partner I need a break to figure things out and see what I really want and how I see us. During the two-week break I decided I want to work on our relationship, the crush faded away and we got back together. Unfortunately, he found out about it by reading my messages and got upset and has been ignoring me ever since. I apologized, tried to communicate, but no luck. He despises me.
What bothers me in all this is that a similar thing happened from his side a few years ago because he fell in love with a mutual friend and was cold to me for months. When I brought that up in one of our fights, he got angry, claiming that he was honest at least. I understand that part and maybe I should have not been secretive about the crush, but the thing is that I knew it's gonna pass and it wasn't that strong of an emotion that I wanted to end our relationship over it. I just needed a break to figure things out within myself, not because I was in love or anything...Anyways, I know this sounds confusing because I wrote a lot of stuff, but I'm hoping some of you might have some useful advice because I don't really know who to talk to and this is killing me.

[adamexe]

Whatever the truth is in all this, you need to understand that for your partner, it's going to be very difficult to believe that there was nothing serious there. Here you say that you knew it was gonna pass, that it wasn't anything strong enough that you'd want to end your relationship. Yet from his perspective, this crush very much coincided with you asking for a break.

You can see how that would be received... The problem with this is that trust is damaged now. To him, you've lied about this guy already, and now you're asking him to believe you on that same topic as you're trying to minimize the importance of it. Chances are, he's not going to be on board with much of what you say.

There's a chance that what's really bothering him, deep inside, is just the fact that you showed interest in someone else. Some kind of narcissistic trigger (not saying he's a narcissist. We all have those from time to time), where despite the fact that he once had feeling for someone else, in his mind, you would never. This episode might have hurt in that it cracked the pedestal he may have believed you had him on.

But another possibility (and the two may be true simultaneously) is that given that you called a break over this, he might be considering whether you came back because you wanted to be with him or just because your other crush ended up not panning out.

In that sense, while for you this might seem like almost nothing, to him, it may appear like some form of infidelity.

And infidelity is probably how you're going to have to approach this if you want it to be resolved. I think in this situation what you need to do is take full ownership of what happened and make it known that you understand what you did was wrong and show that you are willing to make amends. This may require some transparency on your part if the problem here is broken trust.

Unfortunately I don't have any more time to elaborate on this for now. But I'll just make a few quick points:
- There are things that weren't working great in this relationship before this episode on both ends, and I'd wager that these are still not resolved. These will need to be addressed.
- However, do not address them simultaneously with the problem of the crush, and at this point, I would say, do not tie discussion of it to the break itself. The reason for that it that it would likely come off as you trying to shift the blame for what you did.
- No apology is ever felt as a real apology if it comes off as "sorry, not sorry", or if it comes with excuses. The person you hurt wants to know that you understand how you hurt them, that you understand your behavior was your decision, and that you understand how you can avoid repeating the same behavior in the future. If you emphasize on circumstances, what you're essentially telling them is that you're not in control of your actions and that should similar circumstances come up again, you might very well act in the same way.

By the way, how long ago did this happen?

[E-Twist]

Your relationship wasn't a peaceful, relaxing, enjoyable one before your crush. I think you are most likely clinging to this relationship out of a fear of change, not because it's jolly good fun and a happy relationship.

In my opinion you need to break up and take some time to deal with your job projects and stress levels. When you are in a better place you can think about relationships.

[Sonic_Spork]

It sounds to me like you know, in the deeper part of your mind and heart that's willing to try and tell you inconvenient truths that are hard to hear, that this relationship kinda sucks.

He is not supportive of you during external stress causing school/job stuff and he doesn't take responsibility for household tasks, not even when you are clearly having a hard time keeping up with everything that life is putting on your plate. And on top of that, he expects you to happily handle all of these things without complaint and also be happy to keep him sexually satisfied no matter how you're feeling. Do you ever find that he lectures you on your sex life? Does he accuse you of using sex as a system of reward and punishment against him? If so, these things are all red flags as well.

The fact that you did that whole "call a break, interact with this other dude" thing...that is also your inner truth speaker trying to get a message through. It's not that you had big feels for the other person or thought it would go somewhere, but that impulse to check it out, maybe play with it a little in a "safe" way like texting, while telling yourself it'll run its course and you'll get it out of your system... That's you rehearsing and exploring alternatives that lead to a path out of this.

Because I think deep down (and not even THAT deep) you know this ain't working, and you don't want to be with him.

Also, some partners will try and turn this situation around on you so that you stay out of a need to prove yourself somehow. I'm seeing that in the whole "he despises me" talk, like now despite clearly knowing otherwise, you are upset that you're the bad one and trying to work out how to fix it. You did something he didn't like, and he's using it as leverage to put you down so that you'll work extra hard to be "good" and redeem yourself.

Leaving a relationship is not a personal failure. If you don't have kids together (I hope not, because that complicates things a lot) and if you can afford to strike out on your own... Really consider leaving. And not trying to form another relationship for at least one year after you do, focus on your school and work stuff and get on more solid footing. Think about what you really need and want in a relationship. Reassess things.

You should not need to find someone new first, to part ways with this man. Not even a temporary crowbar to pry yourself loose, in the form of a guy you're not that into, just to convince your prior partner that it's really and truly over, or to convince yourself. Try just ending it and striking out on your own. Because I have the sense that the situation where you're at is gonna get worse before it gets better.

[anon899]

Thanks for the reply.
It happened a few days ago that I admitted that I liked that guy. Ever since then he has been refusing to communicate, which is really hard since we live together. It's very difficult for me to approach him, and I have tried, but he seems to be needing this time off...I respect that, but at the same time I feel as tho we are not going to ever mend this if we don't communicate

[Bitey]

Let's do a quick review:

1. He's ignoring you.
   
2. He despises you.

A sane, mentally healthy person would recognize these as "context clues."

[adamexe]

Originally Posted by anon899

Thanks for the reply.
It happened a few days ago that I admitted that I liked that guy. Ever since then he has been refusing to communicate, which is really hard since we live together. It's very difficult for me to approach him, and I have tried, but he seems to be needing this time off...I respect that, but at the same time I feel as tho we are not going to ever mend this if we don't communicate

Ok... well if your answer had been that this had been going on for weeks or months, I'd say you'd need to start thinking about something a bit more drastic to tackle this. Make him understand that either you both try to address this or the relationship is over, not necessarily as a threat to him, but as a literal observation of fact.

But if it's just been a few days... I don't think describing him as "despising" you is totally warranted at this point. I think a more accurate way of describing this is that he's hurt and angry. Whether one thinks it's legitimate for him to be hurt and angry, or to ignore you as you say he's doing, is a different story.

Give it some time. If it's becoming too tense and unlivable, you can always propose to leave the apartment for some time, a few days. Usually I think avoiding tough discussions isn't advisable, but sometimes when the emotions are too high it's definitely more productive to let the dust settle a bit instead of forcing the talk.

[PJSaturn]

Originally Posted by adamexe

Ok... well if your answer had been that this had been going on for weeks or months, I'd say you'd need to start thinking about something a bit more drastic to tackle this. Make him understand that either you both try to address this or the relationship is over, not necessarily as a threat to him, but as a literal observation of fact.

But if it's just been a few days... I don't think describing him as "despising" you is totally warranted at this point. I think a more accurate way of describing this is that he's hurt and angry. Whether one thinks it's legitimate for him to be hurt and angry, or to ignore you as you say he's doing, is a different story.

Give it some time. If it's becoming too tense and unlivable, you can always propose to leave the apartment for some time, a few days. Usually I think avoiding tough discussions isn't advisable, but sometimes when the emotions are too high it's definitely more productive to let the dust settle a bit instead of forcing the talk.

I agree, especially with the bolded. "Despise" is such a dramatic word, and I doubt your partner despises you. I equate "despise" with "hate," and find it hard to believe that your partner would live with you if he hated you. Adamexe's advice is good. It's only been a couple of days; give it more time. Wait till you've both had a bit more of a cool-down period, and only then sit down and discuss your situation rationally. You may or may not decide to go your separate ways, but it's important to be on the same page and to not make poor decisions resulting from knee-jerk reactions and drama.

.

[K12144]

If he "despises" you, then it sounds like it's over. In which case, I don't know why you're "not sure what to do." Seems it's pretty obvious... time to move on, unfortunately. What confuses me most is why he hasn't yet done just that, if he can't stand you.

[Ruth4Truth]

Give up. You can't win. He believes it's ok for him to have an affair, and that he deserves to be forgiven, because ...why? Because he was "honest", whatever that means? But you don't, because....why?? One week of texting, nothing more, and he compares that to his affair unfavorably? Like he's so morally superior?

You can see how his deck is stacked against you, can't you? You'll never win this. Just accept it, grieve it if you need to, and move on. It's in your best self-interest and mental health to realize the relationship didn't stand a chance anyway, if the deck is always stacked in his favor, no matter what he does.

Sorry, OP. But there are better guys out there.