I (24F) can't tell if my boyfriend (24M) is making my social life better or worse (dating, movies)
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My boyfriend and I are both PhD students. I started dating him in September, and at the beginning he was super social. Like we went on a triple date with his friends, then we went bowling with another one of his friends, etc. But now things are just sooo boring and he's super picky about who he wants to hang out with. Like we met some people and I suggested asking them to hang out and he said mehhh no thanks. We're also jewish and in our area people host shabbat dinners sometimes but he doesn't usually want to go and he certainly never suggests we go. I've just become tired of asking him to do things. He never suggests anything anymore. A lot of students at our school go to a particular bar on Tuesday, and we said we were going to try to go. I mentioned it in the days leading up and in the morning on Tuesday, and he seemed interested but then never messaged me. I get that some days he stays really late at work, but that's because he chooses to go in super late. Like IDK I was just annoyed that he couldn't commit to going to the bar and try to leave early so we could go and do something fun.
I really do love spending time with just him, but it's good for us to make other friends too. Like there's another shabbat dinner going on tonight and I was almost going to ask him if he wanted to go, but I know he's going to say no so literally what's the point. I feel like all he wants to do is stay in and cook dinner and watch movies/play video games. And I really like that too, but I never even suggest going to bars to him because I know he won't want to go.
I like so many things about him and I think we're a good match but I just wish he made more of an effort to have a social life
It sounds like he's a homebody, maybe an introvert, and you're not. Is he okay with you going to places without him? Would he be more amenable to going out if you both (or just him) could leave early? If you're looking at how he is as boring and unfun, and are put off by how he wants to spend his time, then you might not be a good match.
It sounds like he's a homebody, maybe an introvert, and you're not. Is he okay with you going to places without him? Would he be more amenable to going out if you both (or just him) could leave early? If you're looking at how he is as boring and unfun, and are put off by how he wants to spend his time, then you might not be a good match.
I guess what hurts my feelings is that he talks about how much fun he had drinking in college and how much he loved being in a fraternity and all that, but then he never wants to do something. And when he's around his friends he's so chatty and social. So I just don't really get it. Like he doesn't act like someone who's an introvert.
What does he say when you bring these issues up with him? For the record, introverts can be chatty and social, it just means that they find socializing tiring and need to be alone and quiet to recharge.
What does he say when you bring these issues up with him? For the record, introverts can be chatty and social, it just means that they find socializing tiring and need to be alone and quiet to recharge.
I'm an introvert too, like majorly! I can only socialize for certain amounts of time and then I need a break. I haven't brought up these issues, because IDK I feel awkward about it. And I know he'll say things like "I don't have a problem with you going to these things." But I want him to go with me.
My boyfriend and I are both PhD students. I started dating him in September, and at the beginning he was super social. Like we went on a triple date with his friends, then we went bowling with another one of his friends, etc. But now things are just sooo boring and he's super picky about who he wants to hang out with. Like we met some people and I suggested asking them to hang out and he said mehhh no thanks. We're also jewish and in our area people host shabbat dinners sometimes but he doesn't usually want to go and he certainly never suggests we go. I've just become tired of asking him to do things. He never suggests anything anymore. A lot of students at our school go to a particular bar on Tuesday, and we said we were going to try to go. I mentioned it in the days leading up and in the morning on Tuesday, and he seemed interested but then never messaged me. I get that some days he stays really late at work, but that's because he chooses to go in super late. Like IDK I was just annoyed that he couldn't commit to going to the bar and try to leave early so we could go and do something fun.
I really do love spending time with just him, but it's good for us to make other friends too. Like there's another shabbat dinner going on tonight and I was almost going to ask him if he wanted to go, but I know he's going to say no so literally what's the point. I feel like all he wants to do is stay in and cook dinner and watch movies/play video games. And I really like that too, but I never even suggest going to bars to him because I know he won't want to go.
I like so many things about him and I think we're a good match but I just wish he made more of an effort to have a social life
I think this is one of those situations where you're going to have to realize you can't change another person.
If it were me, I'd tell him "I'm going to the Shabat dinner tonight." And you go. When people are getting together and going to the bar, you tell him "I'm going to the bar, why don't you come with me?" And if he says 'no', you go anyway.
The way I see it (and I could be wrong), do what you want to do. He MIGHT change his mind some day and become more social again...but I would suggest that you not expect that, but realize "hey, you're allowed to have fun, and if he doesn't want to go, that's ok. Go by yourself."
I haven't brought up these issues, because IDK I feel awkward about it.
Well, there's your answer. He's not a mind reader, and has no idea that it's important to you that he go to a Shabbat dinner or a bar every so often or that it would mean a lot if he planned an outing. If you're in a relationship, you have to be able to talk about these things.
I, too, was in a fraternity in college. Partied Monday through Monday and had an absolute blast. I continued having fun for a few years after college but some time in my late 20s/early 30s, I no longer really desired going out all that much. Sort of like been there, done that. Maybe he's in that stage already since he was in a fraternity.
One thing I've noticed is that people who had kids very young are the ones who still want to go out a lot and have fun in their 30s/40s. Those of us who waited and had our fun in our younger years are more content to chillax at home on weekends.
Where do you live? What I am wondering about is whether this might be seasonal affective disorder, given this seems to be a personality change that is manifesting itself when days have gotten really short. Low level depression sometimes manifests itself in just not really wanting to do anything different.
I have a cousin living in Juneau, who when they moved up there had problems in the wintertime with really short days. He tried anti-depressants, but found light therapy worked the best. Exercise and diets high in foods high in Omega threes also seem to be helpful for depression.
Is it possible he just doesn't want to go out drinking and eating with a bunch of people he doesn't know well during a pandemic?
Quote:
Originally Posted by whereisthelove96
I guess what hurts my feelings is that he talks about how much fun he had drinking in college and how much he loved being in a fraternity and all that, but then he never wants to do something. And when he's around his friends he's so chatty and social. So I just don't really get it. Like he doesn't act like someone who's an introvert.
People who are introverts don't necessarily avoid all people. If he is comfortable with his friends, it may not be a chore for him to be with them the way it would to be with strangers.
And if he enjoyed drinking in a frat, maybe drinking was the reason he could socialize. Or, as someone else mentioned, maybe all of that partying just burned him out on social situations.
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