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I'm not sure she's taking his concerns seriously which is also an issue. If she wants to assure him her beliefs will not be a problem in the future she isn't doing a very good job. There's nothing more aggravating than being brushed off when you have a real concern.
But why are you putting the brunt of the problem on her, when the OP has said in this thread that his issue is that she identifies with X politics, and he read on the internet that some people with X politics have very extreme beliefs? But he himself identifies with extreme beliefs on the other end of the spectrum. The assurance that politics won't be a problem may very well need to come from his end, if they actually want to make a go of it.
But why are you putting the brunt of the problem on her, when the OP has said in this thread that his issue is that she identifies with X politics, and he read on the internet that some people with X politics have very extreme beliefs? But he himself identifies with extreme beliefs on the other end of the spectrum. The assurance that politics won't be a problem may very well need to come from his end, if they actually want to make a go of it.
Mod cut. I never said she believed the things in the poll. My point was that we are in a climate where some people (probably less a percentage than the poll suggested, but still a significant percentage) have developed (IMO) extreme, intolerant, and intolerable beliefs (on both sides of the aisle, to the appease the whataboutists) and therefore ensuring there is some degree of common ground is more important than it used to be (that or putting one's head in the sand and pretending that we are not in tumultuous times).
Last edited by PJSaturn; 01-25-2022 at 06:26 PM..
Reason: Rude.
First of all, you shouldn't need to convince her that it won't work to end it. If you're convinced, that should be enough. You've tried to explained to her why you feel the way you feel, and she doesn't agree with you. That doesn't mean you can't end it.
But on another note, I'm not sure why it's so necessary for you that she agrees with you politically. So long at it's not something you guys constantly get caught into to the point where you can't talk of anything else and just get angry at each other, this can actually be a perfectly good way of exploring other ideas. To me at least, the only time this was a problem was because the girl was constantly ramming her opinions in my face sanctimoniously. But if you two are able to discuss these things respectfully and still have a good time exchanging ideas, what's the problem?
I find it really odd to see someone say "I know I won't change my mind". That's an extraordinarily candid admission of close-mindedness. You don't always have to change your mind, but huh... you should always be open to hearing the other side and being convinced. I know this might be a shocker, but you don't know everything, haven't heard every argument, and can be wrong.
But again, if you think your political disagreement is a deal breaker, by all means, walk away. There's no reason why the fact she disagrees with your assessment should prevent you from ending that relationship.
Re: tamajane's comment, so far we've had many good, multi-hour conversations - about music/movies/art, about travel experiences and places we've been and would like to go, about our families, about life in our area, about food and drink, about what we do for work, about our past experiences, about many things other than politics (in the broadest sense of the world, i.e. what is currently happening in the world, local/national/international). I've enjoyed my time with her and do like her, though I don't yet love her. We do have a lot in common in spite of the massive differences I highlighted.
I am a considerably eccentric/eclectic person and this is a running dillema in my life, where I identify strongly (both platonically and romantically) with a wide variety of 'types', and strongly with no one/not with them at the same time. I'm not playing the violin I am just trying to establish how I ended up with this person in the first place (and another ex who was very similar to her in virtually all regards but who I broke it off with for different reasons).
But yes, she has essentially brushed it off and said 'that's not important to me' to each point I made, which is frustrating because the way I look at the world present past and future is obviously a big part of who I am / how I see myself. I am a person who engages much more with the outside world than thinks about myself and my own feelings/things in my immediate sphere (I'm not saying she does that, but when everything else is deemed unimportant/immaterial, that is what we are left with). What makes it worse is that I am engaged in in-depth independent research that she doesn't really know about, and it's far from ideal to have what is really my primary interest in life be dismissed by my partner as completely unimportant, and utterly wrong.
But I might even be willing to concede that, since I've already conceded it with 90% of my family and the vast majority of people I know. My main concern is that our views are going to collide with respect to what we do with our bodies and with our children's bodies. That is a supremely big deal to me. It's non-negotiable, and I know (maybe not absolutely, but as much as I can know anything) that "I won't change my mind on it" because I've had these convictions all my life and they've only gotten stronger over time.
Re: pathrunner, no, I don't need her permission to end it and can and will do so unilaterally if and when I feel I need to. What I am trying to figure out is whether the needle can genuinely be threaded and a sustainable relationship be carried on, without her responding to my 'moves' and telling me what I want to hear, only for it to end in disaster later when she grows tired of humoring me and my beliefs, particularly when she holds some more cards against me and it concerns children who will be more important to her than I am. That's not a topic we discuss in detail much or really at all (more in the abstract/what people are doing with their children and not about us personally), but since it's part of what I envision for the future I have to deeply consider it.
Last edited by Naynay100; 01-25-2022 at 02:43 PM..
Can you please actually read my posts and stop wasting everyone's time by mischaracterizing what I'm saying? I never said she believed the things in the poll. My point was that we are in a climate where some people (probably less a percentage than the poll suggested, but still a significant percentage) have developed (IMO) extreme, intolerant, and intolerable beliefs (on both sides of the aisle, to the appease the whataboutists) and therefore having some degree of common ground is more important than it used to be (that or putting one's head in the sand and pretending that we are not in tumultuous times).
OP, what's holding up your decision? Is it the fact, that you two have similar tastes in a number of things, and some common interests, and you enjoy her company? So you're trying to weigh your other concerns against that?
If you think, that for a lasting, stable LTR you need someone whose views are closer to your own, that's fair enough. Is the hang-up the fact, as a couple of posters mentioned, that you don't feel "heard", when you bring this up for discussion with her? She waves your concern aside as not important?
Well, it's obviously important to you, so if she refuses to discuss it, or doesn't understand the need to discuss it, you'll just have to break up with her whether you have her acknowledgement of the issue or not, and move on. That's pretty much where things stand at this point, it looks like.
It depends on the extremes of view. My ex verged far to the side (long after we broke up), and lost most of his friends and such even though they were all the same party.
I would say you two probably won't work out, and both should move on.
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Re: tamajane's comment, so far we've had many good conversations - about music/movies/art, about travel experiences and places we've been and would like to go, about our families, about life in our area, about food and drink, about what we do for work, about our past experiences, about many things other than politics (in the broadest sense of the world, i.e. what is currently happening in the world, local/national/international). I've enjoyed my time with her and do like her. We do have a lot in common in spite of the massive differences I highlighted.
I am a considerably eccentric/eclectic person and this is a running dillema in my life, where I identify strongly (both platonically and romantically) with a wide variety of 'types', and strongly with no one/not with them at the same time. I'm not playing the violin I am just trying to establish how I ended up with this person in the first place (and another ex who was very similar to her in virtually all regards but who I broke it off with for different reasons).
But yes, she has essentially brushed it off and said 'that's not important to me' to each point I made, which is frustrating because the way I look at the outside world is obviously a big part of who I am / how I see myself. I am a person who engages much more with the outside world than thinks about myself and my own feelings/things in my immediate sphere (I'm not saying she does that, but when everything else is deemed unimportant/immaterial, that is what we are left with). What makes it worse is that I am engaged in in-depth independent research that she doesn't really know about, and it's far from ideal to have what is really my primary interest in life be dismissed by my partner as completely unimportant, and utterly wrong.
But I might even be willing to concede that, since I've already conceded it with 90% of my family and the vast majority of people I know. My main concern is that our views are going to collide with respect to what we do with our bodies and with our children's bodies. That is a supremely big deal to me. It's non-negotiable, and I know (maybe not absolutely, but as much as I can know anything) that "I won't change my mind on it" because I've had these convictions all my life and they've only gotten stronger over time.
Re: pathrunner, no, I don't need her permission to end it and can and will do so unilaterally if and when I feel I need to. What I am trying to figure out is whether the needle can genuinely be threaded and a sustainable relationship be carried on, without her responding to my 'moves' and telling me what I want to hear, only for it to end in disaster later when she grows tired of humoring me and my beliefs, particularly when she holds some more cards against me and it concerns children who will be more important to her than I am. That's not a topic we discuss in detail much or really at all (more in the abstract/what people are doing with their children and not about us personally), but since it's part of what I envision for the future I have to deeply consider it.
IMO, No, probably not. And I say that because politics are important to YOU. And it's important enough to YOU, that the whole concept concerns you. That's not to blame you in any way, but YOU PERCIEVE it as a possible wedge in your relationship.
I can tell you this...my husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. In those 20 years, I've moved more to the left, and he's moved more to the right. There ARE areas we agree on, and there are areas we've never agreed on. 'Oh well, so what, who cares?' We don't. But you know what? We're not activists, and we don't see each other as opponents. He's allowed his POV, and I'm allowed mine. Some things are worth discussing, some things are not. lol
But I might even be willing to concede that, since I've already conceded it with 90% of my family and the vast majority of people I know. My main concern is that our views are going to collide with respect to what we do with our bodies and with our children's bodies. That is a supremely big deal to me. It's non-negotiable, and I know (maybe not absolutely, but as much as I can know anything) that "I won't change my mind on it" because I've had these convictions all my life and they've only gotten stronger over time.
Re: pathrunner, no, I don't need her permission to end it and can and will do so unilaterally if and when I feel I need to. What I am trying to figure out is whether the needle can genuinely be threaded and a sustainable relationship be carried on, without her responding to my 'moves' and telling me what I want to hear, only for it to end in disaster later when she grows tired of humoring me and my beliefs, particularly when she holds some more cards against me and it concerns children who will be more important to her than I am. That's not a topic we discuss in detail much or really at all (more in the abstract/what people are doing with their children and not about us personally), but since it's part of what I envision for the future I have to deeply consider it.
OK, so we're back to asking her values-based questions, the kind I suggested earlier, about what kind of decisions would she want to make regarding various issues relating to hypothetical future kids. That's definitely doable. How she answers (and whether she hesitates or gives you at least a few spontaneous responses) will tell you a lot.
OP, you've spent a lot of time dithering here, when you could have already sat her down and had a good, thorough conversation about this stuff. What are you waiting for?
You've only been dating a couple months.... cut bait.
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OK, so we're back to asking her values-based questions, the kind I suggested earlier, about what kind of decisions would she want to make regarding various issues relating to hypothetical future kids. That's definitely doable. How she answers (and whether she hesitates or gives you at least a few spontaneous responses) will tell you a lot.
OP, you've spent a lot of time dithering here, when you could have already sat her down and had a good, thorough conversation about this stuff. What are you waiting for?
OP can bring it up when they are talking about other people and things- "yeah I would do it the way Mike and Sarah do if I had kids, because xyz and it makes a lot of sense to me...." wait for a *real* response. If there is none, ask point blank.
Two months isn't long but if he's thinking further ahead, it's about time to get real, in a non-threatening way about values, important personal life topics and beliefs. If I was deprived of that I would quit.
The other night I just told her straight out that I think our values/worldviews are too different and that I felt that sooner or later, and I fear later/too late, we're going to arrive at a relationship-ending conflict. I gave some examples (some of them related to covid/vaccines, but several other issues also) and she sort of cast it as a non-issue. She said differences make relationships interesting and that compromise is part of a relationship. I said yes I agree but some issues are non-negotiable for me and it's better to be with a person who agrees so we're not always at odds. We talked for very long time and at some point I just took her home and said we'll talk more in the next day or two. Didn't end on a very comfortable note.
Compromise is about things, actions, or plans. It doesn't apply to values, especially values that work at opposite ends.
Here's something behavioral you might consider: You have concerns that are important enough to you to bring up, and she invalidated them by casting them as a non-issue. Is she going to do that whenever you bring up something that is important to you?
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