New Research on When a Friendship Turns Into a Romance Psychology Today (dating, marriages)
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Becoming friends with someone before dating him was my preferred and most successful way of dating.
Occasionally I'd go out with someone if we were introduced by friends. Rarely did these introductions lead to any more than 2 or 3 dates. Usually due to me. The presumption of the introduction by friends was that we'd be a good couple. But I don't do instant attraction, I need to know the person, their character, how they treat people, how they relate to me. So while I was willing to give a friend of friends a chance immediate romantic expectations weren't something I was comfortable with or interested in.
As this is an ongoing debate on this forum, thought it might be interesting.
From the report:
Many people prefer the friends-first path to romantic love.
Posted February 3, 2022
Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
KEY POINTS
There are two main types of intimacy: friendship-based and passion-based (i.e. romantic). Sometimes one turns into the other.
Research has largely ignored friends-first romance initiation, focusing instead on the romance that develops between strangers.
A recent investigation finds friends-first initiation of romantic relationships is not only common but also frequently preferred.
The study, in press in Social Psychological and Personality Science, is detailed below.
I think a study primarily based on university students can’t really be extrapolated to the world at large. Being in school, constantly surrounded by your peers, with few responsibilities other than your studies, is a prime dating ground.
What about those that didn’t go to post-secondary, and what about anyone past the age of 22? IMO it’s hard to become friends first when the opportunities to make friends lessen. Adult life and responsibilities simply don’t afford you the same amount of time to meet an abundance of people platonically and establish friendships that maybe could or could not turn into dating relationships.
I think a study primarily based on university students can’t really be extrapolated to the world at large. Being in school, constantly surrounded by your peers, with few responsibilities other than your studies, is a prime dating ground.
Also, that study had a relatively small sample size, less than 300 people. I'd consider it preliminary research. I am not arguing the findings, merely saying they cannot be applied to the population at large, especially those of earlier generations and people not in that setting.
Regardless, while research like this is interesting, love and romance are very individual experiences. The only N that matters to me is the N of 1 that is myself. In my experience, starting as friends made for easier break-ups in that we respected the friendship we had before and chose not to be rancorous, as with my ex-husband. But that does not mean the relationships themselves were any better or stronger than those that started out with a bang.
This is just me. Everybody is different, and every couple and relationship are different. There is no right or wrong. There is only the reality of individual experience. The problems start when people judge others for being different from themselves.
Katnan has a good point about college years vs later years. Dating in the work place is frowned upon - with good reason. Although how much of a problem that can be totally depends on the type of job and how easy it can be to get another one somewhere else.
I think being friends first probably works better for shy people - people that won't act on physical attraction because they need to feel more emotionally comfortable. Just a guess. I didn't read the article to see what it had to say.
I found the review interesting because it confirmed my own bias. But also it looked at the subject of relationship developed from a fairly new direction.
Also the first study group consisted of about 1900 people from the years 2002 - 2020 and wasn't limited to people under 22.
"When you imagine people falling in love, how do you see it happening?
Specifically, do you imagine two strangers falling in love after going out on a few dates? Or two friends gradually developing romantic feelings for each other? More generally, do you think the majority of people who become romantically involved started dating as strangers or after forming a friendship first?
Previous research on dating initiation
The authors searched online databases for studies on relationship initiation. They used terms like “friendship,” “friends with benefits,” “first date,” “relationship beginning,” and “attraction.” The search was limited to 11 highly influential journals—for instance, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Archives of Sexual Behavior, Sex Roles, and Personal Relationships.
Analysis of data showed only 15 out of 85 or 18% of papers reviewed had focused on friends-first initiation. Simply put, the majority of studies emphasized romantic relationships formed between strangers."
Last edited by RubyandPearl; 02-05-2022 at 03:06 PM..
Of the successful marriages I know of, most did start off as friends. But these are also pretty sheltered people who just naturally have a small dating pool to choose from. People are more likely to become attracted to people they are more familiar with. Ie the fellow intern you see every day and are "forced" to interact with daily for months on end vs. the person you run into sporadically on the bus or at your favorite coffee shop but never have the nerve to approach.
The coffee shop person might actually have been a better match for you than the fellow intern but circumstances just never gave it a fighting chance.
Of course the person you are forced to interact with daily is more likely to naturally become a more likely dating prospect, just due to proximity.
I suspect among leas sheltered types and more socially "promiscuous" types (not necessarily sexually promiscuous) whether you are friends first or not is less important than overall general attraction and compatibility.
Last edited by moongirl00; 02-05-2022 at 03:10 PM..
I think a study primarily based on university students can’t really be extrapolated to the world at large. Being in school, constantly surrounded by your peers, with few responsibilities other than your studies, is a prime dating ground.
What about those that didn’t go to post-secondary, and what about anyone past the age of 22? IMO it’s hard to become friends first when the opportunities to make friends lessen. Adult life and responsibilities simply don’t afford you the same amount of time to meet an abundance of people platonically and establish friendships that maybe could or could not turn into dating relationships.
Exactly. And a lot of studies use these convenient, available, accessible populations and try to claim or imply that the data extrapolate into the general population. Uh huh. As you say, if 22 is a typical upper age range, mostly no big real life responsibilities, most of the people around are within a few years, age-wise.
Not everyone. I went to undergrad school later in life, and my MSW class was almost all 30-50-ish years old.
I was in a running club for many years, a local Roadrunners Club. I did date one gal there. There was a wide age range there, 20s into the 70s.
The group would go out for a five mile fun run and gather later at a local restaurant, Andy's I think, to eat and chat and tell war stories, for a long sociable breakfast.
Using groups like that would probably be a more accurate barometer. But one thing that threw me was they asked people what they thought would lead to this or that. It seems that asking those who had successfully partnered would be a better way to go. And trying to unlock the mysteries of attraction and committed relationships is quite the mystery to solve. Every story is different.
Last edited by Dwatted Wabbit; 02-07-2022 at 05:17 PM..
Why ruin a valuable bond for the sake of short term romantic feelings that will fade away and leave two good friends wondering what happened, who they are, where they belong and where to next? Never in a month of Sundays would I do that. Life is complicated enough already.
Why ruin a valuable bond for the sake of short term romantic feelings that will fade away and leave two good friends wondering what happened, who they are, where they belong and where to next? Never in a month of Sundays would I do that. Life is complicated enough already.
Who says the romantic feelings that may develop between friends will definitely be "short term" and/or "fade away"?
Who says the romantic feelings that may develop between friends will definitely be "short term" and/or "fade away"?
I’d make sure of it. Nothing is worth ruining a good friendship for.
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But also it looked at the subject of relationship developed from a fairly new direction.
