No relationship history vs multiple breakups and/or divorces (dates, lesbian, how to)

[SerlingHitchcockJPeele]

Originally Posted by scribbles76

Why does the former attract more concern or, dare I say it, red flags while the latter is considered a normal part of life? Shouldn’t the collateral damage from a history of relationship breakdowns and/or failed marriages raise more eyebrows than no romantic connections at all?

Several people have asked me of late if I’m married and just will not leave it, or me, alone. Would ‘I was, but...’ and then a long sob story of fights, infidelity and separation bother them less than a simple and truthful ‘no’? I have as many war stories as anybody, but none of them are about love lost or won.

I could give you the standard answer, “It doesn’t matter what other people think as long as you are happy.”, but I’d like to be a little more specific if I can so can you give more context to what’s happening here?

Who are these “several people” who have been concerned about your relationship status and won’t “leave you alone?” Are they your relatives, who might not fully understand you but are concerned for your well-being? Are they your parents, who might want you to settle down and have children? Are they co-workers who are just nosy? Are they women who might want to date you, and don’t understand why you’re not open to dating or relationships?

If the 76 in your username is a birth year and you are in your mid-40s, it could be any of these ^^

[Bootsamillion]

Originally Posted by scribbles76

Why does the former attract more concern or, dare I say it, red flags while the latter is considered a normal part of life? Shouldn’t the collateral damage from a history of relationship breakdowns and/or failed marriages raise more eyebrows than no romantic connections at all?

Several people have asked me of late if I’m married and just will not leave it, or me, alone. Would ‘I was, but...’ and then a long sob story of fights, infidelity and separation bother them less than a simple and truthful ‘no’? I have as many war stories as anybody, but none of them are about love lost or won.

You don't owe anyone any type of explanation as to the reasons you are still single. That is rude and personal information. I would say something polite and change the subject. And yes, to me, having had no relationship is better than 3 ex-wives.

[zentropa]

Originally Posted by scribbles76

Why does the former attract more concern or, dare I say it, red flags while the latter is considered a normal part of life?

Your premise is flawed. Multiple relationships and divorces is most certainly a red flag, and I daresay an even bigger one than having no relationships at all.

Unless of course, that person has a lifetime record of actively avoiding social intimacy at all costs. I would consider that more of a psychological/neurological red flag, not a relationship one.

And why is this person even talking to me?

[TashaPosh]

Originally Posted by scribbles76

No relationship history vs multiple breakups and/or divorces

Originally Posted by scribbles76

Why does the former attract more concern or, dare I say it, red flags while the latter is considered a normal part of life? Shouldn’t the collateral damage from a history of relationship breakdowns and/or failed marriages raise more eyebrows than no romantic connections at all?

Because no relationship history suggests that you can’t have a relationship…or aren’t interested in one. So that’s why it would have been a red flag to me. But tbh, I don’t remember ever meeting a man like that when I was dating because they probably aren’t trying to date or be in a relationship in the 1st place. Or I red flagged it right away.

Breakups are a part of learning & growth. If the person initiated the breakup, it can also show they have boundaries AND they understand that not everybody we have ever dated is a good match long term. It’s thinking about compatibility or communication & not just the excitement or chemistry. BUT multiple divorces can be a red flag too IMO. If somebody is divorced 2 or 3 times, I would be because it can start to show continuous poor judgement, like they didn’t learn from their mistakes.

edit: IMO it doesn’t make sense to not have any relationship experience tho, unless you are 17. It’s like you are saying that it shouldn’t cause concern or be a red flag tho. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ We all have our own red flags or dealbreakers ofc.

[Dave_n_Tenn]

"Better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all"
~Alfred, Lord Tennyson ~

Permission to do a sports analogy. If you never get in the batters box you have no chance to get a hit... none, zero, zilch. To play the game one must commit to the rules of the game, the game will never change for you.

[TashaPosh]

Originally Posted by Dave_n_Tenn

To play the game one must commit to the rules of the game, the game will never change for you.

The rules…AND red flags or dealbreakers….are different for everybody tho. That’s the thing….I’m at how little some ppl are willing to settle for just to “play a game”.

[Sonic_Spork]

If I am understanding correctly, you remain committed to your desire to not engage in romantic relationships....and also, correct me if I am wrong, but you're not necessarily a total introvert and do in fact have a social life, you just don't want to engage in romantic relationships, yes?.... But you are feeling harassed and judged about it. And in your frustration, you wonder why adults of your age who have trailed divorces and broken families and drama in their wake are seen as less odd than you are?

If I'm understanding the situation correctly, it's just a basic thing of what is common. That's all. And really, whether people are really judging you or are simply curious about your unusual life and unusual choices, will depend on who you're talking to. I think that you feel a little sensitive and defensive on the subject and it's possible you might assume that judgment is happening...sometimes it probably is, but maybe not every time.

Think of it this way...

If someone had spent their life adventuring in the jungle, or living on a space station, or living off the grid, or doing anything that is uncommon, then people will be curious and they'll probably hear A MILLION TIMES, "I could never do that" from others. Bet they get tired of it. But the fact is, people will be curious. Does that mean that what they've done is wrong? No. And you know that you have every right to live your life as you wish.

But just like trans people get sick and disgusted with being asked about the state of their private parts, if your lifestyle is personal and you're tired of people asking questions, you should probably find a way to tell the curious primates around you that it's none of their monkey business. Eh?

I mean, my position is that a person is functional or they are not. I judge those who harm others. I judge (to some degree, and often with pity) those who live in misery when that seems like a waste of a life. I have not had the impression that you are harming anyone or wallowing in misery. You are living your life, on your terms. There's nothing to judge.

There will always be those who will insist that anyone who is living in a vastly different way than they (and most others) do is somehow lying about being happy with it, or fooling themselves, or mentally delusional, or some such baloney. Like they get shaky inside if another person says, "I did something completely different and it worked for me." I have never, ever understood this mindset to enforce conformity, as though there should be any one right way to do anything. It seems like a very primitive "social creature" impulse, to me. And one that we are going to have to fight our way free of as a species unless we WANT to continue being destructive to each other. Fear of the "other" is behind some of the worst behavior that human beings aim at one another. I wish we could stop that.

[Dave_n_Tenn]

Originally Posted by TashaPosh

The rules…AND red flags or dealbreakers….are different for everybody tho. That’s the thing….I’m at how little some ppl are willing to settle for just to “play a game”.

There's all different skill levels. Some have natural talent, some have discipline, some work hard, but ultimately you train, you practice, you play, and then you win. To be really good at anything you need coaching to help find your greatness to 'emerge'.

It's an analogy.

[TashaPosh]

Originally Posted by Dave_n_Tenn

To be really good at anything you need coaching to help find your greatness to 'emerge'.

Or experience to help you grow & better understand relationships, communication & your own boundaries. What I thought I wanted as a girl of 18 or even 23 is a lot different than at 27 or 30. Part of that is growth through dating experience & having been through a bad marriage.

So that’s why somebody with no relationship experience , like the O.P. is talking about, would have been a red flag for me.^^ Multiple divorces too tho. Tbh, no relationship experience would have been more than a red flag…it would be a dealbreaker.



edit:

Originally Posted by scribbles76

No relationship history vs multiple breakups and/or divorces

Originally Posted by Dave_n_Tenn

It's an analogy.

I know…I’m sorry. IMO it wasn’t a good one.

[Seija]

Originally Posted by scribbles76

Why does the former attract more concern or, dare I say it, red flags while the latter is considered a normal part of life? Shouldn’t the collateral damage from a history of relationship breakdowns and/or failed marriages raise more eyebrows than no romantic connections at all?

Several people have asked me of late if I’m married and just will not leave it, or me, alone. Would ‘I was, but...’ and then a long sob story of fights, infidelity and separation bother them less than a simple and truthful ‘no’? I have as many war stories as anybody, but none of them are about love lost or won.

You're making assumptions without any evidence when comparing the two. You are also assuming that it bothers others that you are not married.

Just tell people "no, I am not married." If they continue to try to pry, just say, "I am not discussing my private life with you." It's not that difficult.