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Its going to be way worse if you wait until after Valentines Day (do people even give a crap about V Day anyway?), because either you'll have to fake being nice and sweet and buying her something, or you'll be distant, or even gone, and she'll probably freak.
Do it like NOW. Theres no way its going to work out good for you so rip off that bandaid.
Are you afraid she could become violent or do self-harm?
If it were me, the sooner you tell her, the better. And...probably the kindest (but most careful) way would be to call her and tell her.
Also...if you think she might get all dramatic...can you stay at someone else's place for a few days? Maybe it'd be a good idea to not be home for a bit.
I'm an accountant, which is great because I work virtually. So I was planning on breaking up with her, getting the locks changed on saturday, then heading out of town for a week and working from the road a bit.
Also, these problems didn't manifest themselves until a few months in. Then, two weeks ago she went into psych evaluation and was really mad when I said I would not take her into my care out of psych eval at the local hospital, and that if she couldn't stay on her own she should stay in the hospital.
I think that's when it really hit home for me. I used to feel guilty because she said I was her savior and she was writing a book about how I saved her etc ... all b.s. I know, but I didn't have the heart to tell her and I was basically playing defense - setting hard boundaries, etc. I am a bit afraid she gets obsessive.
No, you don't. That is so wrong.
Work on your self-esteem and self-respect. THAT is why you attract losers such as her - your self-esteem and self-respect are lounging in the sewer.
Does she have any possessions at your house? If so, you might want to give them to her when you break up so she has no reason to be going to your place. Good luck.
Maybe she'll tell that detail to her friends when she'll be angry and feel like venting about you. "The ******* left me right before Valentine's day!"
But really, it doesn't change anything. If you look hard enough, you'll always find a reason why right now is not the right time.
Now, there is no way that you can spare her the pain of the break up itself. She wants to be with you, you no longer want to be with her, that's gonna sting no matter how you put it.
All you can do is be humane about it. Be honest, don't put her down, try to be ready to mention positive stuff from her and the relationship, and frame things in a way that highlights the idea it's about the relationship and your mutual dynamic not being what you want in your life, instead of making it about her flaws. After all, that's the truth: you're the one making the decision, thus the decision is about you and what you want, not about her.
I would also say that, within reason, you should stay open to letting her take contact with you for some time. Often times people have questions, they want to "understand", "know what went wrong", etc. Really these questions usually don't lead anywhere, but they're a way for people to feel like they're getting a grip on the situation. It gives them the time to process the loss and feel heard. Being treated with respect goes a long way in break ups, as opposed to being brutally cut off and ghosted without consideration, which often leaves unnecessary scars.
The way you described things, I suspect that eventually you'll have to put a firm end to it, because she might get obsessed and not let go, but it's still worth trying a smooth landing.
I'm an accountant, which is great because I work virtually. So I was planning on breaking up with her, getting the locks changed on saturday, then heading out of town for a week and working from the road a bit.
Maybe she'll tell that detail to her friends when she'll be angry and feel like venting about you. "The ******* left me right before Valentine's day!"
But really, it doesn't change anything. If you look hard enough, you'll always find a reason why right now is not the right time.
Now, there is no way that you can spare her the pain of the break up itself. She wants to be with you, you no longer want to be with her, that's gonna sting no matter how you put it.
All you can do is be humane about it. Be honest, don't put her down, try to be ready to mention positive stuff from her and the relationship, and frame things in a way that highlights the idea it's about the relationship and your mutual dynamic not being what you want in your life, instead of making it about her flaws. After all, that's the truth: you're the one making the decision, thus the decision is about you and what you want, not about her.
I would also say that, within reason, you should stay open to letting her take contact with you for some time. Often times people have questions, they want to "understand", "know what went wrong", etc. Really these questions usually don't lead anywhere, but they're a way for people to feel like they're getting a grip on the situation. It gives them the time to process the loss and feel heard. Being treated with respect goes a long way in break ups, as opposed to being brutally cut off and ghosted without consideration, which often leaves unnecessary scars.
The way you described things, I suspect that eventually you'll have to put a firm end to it, because she might get obsessed and not let go, but it's still worth trying a smooth landing.
So,
we had a long - and long overdue - discussion last night because she was extremely upset at me because I was not supporting her very demanding emotional needs. I explained that I am just not the right person for her as I am not naturally a caretaker, am very independent, and am very focused on the practicalities of day-to-day living whereas she requires someone who will devote a lot of time to comforting her and catering to her emotional needs. Additionally, she is always going to be disappointed that I don't share her core beliefs and values - for example, she wanted me to consult a christian mystical life coach. I explained that I am not that type of person - though I am a practicing catholic with a spiritual side, I am not into mysticism and a whole host of other aspects that are part of the cult and cultish people that she follows. To her, they are significant connections to her spiritual side...and to me, they are charlatains. And that gap is just way to wide to bridge.
All in all, I believe we came to an understanding. While I am sure she is disappointed, I think I might have played it up in my own head as something more hurtful that it would really be.
Thanks for those who responded. I feel like I have a weight off my shoulders, and this feedback provided some encouragement for making the right decision.
The only thing I would be interested in doing in your place would be to actually find out if she has a bipolar disorder. However the only way to do that is to work with a proxy of a family member, or a friend if its possible to get her to a mental health professional.
There is nothing in it for you though. It would have to be a calling.
All you can do is be humane about it. Be honest, don't put her down, try to be ready to mention positive stuff from her and the relationship, and frame things in a way that highlights the idea it's about the relationship and your mutual dynamic not being what you want in your life, instead of making it about her flaws. After all, that's the truth: you're the one making the decision, thus the decision is about you and what you want, not about her.
I would also say that, within reason, you should stay open to letting her take contact with you for some time. Often times people have questions, they want to "understand", "know what went wrong", etc. Really these questions usually don't lead anywhere, but they're a way for people to feel like they're getting a grip on the situation. It gives them the time to process the loss and feel heard. Being treated with respect goes a long way in break ups, as opposed to being brutally cut off and ghosted without consideration, which often leaves unnecessary scars.
I agree with this. This, to me, would be the right thing to do, as long as she doesn't go off the rails and you keep strong boundaries. If you can be a friend, however distant, that's a nice thing to do - if you're into it. I tried to remain friends with an ex and it wasn't possible. Just too many issues and outbursts. You'll have to wait and see what happens.
we had a long - and long overdue - discussion last night because she was extremely upset at me because I was not supporting her very demanding emotional needs. I explained that I am just not the right person for her as I am not naturally a caretaker, am very independent, and am very focused on the practicalities of day-to-day living whereas she requires someone who will devote a lot of time to comforting her and catering to her emotional needs. Additionally, she is always going to be disappointed that I don't share her core beliefs and values - for example, she wanted me to consult a christian mystical life coach. I explained that I am not that type of person - though I am a practicing catholic with a spiritual side, I am not into mysticism and a whole host of other aspects that are part of the cult and cultish people that she follows. To her, they are significant connections to her spiritual side...and to me, they are charlatains. And that gap is just way to wide to bridge.
All in all, I believe we came to an understanding. While I am sure she is disappointed, I think I might have played it up in my own head as something more hurtful that it would really be.
Thanks for those who responded. I feel like I have a weight off my shoulders, and this feedback provided some encouragement for making the right decision.
okay, excellent. I hope this is it for you. And she doesn't suddenly think she cannot live without you.
Do yourself a favor and don't engage with her anymore about anything at all.
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