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So for those who I know will say it, I actually have an appointment with my counselor this afternoon.
I was curious on some advice.
I recently started talking to a new guy I met online. We both found each other familiar. Come to find out, we both worked at the same place in different departments, but he left a year ago for another job. We saw each other around, but never actually met.
We have so much in common. More than anyone I've ever met. Values, lifestyle, future goals, both own homes, have good careers, similar views of the world. It's been awesome talking to him. We text, all day, everyday. We flirt, and he tells me he loves that I am smart and he finds that sexy.
I like his personality too. He asks great questions. It's a good mix of flirtation and getting to know one another.
After so much time, I asked if he would like to meet in person some time.
He then tells me honestly that he just got out of a three year relationship. The last year of it was horrible. He also said he is dealing with a small sinus infection and is recovering from that. He says because of his relationship ending he doesnt want to rush and jump into something fast.
I expressed concern over what he said. I told him I had dated someone in the past who was fresh out of a relationship and it didn't go well. The person strung me along and liked my company, but nothing more.
He assured me that he loved talking to me and wouldn't still be talking to me if he wasn't interested in pursuing something. He said he does really want a relationship, but wants to move very slowly. He seemed very genuine in what he said. He doesn't seem to be hiding anything. He said he and his ex were just not compatible and she didn't want to put any effort into the relationship.
He keeps saying maybe next week we can get together and by then he'll feel better from his sinus infection.
We are still talking lots.
We've even been going through that weird gushy phase saying cute things back and forth. Sending cute emojis, and heavily flirting. I've never really had that with anyone. He sends me pictures of his house, saying how he'd love to spend time with me there. He asks me about my house too and always inquires about my day.
I am starting to really like him.
My issue is, I feel uncomfortable. Not in a bad creepy way. But I feel like we are running out of things to text about. I feel pressured to try and be interesting, because I want him to like me. I feel like such a loser when I can't come up with anything interesting to say. He says he loves talking to me and he says cute things and I say them back. Part of me wonders if I've reciprocated too much. Shown him I like him too much? But he's the one saying he wants to cuddle me on his couch and making cute remarks. That's where I feel confusion. Saying you wish I was there, but they told me you don't want to rush. It doesn't make sense. Bit he isn't actually initiating anything. So it's just texting and I get that.
I like that he doesn't want to rush. But then I get confused when he sends me pictures of his house and says he'd love to sit in his backyard with me and enjoy it. That seems rushing to me, even though we aren't doing it. I fear I'll be his girlfriend replacement/rebound.
I feel conflicted. I like him, I don't want to rush either, we keep talking a ton. I've told him that I don't want to rush him and that if he does want to meet up, I'll leave the ball in his court to let me know.
I honestly don't want to rush him. I know how he feels, I've been there. But I also really like him and feel myself getting excited about him. I love getting texts from him. He makes me smile.
He's been very supportive too. Saying that his goal is to make me happy everyday and I even told him that one of my family members is ill and dying. He got very serious and offered his support to me if I need someone, that he'll be there for me. It's been very genuine and kind.
But I just feel so conflicted, I like him, trying not to rush me, trying not to rush him, but also trying to keep it interesting. I feel myself getting into that mindset of trying to get him to like me. I hate when I do this. I'm awesome, and I don't need to prove it to him. But I naturally get into that role. Then I get nervous and I start censoring what I'm saying and get self conscious.
I just want to see where this could go. Any advice or insight?
I've also set it in my mind, that if he doesn't want to meet after 3 to 4 weeks, then I'm not interested anymore. I am trying to talk to other guys online, but they keep ghosting me.
I didn't see how long this texting has been going on, but I can tell you that IF he is being truthful about the last relationship, he is very emotionally unavailable to you. His heart is still "busy" with his EX and he doesn't want to be alone. That is why he's on those sites. To do just this. Talk, text and then comes the flirting and sexting. More phone calls, you feel like you're falling for him and then finally the day comes to meet and he either stands you up or he is NOTHING like you perceived him to be. It is always a good idea if you are interested in someone you're messaging on a dating site to try and meet as soon as possible for this very reason. Suppose you go 6 months like this, meet him and he's not even the person you thought you were talking to. Emotionally dangerous. You should only meet people in your area (if this is a long distance thing). Don't expect much from him, he's flip flopping around like a fish out of water and it will be a while before he is ready to invite anyone into his chaos.
Guy is already in a relationship. Move on. Can't imagine that even simply meeting for a cup of coffee would put his getting his life back on track off in the ditch. It would, however, expose him with another woman in a public place where someone might mention it to his wife.
You need to stop putting so much energy into interactions with people you just met. I understand you want a relationship but you need to relax OP. You're trying WAY to hard to force connection and putting way to much pressure on yourself. Just be social and talk to the dude. It is not and never will be that serious. Just stay true to yourself and look out for your own best interest. Also focus on building your own life and filling it with things you're interested in so you're not hanging onto every potential guy's word.
100% agree. I'm really trying hard to do this. I really am.
I'm not feeling the mixed messaging. Just got out of a 3 year relationship and wants to take it slow, yet constant flirty texting that borders on love bombing? Maybe THIS is why you're feeling uncomfortable, but attributing it to an insecurity? I don't know that I would continue pursuing this guy if he continues with the mixed messages.
Yeah...this.
He's not interested in being serious. That's what he's telling you...but then on the other hand, he'll "be there for emotional support" but isn't interested in meeting you yet. He's a walking talking bag of inconsistent, contradictory statements.
If it were me, I'd slow down on the texting. Let him decide if he misses you or not, and let him wonder if you miss him.
Slow down to maybe once or twice a day and you can explain if you want, that life gets busy.
I’m curious Mandi, he said “he just got out of a three year relationship.” What does “just” mean? A month ago? Six months ago? I mean, he’s obviously still processing the end of the relationship, so I don’t think he’s ready (so not sure why he’s on a dating website?!) but I’m just wondering how long it’s been since it ended.
He said it isn't that he is opposes to a relationship. He says he wants one, but he just doesn't want one so quick like after two or three dates. He did say he's still trying to get over the relationship, not necessarily her. He knows she wasn't right for him. But three years was long.
I am getting concerned overly the flirty, suggestive texting. I mean it's fun, and he does then ask me all sorta of regular stuff too. But like I just don't want to get used. He's reassured me multiple times that he's being very upfront with me and does want to meet me sometime soon.
He also tells me I make him smile a lot.
Last edited by Mandi9; 02-10-2022 at 05:43 PM..
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