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I got love bombed. I can't believe I fell for it. As soon as he got me on the hook, he's losing interest.
I really should have started a betting pool on this because I knew we'd see a post like this.
I have my doubts that he love-bombed. My suspicion is that you built this up in your head to be more than what it was---texting and a pizza date, which others have explained to you is not some grand romance---and now of course it's going to be his fault for losing interest that was never particularly all that strong to begin with. He's going to be a narcissist who love-bombed you. Too bad that is not how love-bombing works. True love-bombing is an effort that does not stop until a relationship is well-established and you did not have even the beginning of a relationship with this guy. He was a smooth talker at most.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall at your therapy sessions. I'll wager the term "borderline personality" comes up a lot. Maybe "histrionic" and "preoccupied attachment," too.
It is a cruel game. Or maybe more a dance. But the way you set the tone now will decide your future with or without him.
If you are too eager - he will run or walk all over you.
Men are hunter. They want to EARN your attention. It is like a car - if someone just gives you a car, you will not appreciate it as much as if you have saved up for it over time.
Therefore, don't always text back immediately. Because you are a busy woman with a life. Don't always be available. Try to let him be the last with his texts. If the conversation is over, don't make it go longer, just let it be. Don't send overly long texts all the time or 3 in a row.
Before you are a couple, don't be too spontaneous with meeting immediately, always plan ahead, 2-3 days before. Because you are so busy, you don't just sit around and wait until he suggests to meet. Don't be too transparent, don't tell him all the time what you are doing.
I am also in the middle of such a dance, it is really, really hard on my patience. I am going out with someone else tomorrow to be distracted. Believe me, it takes the pressure off. And if you are not reachable for a few hours, he will wonder and get even more eager to win you over.
If you realize you talk too much, do some breathing exercises in between or count to 5 in your head. Of course without him knowing.
You can do this!!
I don't think its very relevant early on. Initially I would suggest that its more useful in revealing his interest. I don't think it does much in the way of increasing interest.
Later on it might help secure the relationship because with investment comes cognitive dissonance.
Does not change the basic fact that its useful though.
And talk about me over-investing. This was the guy who was messaging me "I wish you were here cuddling with me" and "you male me smile every single day when I wake up, you are on my mind"
Don't confuse someone uttering words they know will hook another person with being ACTUALLY invested.
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And talk about me over-investing. This was the guy who was messaging me "I wish you were here cuddling with me" and "you male me smile every single day when I wake up, you are on my mind"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
Don't confuse someone uttering words they know will hook another person with being ACTUALLY invested.
I agree. Mandi, come on. LOTS of guys say things like that if they think it will get a woman into bed. Talk is cheap. Wake up.
Don't beat yourself up too much. Its just part of OLD. Lots of lotharios on there who are just into the chase. They get some ego boost out of womanizing someone but have no intention of following up.
Hopefully you know how to prevent this from happening again.
That's possible, but Lotharios tend to seek conquest not validation. There is not much in the way of conquest here. it is a female tendency to be content with validation.
Using an Occam's razor approach, the simplest explanation for first dates failing to turn into anything material is that the profile outperforms the actual goods. I would suspect a bloated resume for lots of interviews but few job offers.
You know what, Mandi, please pick a book and start to read so that you think of someting else but him, and read and read until he sends you a text with the second date.
You know what, Mandi, please pick a book and start to read so that you think of someting else but him, and read and read until he sends you a text with the second date.
Why the heck should she wait on him texting her for a second date? If I were in her shoes, I'd be looking at other prospects on OLD as well, or other activities with friends or social groups. This guy can't be the only male around worth her interest or time.
I know. I get it. I just want love like everyone else in life. I've been so unlucky. I feel like I have every little piece in my life good. Good job, friends, home, etc... but love has always been missing for me. I want it so badly. It's the only thing I've never had. I look around and everyone around me has a love in their life, and I don't. It makes you feel so unworthy sometimes. My friends and family think I'm this amazing person, so why doesn't someone else respect me, get to know me, learn to love every part of me? I just want to share my life with someone else and to share in their life too.
I don't want to settle, but I also don't want to have such high standards that I'm alone forever. I see my friends married, and they are so comfortable, friends, imperfect, with their person. But they are happy and supported and loved. I just want that too. I think I deserve love. I have so much love and effort to give.
I am sorry. There is someone for you out there!!
Do not give up. Just learn from your experience. You will meet a good guy, it is just a matter of time.
I got love bombed. I can't believe I fell for it. As soon as he got me on the hook, he's losing interest.
Are you saying that because he has not contacted you for a second date? He told you that he was having a friend visit. Just chill and be patient. I don't understand how you got to the thoughts above.
Are you saying that because he has not contacted you for a second date? He told you that he was having a friend visit. Just chill and be patient. I don't understand how you got to the thoughts above.
Same thought here. This is one of the problems with cell phones, texting, and the overall instant gratification and expected immediacy of any texting interactions. I'm not one to wax lyrical about the "good old days," but not so very long ago, you couldn't constantly hang on your phone and had to wait to get home and see if a guy (or gal) reached out to you before a date and called you afterwards. Coming home to a light blinking on the answering machine or leaving a message on someone else's machine was always a bit exciting (and sometimes, nerve-wracking. See: the movie "Swingers." )
My boyfriend, when I began seeing him, was a (much) milder version of Mandi in terms of expecting this constant interaction and immediate responses and had to be "trained" out of it as my phone is not constantly at hand. Even if it were, I don't have time or the patience for constant "kissy emoji" and "how's your day going/this is how my day is going" texting. His mind as he put it, "would spiral" into all sorts of different scenarios if I didn't return his texts or kept responses brief (sound familiar?) until he figured out that yes, I was interested in dating him, and figured out how I rolled when dating/in a relationship.
To put things into perspective, having space between chats and dates gives people to look forward to sharing thoughts, ideas, and laughs with one another.
Mandi, you weren't "love bombed." What you two did was the lead up to a date that took a bit too long to arrange. Now that you've met, the two of you can settle into a more normal pattern of things (if you're both inclined to do so, that is) and perhaps plan your next date once this guy has had his fun weekend with friends. Keep your options open by continuing to see other people, but if you want to go out again with each other, do it.
Also, did the two of you discuss going out again at the end of your date? It's been my experience that when a date goes well, nebulous plans for the second date are made at the end of the first or at least one or the other of us says, "hey--would you like to go out again?"
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 02-18-2022 at 01:48 PM..
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