New Guy, Not Rushing, Feeling Uncomfortable buy Excited? (marriage, cheating, separate)
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I'm going to post back on the topic of this thread. The guy still messages me daily, asks how I am, very broad, but seems to care to ask about me a lot every day.
But so far no more date plans. He hasn't mentioned any. I think I've made it very clear that I'd like to go out again. So I've left it alone and will not ask him.
I'm a bit confused. Like on the past, I went out with guys, and then they stopped texting. I got that loud and clear. They weren't interested. That was okay, a bummer, but okay.
Why keep texting and initiating with me daily, when you don't try to see me again?
It's just odd to me. Maybe he's talking to others? Maybe he's struggling to get over his last relationship. I don't know. But he's very broad and basic in his conversations with me. Asks how I am, doesn't say much about himself. That's it, everyday, many times a day.
Not sure what to think of this. He could also be waiting for the weekend to go out again. But I'm not holding my breath.
Women do not like a man that is a doormat, but Its a little nuanced with men I believe . So its a bit of a female projection. Men prefer to get what they want the easiest way possible. I don't think he would want her being a doormat to other men, however he is not going to mind if he gets his way.
However the actual problem is its hard to know how invested he is. Thus the effect is not on his psychology , but in any kind of a metric for enthusiasm. . If he likes a girl, he will go through more trouble. He might be gaming it ...who knows?
I can add a personal experience. Sometimes it works to force his hand. I think I was "used" in this regard once( I was glad to help really). This girl started to come my way and I was kind of, "ok lets see what happens" , but had in the back of my mind that I knew that she had long smouldering thing with some other guy. He made his move real quick. I was flattered she picked me as a credible threat to this guy because he was a smoothy. They married not long after.
Most of the men I have dated like a challenge. Challenge in a good way, not someone you just met who hangs on your every text, and drops huge hints to ask them out again. One ex commented that his next GF was super nice... and it made him miss me, the other one dated a high school friend who was super nice and easy going, he said it drove him nuts, we got married. Granted I'm not abusive or game playing, or any of those types of negatives, but I brook no BS. The other guy I dated for about 9 mos asked the 2nd date on my way to the parking lot from our first date.
Even among my GFs, I don't think any of them had a guy into them that didn't ask for a 2nd date darn soon after meeting. Unless something was going on then it's like "I have to travel home for a week, I come home on Tues. Would love to meet for drinks Tues. night."
It may be hard to "know" how invested he is, but it is not hard to interpreted to see what investment his actions are showing, or not showing, as the case may be.
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Most of the men I have dated like a challenge. Challenge in a good way, not someone you just met who hangs on your every text, and drops huge hints to ask them out again. One ex commented that his next GF was super nice... and it made him miss me, the other one dated a high school friend who was super nice and easy going, he said it drove him nuts, we got married. Granted I'm not abusive or game playing, or any of those types of negatives, but I brook no BS. The other guy I dated for about 9 mos asked the 2nd date on my way to the parking lot from our first date.
Even among my GFs, I don't think any of them had a guy into them that didn't ask for a 2nd date darn soon after meeting. Unless something was going on then it's like "I have to travel home for a week, I come home on Tues. Would love to meet for drinks Tues. night."
It may be hard to "know" how invested he is, but it is not hard to interpreted to see what investment his actions are showing, or not showing, as the case may be.
Yes, I agree with all of this.
My current partner, after our first date, walked me to my car. Asked for the second date right there. I had to postpone because this was in December 2020 when covid was in full swing and I was about to go home for the holidays and wanted to quarantine a couple weeks.
But after the holidays I contacted him and we had our second date. But he definitely initiated at the end of our first.
I've had plenty of dates that went nowhere as well. One or both of us just didn't feel it or just weren't in a place to want that.
Its not doing oneself any favors to hang on to something when all the signs are there that this just isn't it.
Learn to let go and move forward. Keep your options wide open as long as possible. Getting hung up on a dude you're casually texting and isn't showing investment... that's just not it.
I'm going to post back on the topic of this thread. The guy still messages me daily, asks how I am, very broad, but seems to care to ask about me a lot every day.
But so far no more date plans. He hasn't mentioned any. I think I've made it very clear that I'd like to go out again. So I've left it alone and will not ask him.
I'm a bit confused. Like on the past, I went out with guys, and then they stopped texting. I got that loud and clear. They weren't interested. That was okay, a bummer, but okay.
Why keep texting and initiating with me daily, when you don't try to see me again?
It's just odd to me. Maybe he's talking to others? Maybe he's struggling to get over his last relationship. I don't know. But he's very broad and basic in his conversations with me. Asks how I am, doesn't say much about himself. That's it, everyday, many times a day.
Not sure what to think of this. He could also be waiting for the weekend to go out again. But I'm not holding my breath.
I am a bit of a lurker and haven't responded much, but have been following the whole thread. I feel we have similarities in getting overly invested, even when the guy is underwhelming or putting in minimal effort. I struggle in a lot of the same ways you do, based on your posts that I've read. I've essentially removed myself from the dating game completely, because to me it's more trouble than it's worth (especially for my mental health), but I understand your and others desire to keep trying.
This guy is 'breadcrumbing' you. He's keeping you on the hook 'just in case,' essentially leading you on. If I were you (and willing to keep on going with the dating game right now), I'd pretend like he's not interested and just move on. I am also not comfortable dating multiple guys at the same time, but you're not dating this guy. I'd probably try to meet other people at this point, as though this situation has completely fizzled out. That way you're not driving yourself crazy over something that may never happen, BUT... if next week he reaches out and finally says 'hey I'm ready for that 2nd date,' that would be a bonus in which YOU can make the call. If that doesn't happen, and it very well may not, you are moving on already... no harm, no foul.
Most people are not going to be worth your time and energy. If you are not getting what you want upon initial contacts/meeting... just let 'em go. IMO it's better to stay single than deal with this kind of BS.
I essentially confronted him about making another date.
He told me he didn't want to rush it, because being single is new for him and he's adjusting to it, Yada Yada. But he probably will hangout with me again, just not in a rush to do so.
I told him that I hope I didn't make him feel rushed. And how I respect how he feels. That I wasn't looking for an instant relationship, but that I was interested in dating, getting to know someone, and seeing where it could go. And how in the next year I do hope to be in a relationship.
He says I didn't rush him at all. He said that he likes me and is trying to respect me. How he hasn't been single in a long time and he feels uneasy about it.
I then told him that it seems to me that he should take this time alone to himself to figure out what he wants. I told him I want him to be happy, and hopefully I'm still around if he decides what he wants. But that I am looking for someone who is willing to put more effort into going out and getting to know one another on dates. Because texting isn't truly quality time.
He then says how he'd be happy to keep talking to me, and maybe hangout again. But how he doesn't want to delay my happiness and I shouldn't wait around for him.
I told him I'm open to occasionally talking still, but my goals are the same and I will be chasing my goals.
I went online, updated my dating profile. Re-arranged pictures, edited my text.
He then proceeded to flirt with me and try to start up the sexy texts again.
I stopped him and said that I will not be engaging in such type messages with him, after he expressed he didn't know if he even wanted to go out with me again. He apologized and said he understood.
I'm seeking other men online currently. I'll talk to him occasionally, if he asked to go out, I'd go, but I am not settling. I'm not a doormat. And I will not put my life on hold for him.
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