New Guy, Not Rushing, Feeling Uncomfortable buy Excited? (girls, therapy, engagement)

[trusso11783]

Originally Posted by Mandi9

I asked him out after a few days of talking. Thats when he told me he wasn't wanting to rush to quickly.

So I told him I understood. The ball is in his court, and I won't pressure him to go out asap.

He said his relationship ended one month ago, but for the last year the relationship was terrible and they spoke about breaking up a lot until they finally did.

What does that have to do with you? You aren’t the last woman. I never once judged the new girlfriend form the last one. Of course, I was more hesitant each time but I gave everyone a new slate. How does going out for coffee or lunch threaten him emotionally? Sounds like a major wuss. If he is so hung up on the ex, then he shouldn’t even be texting and calling.

Move on from this little boy.

[Bungalove]

Originally Posted by Mandi9

I asked him out after a few days of talking. Thats when he told me he wasn't wanting to rush to quickly.

So I told him I understood. The ball is in his court, and I won't pressure him to go out asap.

He said his relationship ended one month ago, but for the last year the relationship was terrible and they spoke about breaking up a lot until they finally did.

Oh, GMAB. He just got out of a relationship so presumably he's hurting, BUT he's happy to text and phone you with flirting and love-bombing pretty much right away? The least he can do is meet you for no strings attached coffee face-to-face. If he can't manage that, then he either has some background thing going on that you don't want any part of, or he's just playing with you. I'd think you would want to find out before you invest any more into this "relationship", if you can even call it that.

[moongirl00]

Originally Posted by Ghobi

Cease all texting, telling him you cannot invest in anything unless you meet up and will be meanwhile dating others. Ok, don't tell him the latter, just look for someone who isn't a rebound or player. No more deceptive time wasters or people you need to talk into anything. You should look to places outside of online dating to meet new people.

All the text flirting is just catfishy in the sense of building fake intimacy and intentions. You have not met. It is a strange guy who does this. He probably gets a safe, non invested kick out of it, validation, ego boost from women online.

I agree with this. This is what vetting is for, although it can be hard once we start to like someone and become more willing to explain away their red flags.

This guy sounds like a time waster. He probably enjoys having someone to chat with but what he wants is a penpal, not a girlfriend.

Ruthless vetting is required especially in OLD where many people are not taking it seriously or even catfishing. If you don't want to waste time you need to be willing and able to cut people off as soon as you realize they are not taking it or you seriously (and you want to date seriously).

[gentlearts]

OP needs to back up and be a bit harder to get. It’s sounds like she’s scaring him away.

If he wasn’t looking for a new relationship, why is he on a dating site? If I were her, I’d text him to let me know when he’s had enough space, and he wants to take me out. Then I would not contact him at all.

[karen_in_nh_2012]

Originally Posted by Mandi9

Actually, he called me on the phone last night. I was pleasantly surprised.

Nothing sexual. He wanted to get to know me more. He asked about me and my family. My job and my life. We talked for one hour. It was really nice. After he texted me hoping I still liked him after hearing his voice. I said yes and he said he liked me too.

It was a refreshing change from texting. It was an honestly genuine nice conversation. I truly feel he is a good guy.

I'm trying not to let my insecurity seep in. I'm a little chubby, and I sorry he won't like me when he sees me. But I did tell him I was a Curvy girl. So he knows.

He said he gained a lot of weight during covid, so he must not be that thin either.

Trying to stay confident. I'm very confident by what he said last night that we will meet soon. I know wait and see when he asks, but I know he will.

I'm very happy. Overly happy. I walk up smiling thinking of him. He leaves me cute morning messages at like 3am when he knows I'm sleeping. It's so cute. I smile a lot now. I feel confident and keep reminding myself that I an awesome, and that's the girl he likes. Trying not to fall into my insecurity and become so worried about every little thing. In the past I'd get so worried about turning someone off.

But hey, if they don't like me, that's their issue and they aren't right for me.

I've honestly never felt more like myself before. He makes me comfortable to be me. I think just embracing myself is part of my overall happiness. Not the guy, but that does help, but the embracing what I want and who I am. Being honest and upfront. I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone, but it feels so amazing and happy
Just have to keep it up.

Oh, Mandi, Mandi, Mandi.

YOU DON'T KNOW HIM. You have had multiple TEXTS and ONE phone call -- and NO meeting in person even though you brought it up early on!!

RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE -- and you CONTINUE to ignore them!! Mandi, no!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by Mandi9

Yes all through text, but now he's been calling me too on the phone.

He's BEEN CALLING you? You said he called you ONCE!!

And even if he's called you more than that: YOU HAVE NOT MET HIM. YOU DO NOT KNOW HIM.

Originally Posted by Mandi9

He has sent me selfies. His Facebook that I found is him, being exactly how he told me he was and shows him as single

His FACEBOOK says he's single? Oh, Mandi, Mandi, Mandi. You can be ANYTHING YOU WANT on Facebook!

Originally Posted by Mandi9

I asked him out after a few days of talking. Thats when he told me he wasn't wanting to rush to quickly.

So I told him I understood. The ball is in his court, and I won't pressure him to go out asap.

He said his relationship ended one month ago, but for the last year the relationship was terrible and they spoke about breaking up a lot until they finally did.

Please tell me how, say, MEETING FOR COFFEE is "rushing" into ANYTHING? It's just MEETING FOR COFFEE. You know, as possible friends and MAYBE a relationship ONCE YOU ACTUALLY KNOW EACH OTHER.

Sorry for all the caps, but Mandi, you're in your 30s, you KNOW all this stuff!!

But you are making excuse after excuse after excuse for him saying "I don't want to rush."

And using Valentine's Day as an excuse?

Any reasonable person would not expect some romantic VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT when they are just going out for coffee to meet someone for the first time!! I mean, really, do I have to SAY this?

Originally Posted by Bungalove

You're STILL investing way too much of yourself in a person with whom you don't even have a relationship because you aren't even dating. Phone calls and texts are NOT dating. Meet the guy in person and then decide if you're still interested, otherwise this is just an exercise in creative romantic optimism. This guy may talk and text a great persona but be a dud in person, but you won't know until you actually meet and spend some time together.

^^^ What she said. And I emphasized.

Mandi, Mandi, Mandi ... you are too smart for this ... aren't you?

[E-Twist]

I would have told him that if he didn't want to meet people in real life that he shouldn't be on a dating site.

[Mandi9]

I am smart. I'm starting to get weary. Last night we were flirting and being sexy. Bit it's all a joke to him, a fantasy. He essentially said that.

I think that's why I'm getting anxious vibes. I don't want to scare him away. I do really like him though. Idk what to do. Cutting him off cold turkey might be not the right move.

[karen_in_nh_2012]

Originally Posted by Mandi9

I am smart. I'm starting to get weary. Last night we were flirting and being sexy. Bit it's all a joke to him, a fantasy. He essentially said that.

Originally Posted by Mandi9

I think that's why I'm getting anxious vibes. I don't want to scare him away. I do really like him though. Idk what to do. Cutting him off cold turkey might be not the right move.

Cutting him off is EXACTLY the right move!!

Unless he says Let's meet THIS WEEK and then follows through -- CUT HIM OFF.

You are COMPLETELY invested in this man, who by now is pretty much being a jerk, stringing you along, probably masturbating to you being "flirty and sexy" on the phone.

And here you are, desperately wanting to be in a RELATIONSHIP ... and THAT is understandable, but you put up with way too much.

Mandi, you're better than this, and you know it.

[Ceira]

Originally Posted by Mandi9

I am smart. I'm starting to get weary. Last night we were flirting and being sexy. Bit it's all a joke to him, a fantasy. He essentially said that.

I think that's why I'm getting anxious vibes. I don't want to scare him away. I do really like him though. Idk what to do. Cutting him off cold turkey might be not the right move.

"You don't want to scare him away" Your desparation is on full display Mandi. Here you have a guy who's been toying with you and won't meet in person, despite hours and hours of sexting and leading you on. Wake Up! (see bolded above) He's sounding more and more of a jerk the more you post about him.

Cutting him off cold turkey is exactly what you should do! SMH.

[Ceira]

Karen_in_NH. We both posted at the same time - similar advice too. Great minds think alike Sadly though I think Mandi will come up with more excuses as to why she's going to hang in.