Boyfriend broke up with me due to mental health issues

[mordant]

Originally Posted by sparklyskies

TLDR: ex recently broke up with me to focus on himself, mainly on his mental health and career. We decide to be friends but I still love him. WTF do I do?

My stepson's first love interest, a 16 year old in high school, had some mental health issues and had either enough self-awareness or trust of her parent's guidance that she gently explained to him that she was nowhere near ready for a serious relationship. He was crestfallen, but accepted and respected it.

This guy is more conflicted about it. I don't necessarily agree with those who say he has purposely "used" you; he probably has ups and downs and it's pretty clear, from your account anyway, that he got involved with you before a down cycle.

My advice is probably colored by my first marriage being to a person with borderline personality disorder AND paranoid schizophrenia, but I beg you, trust this guy's instincts, however torn you both may be.

It is a fiction we all succumb to ... but in my observation women tend to be a little more susceptible ... that we can somehow be the salvation or change-agent for some troubled person. That only we have the secret sauce.

I'm here to tell you as someone who was with a woman for 15 years and had two children with her, you're never going to heal the wounded bird. They have to heal themselves.

You've already seen the results when he stops therapy (why the heck did he do that?!). He needs counseling and supervision and probably meds. Is this really your ambition, to be in partnership with that? Yes he has potential and yes you see that. It is irrelevant. The only question that matters is can he do you justice? Even he knows that he can't.

What's his diagnosis, and more importantly, his prognosis? I did not listen to my first wife's prognosis, delivered to me in frank terms by her psychiatrist. I was too much in love, too convinced she needed me.

It has been the gift that keeps on giving. My son ended up with his own mental health issues, a common thing in the children of schizophrenics, and it indirectly ended his life at age 30. I would guess your ex is not as bad off as my first wife, I sure hope not, but I have to say that it sounds problematic enough to turn any long term relationship into a long term slog for you.

Yes there's chemistry and connection. But you can get that from any number of people, and with a lot better signal-to-noise ratio.

Run, do not walk, from this relationship. And make darned sure your next one is with a mentally healthy person.

[Hsim]

Originally Posted by GeoffD

+1

I don’t get it. They’ve only been together for a year and only sleeping together for 6 months. The red flares of relationship disaster are firing all over the place. It’s not the OP’s job to somehow try to salvage a guy with mental health problems. If the guy is bad now when the relationship is in the early phases and he’s on best behavior, imagine the train wreck in a few years. Move on. Find someone mentally healthy.

Yes, I have to agree. I am married to someone with mental health problems for 35 years. In the beginning there were just a few odd behaviors but nothing that could not be handled. Well when our daughter was 15 or 16 and starting being a difficult teenager his OCD really blossomed. Even though he on antidepresents and has an analyst he really has not gotten better. Now that he is at retirement age things are just getting worse, now he doesn't want to go on trips, will not do anything active, is getting more afraid to drive and he is a hypochondriac. I feel trapped at home with him all day and wish I could get out of this marriage.

[star-shaped]

Hello,

I felt inspired to reply to this as I have recently had a similar experience with a similar timeline.

I met my now ex at the start of 2021 and things were amazing for all of last year. He told me early on that he sometimes experiences what he referred to as ‘periods of dark clouds’ and there were times throughout our relationship where it was apparent that he has difficulties. He was always quite insecure and for most of our relationship he was terrified of the thought of losing me. I was his main priority.

His mental health seemed to start to gradually decline from late November and he basically had a breakdown over New Year while he was isolating with covid and there was a noticeable change in him after this. He became withdrawn, less affectionate and often seemed tense. He became obsessed with his (lack of) success in his career as a musician and is very worried about supporting himself financially. This is the longest any of his dark periods has lasted for and is the most intense. He has also been experiencing disassociation and derealisation.

A lot of what you wrote about your ex not loving himself, being unhappy with many things, especially his career, really resonate. My ex opened up to me about these things in February and at that point it started to become apparent that maybe he isn’t in good working order for a relationship. A big concern is that while he has been having some therapy, he is totally clear that he would never consider taking medication at any point. The fact that your ex has stopped therapy is quite concerning.

We broke up a couple of weeks ago, I was prepared to try for a little longer but he just doesn’t have it in him and I understand that this was the only option.

While some people draw strength from their romantic relationships while they are unwell, some people just don’t have it in them. They are often experiencing multiple stressors and the relationship is just an additional stressor. Relationships take hard work and emotional energy and when someone is unwell mentally, their emotional energy will be depleted.
While mental health isn’t my area I have a PhD and work in Psychology so I have good understanding and I also tend to approach things in a realistic and pragmatic way, which really helps.

I spoke to someone at work earlier and she said she was in a relationship for 11 years where he was in and out of hospital and that it was draining and awful. Is that what you want over the longer term?

Staying in each others lives with the hope that you will eventually get back together could mean that this drags on and on and that you are unable to move on and heal. It may be possible to establish a friendship but I believe that there needs to be an extended period of no contact before that can happen. Staying in contact will also potentially cause distress and create pressure for him and will not be good for either of you.

My ex and I agreed no contact and I’m focusing on myself and moving on. We plan to be friends but that will be a little later down the line.

I really recommend the Heal your Heartbreak podcast, it is a useful resource that has helped me a lot.