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I have to give you a pat on the back for even lasting this long with him.. For me.. I woulda been gone a long time ago. No one has to play second fiddle to anyone.. Sure he lost his wife.. he needs to come to terms with it and move on if he wants to be in a relationship. Evidently he is FAR from being in any type of relationship. Tell him .. its been fun .. but it is time for you to go.. explain to him how you feel and then give him back his key.. pack your stuff and hit the door.. Hopefully you still have stuff from your life before you found this grieving type of person!
You met him before he was done grieving.
I think you need to step back a bit and give him some space and time.
I don't see the party as a big issue....
I think you are trying to rush him....you need to leave him be.
He probably should've taken more time after his wife passed, to grieve properly.
However, if you really love him, keep him in your life and give him some time. Don't pressure him before he is ready.
It's very possible that he really loves you; but the thing is.....if he did not go through the grieving process, he will not be able to enter into a relationship fully.....so step back - he sounds like he'd be worth waiting for.
I really don't think this man had enough time to heal, he jumped into a relationship within 6 months after his wife died. For me personally, that might be too soon.
Sure some of the stuff you mentioned is creepy, especially the hamper thing, but some people just don't know how to deal with grief.
Is he willing to go see grief counselor? If he is a great person and you love him, I wouldn't just give up on him totally, but you two definitely need time apart in order for him to heal and he NEEDS the grief counseling immediately, him AND his kids.
I think you are trying to rush him....you need to leave him be.
She didn't rush him. He rushed himself. I don't blame him as I can totally relate to the reasoning behind, but she shouldn't have gotten involved with him at all to begin with.
You all say pretty much what I have been feeling. Yes I think it would have been better if I had not got involved with him so soon after his partner died, but by the time I realised the extent of his grief we were well into the relationship. A couple of times I have tried to step back but he has gotten extremely upset about it, he says he loves me and wants to be with me. He does not want to take a step back and says how much he appreciates my understanding. Everything is fine for a while then he goes back into his grieving and I feel I have been put out and am not part of his life again.
You all say pretty much what I have been feeling. Yes I think it would have been better if I had not got involved with him so soon after his partner died, but by the time I realised the extent of his grief we were well into the relationship. A couple of times I have tried to step back but he has gotten extremely upset about it, he says he loves me and wants to be with me. He does not want to take a step back and says how much he appreciates my understanding. Everything is fine for a while then he goes back into his grieving and I feel I have been put out and am not part of his life again.
His grieving is understandable, but you shouldn't ruin your life because of it. Not to mention you have children to think of as well.
Briefly skimmed through the responses so pardon any repetitions that may exist but here is what I think.
People say divorce and death are similar. They are in a way. Most of the time, however, divorce is something that is slowly led up to, death may not necessarily be so. Now I'm not sure what the circumstances were here in regards to her death but if it happened to be a sudden, unexpected thing the grief can be a lot harder as he did not have time to prepare himself (as much as possible) for it. If it was more a prolonged illness and he had time to prepare then, it's still hard but it didn't take him by a huge surprise.
I do think that he may have been lonely, grieving and seeking a relationship too soon. He apparently has not been able to disconnect from his deceased wife. I say that mainly because of the clothing and the make-up, not so much the "shrine" thing with her pictures. That part I can understand a bit more. You say you need to think of the kids here too. Well that may be what he is doing with that. It's bad enough those kids lost their mom, now how much more difficult would it be for him to suddenly remove all her pictures from the walls, it's like now she is really gone to them and he may not believe they are ready for that.
As to the first part, his dealing with it. I wonder did he go through any grief counseling? I think it would be essential that he did do that, or does do that. There is no doubt a lot of emotion that he needs to work through. Hopefully you guys have a good communication and perhaps you can talk to him about that if you haven't already.
With the clothing and make-up, it may be difficult for him to do it himself. Perhaps finding out if that is the case, if so maybe he can have a friend help him, or maybe a family member. Wouldn't say you because it may be a bit too awkward for him to deal with his feelings at that moment in your presence. He kind of needs that time where he can break down if he needs to and not worry about how you are going to feel about it.
With regards to the pictures that are all over the place, perhaps he could have the children pick certain ones that they really like and want to keep up and those pictures can go up in their room. I am divorced, while I do not have any photo's of my ex-husband around my living area's, my children do have pictures of him and of them with him in their room and that is perfectly okay.
When my fiance and I get married next month, his children will have pictures in their room of their mother and even of their mother with their father if they so choose and that is okay. That is a part of them and doesn't go away simply because daddy has someone new.
I definately wouldn't say run just yet. He may need a little help through this patch but you guys have been together for a while now. More than likely your kids have also been around each other and relationships have built somewhat. His kids may have an attachment to you and it wouldn't be fair to have them lose someone else, if this can be worked out, which it sounds like it may be able to. However, if it can't then it can't and you shouldn't feel guilty about that either. You do have to consider yourself and your children as well.
Really, I would talk to him about how you are feeling. What your concerns are and why and see if there is at least a way that a compromise can be reached where things can be done slowly but that you can see some progression of moving forward with your lives and not like you will always be in the shadows of her memory. I am sure though that you are aware that there will always be a slight bit of that. You have to remember that this man is not with her anymore and now with you because a marriage wasn't working out and they choose to divorce. The situation is what it is because she did pass away. This makes it a bit different and while he may and will move on, it will be a long process and you have to be prepared for that if you love him and want to be with him.
His house is a SHRINE to her, many photos, her clothes still in the drawers and wardrobe, her cosmetics still in the bathroom. The last outfit she wore still in the clothes hamper in the bathroom. THere is one tiny photo of me in that house, and I have voiced my unhappiness about it. He says the photos are for his children, whom he does not want to forget about their mother. I agree that the children should not forget their Mum, and do not want him to remove anything unless he wants to. But as his girlfriend of over a year, I think that when I walk out of his house there should be some sign in there that I am important to him.
Trust your gut.
BIG RED FLAGs here, especially the clothes in the hamper and wardrobe, now THAT is creepy not as insult to him, but as you say, verification that something HUGE is amiss and you are RIGHT to be concerned. Photos are fine, but the clothes-as-shrine is NOT.
Get yourself into counseling, see if he won't get into counseling. If he does not, then run the other way, because without professional help the problems will continue and get worse.
Also, it's not "giving up on him" or the relationship. It can be you stepping away and seeing what progress is made over the next 1-2 years, say. Does he get into therapy? Does the relationship feel like it's the two of you and your future, versus the shrine and the double life you now describe? Trust your gut, and don't stay with him out of pity either.
Also, his clinging to you because he doesn't want to be alone, is a dangerous foundation to build a relationship on. Versus choosing to be with you to build a new life together, which is what would serve you and your kids better.
Also, it's not "giving up on him" or the relationship. It can be you stepping away and seeing what progress is made over the next 1-2 years, say. Does he get into therapy? Does the relationship feel like it's the two of you and your future, versus the shrine and the double life you now describe? Trust your gut, and don't stay with him out of pity either.
Also, his clinging to you because he doesn't want to be alone, is a dangerous foundation to build a relationship on. Versus choosing to be with you to build a new life together, which is what would serve you and your kids better.
I agree it is a dangerous foundation to build a relationship on, he is very convincing when he tells me he loves me, to the point where I start to doubt my instincts!
I can't step away to give him time, I have tried to do that and he was very persistent about us getting back together when it happened.
I am only 34 but don't want to spend my time being his special friend while he sorts himself out... because at times I wonder if he ever will and do I want to be feeling like this in 10 years time when my youth is gone and my children starting to leave home? They need me, my first priority should be them and it feels like this man is sucking my energy from me, energy which I should be putting into bringing up my beautiful children in the best way possible for them.
It's just the worst feeling in the world to be with someone who is there 100% then drops out, like a bad radio signal, and makes you feel like you never knew him and never will. The waxing and waning is doing my head in.
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Thank you for your replies
