Does anyone else love being in relationships but hates dating with a passion? (cheating, husband)
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I don't think anyone here is advocating being a hermit - I certainly am not. But at the same time, I don't want to be on the go go go all the time either, hence the need (desire) for some balance.
One of my Xs always wanted to be 'on the go' all the time - and I wasn't surprised after I was invited into her home. She almost had nothing - no books, no movies, no interesting furnishings, almost nothing on the walls, and virtually nothing in the kitchen - she didn't even like to cook. All she wanted was to go out all the time and spend money all the time... ummm, MY money, that is.
Talk about 'boring'. Yeah, it didn't last.
I see. It sounds like she had more "crash pad" than home.
These days, I wouldn't necessarily assume too much if someone I don't know well doesn't have a lot of books, DVDs, or CDs. I read largely on a Fire and have a lot of streaming services. I also move fairly often, so I learned to be a bit of a minimalist. And I HATE clutter, really despise it. It stresses me out, so I don't have tons of knick-knacks. After a while, it all becomes just more stuff to dust.
On the other hand, everything in my place is fluffy and comfortable. Poofy sofas, pillowtop bed, thick rugs. It is a place to relax. I suppose if anyone wanted to make an assumption of me, they could probably do it by my furniture, photos of family and friends, and refrigerator magnets.
Women typically one that like being social butterflies compared to men. It seems that once a man lands a girlfriend, he's pretty much done being sociable to a certain extent. Yeah, of course he'll go the the occasional Christmas party or Halloween event with friends, but that's about it.
That's not all that healthy, actually. And it is unfair to put all of his needs for companionship on a woman. There have been so many threads on here about women feeling depleted by men when men seek to get all of their emotional and social needs met through their partners. This is how it happens. It is also a good set-up for a very common scenario in which a new baby enters the couple's lives and now the father doesn't get as much attention as he used to from his partner and he has problems adjusting to the new family order.
Fortunately, that's changing. I think men in their early 40s and younger tend to have broader social networks that they maintain even though they are married. Younger generations are less inclined toward the kind of toxic masculinity that shames men for being close friends with one another.
That's not all that healthy, actually. And it is unfair to put all of his needs for companionship on a woman. There have been so many threads on here about women feeling depleted by men when men seek to get all of their emotional and social needs met through their partners. This is how it happens. It is also a good set-up for a very common scenario in which a new baby enters the couple's lives and now the father doesn't get as much attention as he used to from his partner and he has problems adjusting to the new family order.
Fortunately, that's changing. I think men in their early 40s and younger tend to have broader social networks that they maintain even though they are married. Younger generations are less inclined toward the kind of toxic masculinity that shames men for being close friends with one another.
I get what you mean, however, I know married couples or just couples living together, that pretty much do things with each other.
I know a long time dating couple, now married a couple of years, they joined at the hip and they are both on board with it. He told me "we feed off each other" or something to that effect. They dont have kids either.
Of course, living in a more suburban or rural area may have something to do with it. For instance, a married co-worker asked me about my weekend and what I did in the big city. She knew I was single, and was just curious...and I told her.
When I asked her, it was like, "Yeah, my hubby did yard work, I cleaned the house, and on Sunday, sent the kids to grandma so me and the hubby could watch Netflix together"
Ask her what she did on the weekend, and it pretty much entails only themselves as a couple or family stuff.
Yeah, of course you'll get invited to the annual CHristmas party where neighbors gather together, but these social gatherings outside of the marriage on an occasional thing when most of the time they are doing stuff together...and are okay with it.
You sure there's actual shaming going on there? I haven't seen it. Of course, these married guys do poker or Football night with the buds, together on occasion, but then it's back home again a couple hours later, no later than 10 on a Fri night. lol
or the wife will go play golf with her neighbor lady friends, then back home.
But I'm talking a full on "gotta go out every weekend, and socialize with my umpteen, typically only acquainted friends"
Most of my male friends are married, so they are very limited as to what they can do with me. I cut ties with a guy that whenever I'd try to make plans to see a movie that'd come out or whatever plans, he'd be like "I gotta see what the wife had planned that weekend"...and typically there's always something going on with him and his family.
Last edited by ThisTown123; 03-04-2022 at 04:40 AM..
I get what you mean, however, I know married couples or just couples living together, that pretty much do things with each other.
I know a long time dating couple, now married a couple of years, they joined at the hip and they are both on board with it. He told me "we feed off each other" or something to that effect. They dont have kids either.
Of course, living in a more suburban or rural area may have something to do with it. For instance, a married co-worker asked me about my weekend and what I did in the big city. She knew I was single, and was just curious...and I told her.
When I asked her, it was like, "Yeah, my hubby did yard work, I cleaned the house, and on Sunday, sent the kids to grandma so me and the hubby could watch Netflix together"
Ask her what she did on the weekend, and it pretty much entails only themselves as a couple or family stuff.
Yeah, of course you'll get invited to the annual CHristmas party where neighbors gather together, but these social gatherings outside of the marriage on an occasional thing when most of the time they are doing stuff together...and are okay with it.
You sure there's actual shaming going on there? I haven't seen it. Of course, these married guys do poker or Football night with the buds, together on occasion, but then it's back home again a couple hours later, no later than 10 on a Fri night. lol
or the wife will go play golf with her neighbor lady friends, then back home.
But I'm talking a full on "gotta go out every weekend, and socialize with my umpteen, typically only acquainted friends"
Most of my male friends are married, so they are very limited as to what they can do with me. I cut ties with a guy that whenever I'd try to make plans to see a movie that'd come out or whatever plans, he'd be like "I gotta see what the wife had planned that weekend"...and typically there's always something going on with him and his family.
I am talking about the kind of toxic masculinity that is threatened by men having close friendships, not football night or poker night. The kind of toxicity that automatically assumes the two men are homosexual and uses the term "homosexual" as a slur.
Kids change a lot, so I am not talking about that.
Just a couple? Nope. There are seven days in the week. If someone doesn't have time for friends outside their relationship, something is wrong. "Feed off each other?" The couple you know sounds codependent. What are they, vampires?
I am talking about the kind of toxic masculinity that is threatened by men having close friendships, not football night or poker night. The kind of toxicity that automatically assumes the two men are homosexual and uses the term "homosexual" as a slur.
Kids change a lot, so I am not talking about that.
Just a couple? Nope. There are seven days in the week. If someone doesn't have time for friends outside their relationship, something is wrong. "Feed off each other?" The couple you know sounds codependent. What are they, vampires?
Something isn't wrong, if they are both okay with it. Yeah the "vampires", I do find it a bit odd though, but that's them.
The "poker a night once week with the boys, and golf once a week with the ladies" is quite common around here.
Once a week is enough, and healthy. If they are both on board with it, then it's all good.
That's not all that healthy, actually. And it is unfair to put all of his needs for companionship on a woman. There have been so many threads on here about women feeling depleted by men when men seek to get all of their emotional and social needs met through their partners. This is how it happens. It is also a good set-up for a very common scenario in which a new baby enters the couple's lives and now the father doesn't get as much attention as he used to from his partner and he has problems adjusting to the new family order.
Fortunately, that's changing. I think men in their early 40s and younger tend to have broader social networks that they maintain even though they are married. Younger generations are less inclined toward the kind of toxic masculinity that shames men for being close friends with one another.
Your partner should be your main companion and the one you value above all others. I like my friends, I've known most of them since highschool, but if it's a choice between hanging with my buddies or hanging with my girl(when I have one) my girl will win every time, there is nothi9ng I do with my friends that I enjoy more than spending time with a lady(me and my friends don't get down like that lol) and yes I talk with my friends but my friends are all in categories work friends, car friends, gamer friends, music friends(I play bass), computer friends(hobbiests), workout friends etc etc etc... and all my friends stay in their category.
The only person in my life that would be in all categories would be a romantic partner with certain thing added that I would share with nobody else, that why I only go after women who enjoy 80% of the things I enjoy(the more common interests the more time you can spend together)
But I do agree with you on the kids thing, they are the leading cause of divorce lol the exception being couples that can afford full time nanny's though it's not always the guy who can't adjust, sometimes a guy has to take on a 2nd job when a baby pops up and the wife complains that he want's to sleep all the time when at home.
Your partner should be your main companion and the one you value above all others.
I don't agree with that at all. I have close family relationships, and friends I've known for decades. A guy that I met two months ago doesn't supersede those existing connections, and I don't want to be his be-all, end-all, either. For me, that would be suffocating. You can make a relationship a priority without it taking precedence.
Your partner should be your main companion and the one you value above all others. I like my friends, I've known most of them since highschool, but if it's a choice between hanging with my buddies or hanging with my girl(when I have one) my girl will win every time, there is nothi9ng I do with my friends that I enjoy more than spending time with a lady(me and my friends don't get down like that lol) and yes I talk with my friends but my friends are all in categories work friends, car friends, gamer friends, music friends(I play bass), computer friends(hobbiests), workout friends etc etc etc... and all my friends stay in their category.
The only person in my life that would be in all categories would be a romantic partner with certain thing added that I would share with nobody else, that why I only go after women who enjoy 80% of the things I enjoy(the more common interests the more time you can spend together)
But I do agree with you on the kids thing, they are the leading cause of divorce lol the exception being couples that can afford full time nanny's though it's not always the guy who can't adjust, sometimes a guy has to take on a 2nd job when a baby pops up and the wife complains that he want's to sleep all the time when at home.
Yeah, well, you know how I feel about what you seek in a relationship. I do think, from all of your posts proclaiming your need for the "honeymoon" phase to be ever and eternal, that you seek codependence more than a mature relationship. This isn't a personal attack. It's to say that I am not getting into it with you because I've heard your angle before and don't think the place you're coming from is a healthy one.
I don't agree with that at all. I have close family relationships, and friends I've known for decades. A guy that I met two months ago doesn't supersede those existing connections, and I don't want to be his be-all, end-all, either. For me, that would be suffocating. You can make a relationship a priority without it taking precedence.
It is like that scene in Casino when Joe Pesci turns to Sharon Stone and says, "I've known the guy 35 years and I should whack him for YOU?"
Last edited by Seija; 03-04-2022 at 10:29 AM..
Reason: get your mob movies straight, Seija
I don't agree with that at all. I have close family relationships, and friends I've known for decades. A guy that I met two months ago doesn't supersede those existing connections, and I don't want to be his be-all, end-all, either. For me, that would be suffocating. You can make a relationship a priority without it taking precedence.
Well that's the part of the problem isn't it? Sure its true that some people will trade in in their partners , and always trade up. However its not always true and trust built up over many years is worth a great deal. if a beautiful girl said I have to cease all contact with a family member when I was young; then I would wish her the best of luck, and that was when my junk was one of the most influential advisors in my cabinet, well before my much more influential Treasury secretary , and Secretary of the Interior gained far more prestige.
Dating never makes family.
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Yeah the "vampires", I do find it a bit odd though, but that's them.
