Getting husband to help out more now that he is semi-retired (marrying, partner)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yes, as it is with many things, the person who doesn't care has the "power". The power of indifference is great. Many (most?) men can live in a pig sty, wear the same clothes for a week, and eat pizza every day for a month before they get tired of it...and then just go out for burgers! I'm seriously not sure what the answer is.
Those who deride keeping score - I don't keep score until it becomes so obvious that the balance is off. If it was even 66/33 I'd likely go along but beyond that you can no longer ignore it...and then you become the "nag". I've never understood how nagging is worse than sheer laziness.
I totally agree. You don't have to keep score to know you are losing at the game of "chores."
This discussion has occurred in our house.
The finances are not magically in good shape, all the trips do not spontaneously happen, it is not some crazy coincidence that the food in the fridge became just the right ingredients and the right amounts for meals, it's not some cosmic occurrence that we do not have other stuff scheduled during our trips, Rx just show up in the mail, presents are bought in time for the events.....
We have had the discussion that while everything can be done at the last minute (quick! clean the house, in laws are on their way), there is no reason to intentionally make stuff miserable due to laziness.
I'm lucky that my husband is genuinely helpful, and cares about my happiness (NOT saying the OPs husband doesn't), but it has been an issue. On the other hand, I have had to let go of the level of what bothers me, and learn to carve out "me" time. If dinner happens, it happens, if it doesn't, no one will die. Dust can be a "protective UV coating."
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Yes, as it is with many things, the person who doesn't care has the "power". The power of indifference is great. Many (most?) men can live in a pig sty, wear the same clothes for a week, and eat pizza every day for a month before they get tired of it...and then just go out for burgers! I'm seriously not sure what the answer is.
Those who deride keeping score - I don't keep score until it becomes so obvious that the balance is off. If it was even 66/33 I'd likely go along but beyond that you can no longer ignore it...and then you become the "nag". I've never understood how nagging is worse than sheer laziness.
I totally agree with you about the balance part. I admit that I was very lucky. I probably did a lot more but was never met with resistance if I asked him to do something.
As far as power, I think the person who not only wants the dishes done but wants them done when they want them done is a bit power hungry in that it's not enough for someone to do something, but you call the shots as to when. If Saturday is a day to get a list of things done, then if they're done before Saturday is over, then they are done.
I do think there is a lot of space between being okay with the dishes sitting for a few hours and laundry waiting an extra day or two and wearing the same clothes every day and living in a pig sty. Some people are wired such that it does not strike them as the end of the world if a dirty coffee cup is left on the counter all day.
If the spouse in the OP didn't promise much, then it seems they expect to not have to do much at all and that can turn into a big problem. You can't force someone to get off their duff and do something so the OP will have to decide how to deal with it once he fully retires.
I was married to a man that was great at making messes and never cleaned anything up. He became worse than ever once we both retired. I tried various strategies but in the end nothing really worked. I am sure he is now living in a pig sty. However, it doesn’t hurt to try some of the ideas others have mentioned.
I was married to a man that was great at making messes and never cleaned anything up. He became worse than ever once we both retired. I tried various strategies but in the end nothing really worked. I am sure he is now living in a pig sty. However, it doesn’t hurt to try some of the ideas others have mentioned.
I had to re-read this, to get the punch line. "...was married to..." "I'm sure he's now living in...."
Enjoying your retirement now, Teacher Terry? I hope so. It sounds like you put up with a lot to get there.
This issue is just one of the several reasons why I am not interested in being married or even in a relationship.
After he retires it is very possible that you will still be doing the bulk of the work. In my estimation you will need to sit down with him and hammer out a solid written contract that both of you abide by, so that you too get to have time for your own hobbies and relaxation.
I too have had that "thank you and appreciation" number run on me in the past. It's nice but it's not the solution. You're not a maid and you're not a girl Friday.
I totally agree with you about the balance part. I admit that I was very lucky. I probably did a lot more but was never met with resistance if I asked him to do something.
As far as power, I think the person who not only wants the dishes done but wants them done when they want them done is a bit power hungry in that it's not enough for someone to do something, but you call the shots as to when. If Saturday is a day to get a list of things done, then if they're done before Saturday is over, then they are done.
I do think there is a lot of space between being okay with the dishes sitting for a few hours and laundry waiting an extra day or two and wearing the same clothes every day and living in a pig sty. Some people are wired such that it does not strike them as the end of the world if a dirty coffee cup is left on the counter all day.
If the spouse in the OP didn't promise much, then it seems they expect to not have to do much at all and that can turn into a big problem. You can't force someone to get off their duff and do something so the OP will have to decide how to deal with it once he fully retires.
Well, I get the natural (?) reaction that if you're not happy with your spouse's/so's level of "help" that it's because your standards are crazy high and you're unreasonable. I DON'T think that's often the case. Even I leave a cup out on the counter and some dishes in ths sink overnight...so that's not the issue. There is a very broad spectrum but I don't believe I should be satisfied if the house is a step or two up from a pigsty. That bar is much too low but I'm clearly not (nor are many other reasonable people) at the OCD level others might assume.
I do have to laugh - don't complain if chores are done by the end of the day Saturday rather than earlier in the day? No, mine is a daily battle with someone who is somewhat of a hoarder and doesn't like to throw things away...or even move things out of sight. He leaves them where they lay, for weeks, even if it is in the middle of the room and just walks around them. It is exhausting just keeping things from being piled everywhere and I'd really like to have people over to the house on occasion without being embarrassed...which is why only repair people have been in for years.
I don't believe in keeping score as in: "the dishes are your responsibility" and then refusing to do them because "it's not my chore." That sounds childish. If there is something that needs to be done, you do it. Maybe one does the laundry today and the other does it tomorrow. If someone is out, the other can call and ask the spouse to pick up a few things without being told, "You're in charge of the shopping." Keeping track seems weird to me. After a while, chores tend to fall to one person a lot more often than the other. That's fine but shoudln't mean that the other person won't do them from time to time.
What I did find strange about the OP was that her husband "refused" to put the washer on the delicate setting? And because of that, she had to do her own laundry from that time forward? Because he refused to press a button?
Is the expectation in a situation like this that not only will the husband do more, but he will do it her way?
What if he doesn't care if dishes sit in the sink for three hours before he does them? If the wife can't stand the sight of them and does them, is the husband wrong? What if he doesn't care if the laundry piles up over a couple of days? Or that the recycle bin waits another day before it goes outside?
If he lets the recycle been wait one more day, it could miss the pick-up. So if he procrastinates long enough, she'll end up doing it to make sure it gets done. For some people, procrastinating is a passive-aggressive way of avoiding doing chores.
Letting the dinner dishes sit for 3 hours would mean it would be bed-time, so they probably wouldn't get done. So it sounds like another procrastination tactic. And with dishes, it tends to be an out-of-sight, out-of-mind situation. You leave them in the kitchen sink or on the counter, and walk away to the next activity of the evening, whatever that may be. Very easy to forget about them. They're not in view to "not stand the sight" of them, unless it's a small apartment with the kitchen in the corner of the living/dining room. There's a reason most people do them right after eating.
I don't think the OP is on a control trip, micro-managing her partner's chore-doing, but some might construe it that way. Aren't most mature people open to learning the details of how certain chores need to be done? Including men?
Well, I get the natural (?) reaction that if you're not happy with your spouse's/so's level of "help" that it's because your standards are crazy high and you're unreasonable. I DON'T think that's often the case. Even I leave a cup out on the counter and some dishes in ths sink overnight...so that's not the issue. There is a very broad spectrum but I don't believe I should be satisfied if the house is a step or two up from a pigsty. That bar is much too low but I'm clearly not (nor are many other reasonable people) at the OCD level others might assume.
I do have to laugh - don't complain if chores are done by the end of the day Saturday rather than earlier in the day? No, mine is a daily battle with someone who is somewhat of a hoarder and doesn't like to throw things away...or even move things out of sight. He leaves them where they lay, for weeks, even if it is in the middle of the room and just walks around them. It is exhausting just keeping things from being piled everywhere and I'd really like to have people over to the house on occasion without being embarrassed...which is why only repair people have been in for years.
A few years ago I dealt with that myself, including things also piled up everywhere in the yard outside, unfinished projects for over 18 months... big talk that I finally realized was enough for the person. It was as if just talking about it being done meant it was done in their mind.
It is not too much to ask at this very point to sit down and hammer out a new written or even unwritten agreement wherein he understands that you are not getting the time you need for yourself but he is!
Your husband isn't the only man with a demanding job.
If he lets the recycle been wait one more day, it could miss the pick-up. So if he procrastinates long enough, she'll end up doing it to make sure it gets done. For some people, procrastinating is a passive-aggressive way of avoiding doing chores.
I've recently read this behavior described as "weaponized incompetence."
Yes, as it is with many things, the person who doesn't care has the "power". The power of indifference is great. Many (most?) men can live in a pig sty, wear the same clothes for a week, and eat pizza every day for a month before they get tired of it...and then just go out for burgers! I'm seriously not sure what the answer is.
Those who deride keeping score - I don't keep score until it becomes so obvious that the balance is off. If it was even 66/33 I'd likely go along but beyond that you can no longer ignore it...and then you become the "nag". I've never understood how nagging is worse than sheer laziness.
You're absolutely right about the power of indifference. My late husband couldn't have cared less about making the house and yard look nice, although he liked it if someone else (i.e., me) did so. I figured this out while we were dating when I mowed his overgrown townhouse yard and his neighbors thanked me profusely. It pretty much set the tone for my handling all the household chores during our marriage, even though I worked full-time too and we had a lot of pets (also my chore). He did have ONE task - loading the dishwasher. Ironically, for a messy person, he was OCD about how the dishes were arranged in the dishwasher.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
