Getting husband to help out more now that he is semi-retired
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You're absolutely right about the power of indifference. My late husband couldn't have cared less about making the house and yard look nice, although he liked it if someone else (i.e., me) did so. I figured this out while we were dating when I mowed his overgrown townhouse yard and his neighbors thanked me profusely. It pretty much set the tone for my handling all the household chores during our marriage, even though I worked full-time too and we had a lot of pets (also my chore). He did have ONE task - loading the dishwasher. Ironically, for a messy person, he was OCD about how the dishes were arranged in the dishwasher.
Did you try telling him, that if he didn't want to take care of the yard, he should pay someone to do his share of the chores? If the budget was tight, that should have motivated him to do it. But I suppose he just felt yard maintenance was an unnecessary task altogether.
If he lets the recycle been wait one more day, it could miss the pick-up. So if he procrastinates long enough, she'll end up doing it to make sure it gets done. For some people, procrastinating is a passive-aggressive way of avoiding doing chores.
Letting the dinner dishes sit for 3 hours would mean it would be bed-time, so they probably wouldn't get done. So it sounds like another procrastination tactic. And with dishes, it tends to be an out-of-sight, out-of-mind situation. You leave them in the kitchen sink or on the counter, and walk away to the next activity of the evening, whatever that may be. Very easy to forget about them. They're not in view to "not stand the sight" of them, unless it's a small apartment with the kitchen in the corner of the living/dining room. There's a reason most people do them right after eating.
I don't think the OP is on a control trip, micro-managing her partner's chore-doing, but some might construe it that way. Aren't most mature people open to learning the details of how certain chores need to be done? Including men?
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Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
I've recently read this behavior described as "weaponized incompetence."
Perhaps I am in just a bad mood today, but I absolutely DESPISE that kind of behavior. It is manipulative and passive-aggressive, and I think the term "weaponized incompetence" is perfect for it. He is an adult. He needs to act like one, not a helpless child.
If he lets the recycle been wait one more day, it could miss the pick-up. So if he procrastinates long enough, she'll end up doing it to make sure it gets done. For some people, procrastinating is a passive-aggressive way of avoiding doing chores.
Letting the dinner dishes sit for 3 hours would mean it would be bed-time, so they probably wouldn't get done. So it sounds like another procrastination tactic. And with dishes, it tends to be an out-of-sight, out-of-mind situation. You leave them in the kitchen sink or on the counter, and walk away to the next activity of the evening, whatever that may be. Very easy to forget about them. They're not in view to "not stand the sight" of them, unless it's a small apartment with the kitchen in the corner of the living/dining room. There's a reason most people do them right after eating.
I don't think the OP is on a control trip, micro-managing her partner's chore-doing, but some might construe it that way. Aren't most mature people open to learning the details of how certain chores need to be done? Including men?
Agree completely. Are we ever gong to have equality, or agreement that acceptable to everyone involved in the situation?
I think you deserve the benefits of "retirement" too, not just him. You earned retirement, too. A household still requires chores though. Life (even in retirement) isn't just leisure time of course. Can't you and he come up with some plan or schedule of which days you will do leisure/fun things together or by yourselves, and other days will be spent in co-management of the house--you might be doing laundry and cleaning up the kitchen mess and he might be in the yard or fixing something? Maybe if you are sharing the drudgery together with the promise that you'll get these things done then go out for dinner or something...
This is one reason marrying a long-time bachelor CAN be a great thing. We got married at 50---his first time. So he was already doing everything to run a house. Not real well, but adequate.
Now in retirement, "chores" just fall naturally without any thought to it. He does the laundry because he's particular about it and it's a tricky computerized machine. But that's only once a week. He does half the dishes and the cast-iron is his sole responsibility. (no dishwasher) He does all the shopping and the in-person transactions; I do the computer bill-paying.
We never do dishes right after eating. I don't think I ever have. Didn't know that "most people" did that. Just put them in the sink to soak. We watch TV during dinner so not gonna stop to do dishes. Who cares.
Neither of us likes yard work, so a condo was perfect for us. We have maids every other week. If there's an in-between "mess", he takes care of it.
Chores WERE a battle when we were both working. I felt very aggrieved at times. So retirement was a big relief! I am grateful to not have these issues anymore.
I feel for you, OP. It's really hard to change patterns in retirement.
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