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Ideas about getting my husband to help out more around the house now that he is semi-retired?
He will be going back to work full time in the fall for a couple of more years, then retiring for good. Since I stopped working about 10 years ago (early retirement), I have taken over almost all the household responsibilities. It made sense since he has (had) a demanding job and I didn’t work and it made me feel less guilty about not working. But eventually I would like this to be more even. I don’t want our retirement to be me doing everything and he just relaxing all day. I thought maybe in semi-retirement, he would naturally pick up a little more of the slack, but this has not happened naturally. So we finally had a little talk yesterday. He was nice but didn’t promise to much accept to do the entirety of some of the jobs he was already supposed to be doing. However, there are dirty dishes still sitting on the counter when I left to do errands today. So I am not sure he is even doing this much.
His current responsibilities include doing the dishes (he does one load a day and I do the other two); doing the laundry (he does his wash and the linens and I do mine — because long ago he refused to wash my cloths on the delicate cycle and ruined them). Also, setting the table, which he winds up doing 80% of the time, but usually after I specifically ask him to do it); he also cleans a toilet occasionally and takes the trash can out to the curb once a week. He also installs updates my iPad and iPhone and computer.
I do (am responsible for):
Food shopping (he helps me unload, but not put away the groceries) and all errands; all the cooking; all the finances (bill paying; taxes; retirement planning; dispute resolution when need be (spent about 20 hours on the phone last month dealing w AT&T fraud); refinancing the mortgage (well, I did this once). I take care of all repairs and major projects (required by our HOA) like getting the roof replaced or the house repainted or the driveway pressure-washed). I take care of 100% of the travel planning and reservations; most of the indoor cleaning; all of the yard work. There are probably other things I am forgetting.
But I am also noticing that I am helping in more and more ridiculous ways. Example: He has been on a very successful diet for almost two years (entirely his idea, but I am happy for him). He has been counting calories, but it’s more like when I dish up dinner, I weigh all his food and tell him how many calories it is so he can put it in his app. Yesterday, he asked where a thick marker pen was. I had no idea, but just started hunting around for it until I realized how silly that was. I don’t know where a marker pen was any more than him, why should I have to look for it. Or when we can’t find something good to watch on Netflix, I do the research to find something good. Even sometimes on vacations — I do 100% of the planning, 75% of the packing and then a few times this year we were so late due to his being slow in the morning that I also packed up the entire car myself (I cook on vacation so bringing lots of kitchen stuff along).
It’s so much that I feel on some days that I never really get a chance to do the things I want to do.
Truthfully, I feel guilty posting this, but I also think he plays on my guilt feelings. He is almost always extraordinarily nice and warm and funny and is always extremely grateful about all the work I am doing. He says thank you multiple times a day, gives me great hugs. But finally I said: “Appreciation is great, but it doesn’t give me my time back.”
Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing as far as chores. I run a household on my own (two adults living here too) so I do all the things you do plus all the things your husband does. And I run a full time business and take care of 3 pets. I am organized so it's not that onerous.
As for the cleaning, get outside help. That's a lifesaver for me. You may also consider not formalizing breakfast or lunch, if that's a time-suck for you. He can pour a bowl of cereal and make a sandwich himself.
Your relationship seems to be working well, so why risk turning it into a parent-child dynamic with you assigning chores?
Maybe you just need to organize your time better. I mean, you don't work, so you have 16-18 hours a day to accomplish whatever you want. I only wish I had that kind of time.
Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing as far as chores. I run a household on my own (two adults living here too) so I do all the things you do plus all the things your husband does. And I run a full time business and take care of 3 pets. I am organized so it's not that onerous.
As for the cleaning, get outside help. That's a lifesaver for me. You may also consider not formalizing breakfast or lunch, if that's a time-suck for you. He can pour a bowl of cereal and make a sandwich himself.
Your relationship seems to be working well, so why risk turning it into a parent-child dynamic with you assigning chores?
Maybe you just need to organize your time better. I mean, you don't work, so you have 16-18 hours a day to accomplish whatever you want. I only wish I had that kind of time.
Sure, I hear you. I suppose it’s the inequality that bugs me. Why does he just get to do what he wants to do all day long while I have to be really efficient to get my multiple jobs done? I guess I am just feeling a little resentful. I don’t want a parent/child relationship, but I don’t want to be a perpetual servant either. I just want more balance.
Sure, I hear you. I suppose it’s the inequality that bugs me. Why does he just get to do what he wants to do all day long while I have to be really efficient to get my multiple jobs done? I guess I am just feeling a little resentful. I don’t want a parent/child relationship, but I don’t want to be a perpetual servant either. I just want more balance.
I would not try to share chores, unless is actually in tandem because it will be a classic diffusion of responsibility. The one who desires it more will be doing the chore.
Why not just tell him that you would like to assign certain tasks, and preferably ones that he does well.?
Lastly, I would not care about the inequality of it trying to balance 60/40 because one person's 60/40 is anther's 40/60.
If its really that after retirement he does nothing then a reasonable person should see your side of things.
Sure, I hear you. I suppose it’s the inequality that bugs me. Why does he just get to do what he wants to do all day long while I have to be really efficient to get my multiple jobs done? I guess I am just feeling a little resentful. I don’t want a parent/child relationship, but I don’t want to be a perpetual servant either. I just want more balance.
I think what you really need is a mental reframing of your situation. A lot of the activities you mentioned only happen a few times a year, but your mind is piling them up as "chores." So I think you're experiencing them as emotional labor rather than real labor.
I don't see servitude or even an unequal or unbalanced relationship here. I see a functional couple going through a passage in their lives that will change again in the fall when he goes back to work, again when he retires, and again as you age and one of you becomes less able.
If your multiple day to day responsibilities are too much, maybe you need to relax your standards about when and how things get done. Consolidate errands. Utilize delivery services. Outsource cleaning and yard work.
Clearly your time is valuable to you. Let your husband's salary pay for you to have more of it. That can be his contribution (in your head).
Jill, I’m writing this advice just as much for myself as I am for you as I’m a bit more “type A” than my wife about some things. Relax and let your husband enjoy his vacation. I say “vacation” because it more than likely won’t last. A lot of people get really antsy after retirement and they just HAVE to move around and fix things, clean things, and complete tasks.
Though I don’t know your husband, I’d bet he’ll be absolutely stir crazy in about a month. You may not be able to keep him still, because you can’t just turn off work ethic. You might have him eating out of the palm of your hand …. but if not, as long as there are no major issues otherwise, don’t rock the boat.
Sure, I hear you. I suppose it’s the inequality that bugs me. Why does he just get to do what he wants to do all day long while I have to be really efficient to get my multiple jobs done? I guess I am just feeling a little resentful. I don’t want a parent/child relationship, but I don’t want to be a perpetual servant either. I just want more balance.
Really though..how often do you replace the roof or have the house painted ?
Jill, I’m writing this advice just as much for myself as I am for you as I’m a bit more “type A” than my wife about some things. Relax and let your husband enjoy his vacation. I say “vacation” because it more than likely won’t last. A lot of people get really antsy after retirement and they just HAVE to move around and fix things, clean things, and complete tasks.
Though I don’t know your husband, I’d bet he’ll be absolutely stir crazy in about a month. You may not be able to keep him still, because you can’t just turn off work ethic. You might have him eating out of the palm of your hand …. but if not, as long as there are no major issues otherwise, don’t rock the boat.
Thanks! He’s not going stir-crazy, he’s actually intensely engaged in a hobby (photography). He spends all day processing photos that he took when we go out on the weekend. I think that’s fantastic. He’s a good wildlife photographer and I enjoy our time together in nature on the weekends. But I have my hobbies too and would love to be able to engage them intensely all-day long, but as things stand now and maybe forever will, I just work them in in my spare 2+ hours scattered throughout the day (I also need to spend a lot of time on self-care, mainly exercise due to a heart condition and a chronic pain condition). Just hoping the me-time gets a little more balanced in retirement.
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…. but if not, as long as there are no major issues otherwise, don’t rock the boat.
