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So my boyfriend and I started dating in September, and we're both grad students at the same school. We each have our own 1 bedroom apartments. During the fall, we started staying at each other's places really often. And it was the sort of thing where we were constantly moving groceries between places every other week, to spend one week at my place, then one week at his, etc. Eventually we just kind of started staying at his place full time in like early February/late January.
I've felt fine about our arrangement for the most part, and it makes even more sense now that we are fostering a dog and I'm the one who wakes up early to walk her. We split the cost of groceries for the most part, though he does tend to get things that I definitely won't be eating, and I do buy my own stuff. I do not help pay his rent or utilities though. Something I do want to mention here is that my boyfriend's parents pay his rent, while I pay my own rent, and we get the same stipend from our school each month. So I guess one reason I haven't felt that bad about not splitting rent is he knows I'm paying my own rent and that I just generally am more financially strained then him.
But today he was looking over his credit card bill and got kind of stressed about it and I realized there were some grocery and restaurant trips that I didn't split evenly with him. I Venmoed him after doing the calculations for what I owed, but then idk I have just been filled with this anxiety that I'm mooching off him. He didn't say anything suggesting he wants me to leave. But if I didn't have my own rent to pay I know I would be insisting to split the rent. IDK with the dog now I really can't just leave, and I definitely can't afford to pay 1 and a half rents. Our leases aren't up until July, which is when we plan to get a place together, but idk if I can continue feeling all this guilt until then.
Thoughts? I know I'm largely doing this to myself, and growing up in a financially insecure family has definitely made me very anxious about money. Am I being a mooch? Should I just move back to my place and give the dog back to the shelter (we haven't adopted, we are just fostering)?
If so, clearly this is a relationship that doesn't seem to have a promising future with both parties resenting each other. It is time to move on.
He doesn't resent me? I don't resent him? We both have tons of friends now and our social lives our great. That post was largely a result of my own anxiety.
Have you two sat down and discussed finances? If not, you need to, and before you officially move in together. If that’s too scary for you, you all shouldn’t move in together. Adult decisions require adult conversations.
Move to your own apartment.
He can move in there. Bring the foster pup.
No skin off his nose. He can tell his parents of his change in residency.
No way in heckiedoodles would I as a parent front my adult son's relationship.
Glad you are aware of some of your shared responsibility.
Sit down and be clear what each of you will contribute. Appreciate each other.
So my boyfriend and I started dating in September, and we're both grad students at the same school. We each have our own 1 bedroom apartments. During the fall, we started staying at each other's places really often. And it was the sort of thing where we were constantly moving groceries between places every other week, to spend one week at my place, then one week at his, etc. Eventually we just kind of started staying at his place full time in like early February/late January.
I've felt fine about our arrangement for the most part, and it makes even more sense now that we are fostering a dog and I'm the one who wakes up early to walk her. We split the cost of groceries for the most part, though he does tend to get things that I definitely won't be eating, and I do buy my own stuff. I do not help pay his rent or utilities though. Something I do want to mention here is that my boyfriend's parents pay his rent, while I pay my own rent, and we get the same stipend from our school each month. So I guess one reason I haven't felt that bad about not splitting rent is he knows I'm paying my own rent and that I just generally am more financially strained then him.
But today he was looking over his credit card bill and got kind of stressed about it and I realized there were some grocery and restaurant trips that I didn't split evenly with him. I Venmoed him after doing the calculations for what I owed, but then idk I have just been filled with this anxiety that I'm mooching off him. He didn't say anything suggesting he wants me to leave. But if I didn't have my own rent to pay I know I would be insisting to split the rent. IDK with the dog now I really can't just leave, and I definitely can't afford to pay 1 and a half rents. Our leases aren't up until July, which is when we plan to get a place together, but idk if I can continue feeling all this guilt until then.
Thoughts? I know I'm largely doing this to myself, and growing up in a financially insecure family has definitely made me very anxious about money. Am I being a mooch? Should I just move back to my place and give the dog back to the shelter (we haven't adopted, we are just fostering)?
Judging from all that you've told us about your boyfriend, I don't think that moving in together is a very good idea for the two of you. It's going to intensify every single issue that you've brought up here and make it that much more difficult to extricate yourselves from a relationship that has every sign of not being one that's meant to be.
When it comes to the dog, with you both being grad students, that's a lot more to have taken onto already very full plates. Once the dog has found a permanent home with others, bowing out of fostering would be a wise thing to do.
Also, why the heck would you even consider splitting the rent with your boyfriend just because you stay over there as often as you do? That's ridiculous to even consider it. Go back to your own place. The two of you need to have some long and detailed conversations about just what moving in together would entail. If you can't have adult conversations, you have no business living together.
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