Marrying someone you don't love. (date, girl, older, call)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
That some people choose poorly is not a logical reason to return to the ‘old ways’ or to marry sans love, lol. If one isn’t responsible enough to pay for their own ‘dream’, then perhaps they shouldn’t be getting married to anyone. Likewise if they are allowing Hollywood to guide their choices, as any marriage would (obviously) be doomed from the get-go.
To the contrary, it’s all about education and the ability to think for one’s self. That said, why would anyone marry someone he/she didn’t love? To what purpose?
The relevant issue is that the honeymoon phase of romantic relationships, while fun and enjoyable while it happening, isn't a real good predictor of the duration of commitment. The most likely time for relationships to crash and burn is that window between 18 months and 2 years and if that has happened to you repeatedly, you might think, I can't find anyone.
When we fallen in love (during the honeymoon phase) there is a dopamine spike, a serotonin crash and a norepinephrine spike. But these hormone levels aren't sustainable and as they revert back toward baseline, in that period from 18 months to 2 years, you stop looking at the person you are dating through a hormone infused cocktail and you start seeing this person's actual strengths and weaknesses as you transition into companionate love (if you are lucky) or more likely you just break up. Remember, during the honeymoon phase, we can ignore all kinds of problems rationalizing (because I love this person) when really it's a dopamine making us feel good (and overlook actual problems), the lack of serotonin making us obsess on the other person and the norepinephrine giving us this extra spring in our step.
But the reason arranged marriages work is that that they skip the honeymoon phase and go straight to companionate love. Companionate love builds over time and it is what drives long term commitment.
But if you read up on arranged marriages, after 5 years, people in arranged marriages tend to be as happy or happier than people in love marriages after 5 years. The divorce rate is 1-4% in arranged marriages vs 50% in love marriages.
I really think for people who struggle at relationships arranged marriages is something they should consider, both Jews, Muslims and East Asian Indians have had success with arranged marriages for centuries. Modern love marriages are more a function of industrialization. 4 to 6 generations back, your ancestors probably had some sort of arranged relationship that married off their kids to join plots to create larger farms. I know at least my great grandparents on my mom's side was an arranged marriage to create a larger farm back in Ireland because my grandmother talked about that was how her parents met and yet she also talked about how happy her parents (my great grandparents) were.
The relevant issue is that the honeymoon phase of romantic relationships, while fun and enjoyable while it happening, isn't a real good predictor of the duration of commitment. The most likely time for relationships to crash and burn is that window between 18 months and 2 years and if that has happened to you repeatedly, you might think, I can't find anyone.
Hence the reason my comment relative to education/emotional maturity (and the ability to think for one’s self), as opposed to basing a long-term commitment on the ‘honeymoon phase’, infatuation or what someone says in CD, for that matter - lol. That said, how does this translate into marrying sans love i.e. it simply means the person thinks they are in love when, in actuality, they have not realistically thought it through or given enough time to test/weather disagreements or potential incompatibilities.
It certainly doesn’t translate to ‘marry someone you don’t love’ or someone you find physically unattractive in order to have a different outcome, heh. At the end of the day, all you’re essentially speaking to is good judgment and emotional intelligence/maturity (or a lack thereof) - not rocket science.
Marrying "for love" is a relatively modern construct.
That's true. In times past men did xyz and women did abc. If either didn't do their jobs there was a fair chance both would starve to death. It was a vital partnership.
In modern times men and women are having a hard time defining that partnership since often neither partner it dependent on the other to that extent.
Marrying "for love" is a relatively modern construct.
It coincided with the ‘right to personal happiness’ starting in the late 18th/early 19th century or so; marriages for economic or social purpose fell out of popularity in favor of the companionate marriage. It was common to express thoughts/romance by way of letters; that said, a few posters appear to (want to) go backward in time.:-)
Quote:
Originally Posted by tomektomek
What about courtly love? Why didn't social media bring that and reduced dating to swipes like a catalog of six workers?
I don’t think you’re taking into account the majority of people who use ‘swipes’ i.e. Tinder are under 25. Obviously, the process for a casual relationship is different than those who seek commitment of some sort or ‘courtly love’ as you call it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato
But the reason arranged marriages work is that that they skip the honeymoon phase and go straight to companionate love. Companionate love builds over time and it is what drives long term commitment.
Companionate marriages are based in re: personal happiness, love and intimacy as opposed to economic, social or cultural reasons. While some arranged marriages may (eventually) become companionate, there is no way to gauge the happiness/success or misery/failure of arranged marriages, as a whole.
For better or worse a roommate and a spouse are not the same legally. For that matter I feel that there is a commitment that comes with marriage. Divorce is relatively easy and accepted but it is still a process and can act as a small activation energy that has to be overcome to dissolve the union.
If for some reason I had to get married again (which would mean my current marriage had ended) I could envision marrying without lust but not without liking and loving the other person.
At various points in this thread I've been unsure whether people are using companionship to mean a friendly person to talk to after work or more physical and intimate companionship. But even if you take it to mean the friendly person to do things with and talk to so the house isn't empty I think there is a difference. Perhaps I'm odd but I associate roommate with a purely financial arrangement and tend to think of roommates as acquaintances not friends. I haven't had one since college but when my wife had a roommate as a young professional working person they more or less ignored each other.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
