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I have been dating a guy for 3 months. We met in person about a year ago and ran into each other a few times. He saw me online on POF and messaged me. I was interested in him to start with so I messaged back and we began seeing each other. He is a great guy, caring and kind, and I can tell he likes me A LOT. We want the same things in life but--
I am not really all that attracted to him. I try really hard to talk myself into just focusing on the great things about him but the lack of attraction really is getting to me. He's an inch shorter than me which does bug me. When we hug it just doesn't feel right. And I could get over the height thing if he was attractive in other areas, like in bed but honestly, the sex is not great. I don't really get much out of it, he seems to lack any skills at it, I think he's fairly inexperienced and it shows.
I hesitate to break things off because I know I would really hurt him.
You have a good heart to consider that you might hurt him. However, consider that it would probably hurt him more to know you're not attracted to him and think he's bad in bed but are just staying with him to avoid loneliness.
I would think it hard to hide a lack of attraction to a partner after a time. There may come a day when you push him away, physically, because you are repelled by him and don't want to suffer through more boring sex. Besides, he'll pick up on it sooner or later unless you are a REALLY good actress.
But also consider this: Why are you selling yourself short? You say you are not a "catch." While I tend to doubt that because kind hearts tend to be radiant, even if you weren't, does that mean you should suffer through hugs that don't feel right and sex that leaves you feeling blah? After a time, that may all start to have you really focusing on how good it would be to have hugs that feel right and sex that thrills you. Sometimes it's better not to have any at all than to have a blah or bad version of it by which to compare and become aware of what you're missing, if that makes sense. You both deserve better than "better than nothing."
Truly, I think the kinder thing you could do for the both of you is to let this man down gently. If he wants your reason, you can just say that you do not feel like you two are a match.
I'm worried that this is my only chance at not being single for the rest of my life. I'm worried that I'm being selfish and picky. I keep hearing the same words "Beggars can't be choosers" and I wonder if that applies to me. I keep weighing the pros and cons and when I look at them I see the level of shallowness in them.
Pros
---
We want the same things.
We have the same values.
He is kind and considerate
He likes me a lot.
He understands the relationship I have with my kids is important.
He is willing to be a stepdad.
He owns his own house.
Cons
---
I am not attracted to him.
He is shorter than me.
Our conversation does not flow freely and I feel sometimes that I have to always lead the conversation.
He keeps talking about our future together and it's freaking me out.
He is undergoing mental health issues.
He is looking at a new career path I'm not sure he'll be good at.
I do not like the sex very much with him.
He is a follower and I want a man who leads more.
No attraction and mental health issues? I think I said this upthread, but do you want to commit to someone knowing these things? Just because you have the same values doesn’t mean he’s the right person.
And “he likes me a lot.” I know it’s only 3 months in, but where’s love play into it?
No attraction and mental health issues? I think I said this upthread, but do you want to commit to someone knowing these things? Just because you have the same values doesn’t mean he’s the right person.
And “he likes me a lot.” I know it’s only 3 months in, but where’s love play into it?
Until he had his mental health breakdown, I liked him a lot more but it's made me fell differently. I also think his lack of experience in a relationship is what's pulling this all down. I feel that I need to maybe be more patient with him, that he needs to learn how to be in a relationship. That I should give him a decent chance.
I am also not good at breaking up with someone. I know I am coming up with excuse after excuse.
Until he had his mental health breakdown, I liked him a lot more but it's made me fell differently. I also think his lack of experience in a relationship is what's pulling this all down. I feel that I need to maybe be more patient with him, that he needs to learn how to be in a relationship. That I should give him a decent chance.
I am also not good at breaking up with someone. I know I am coming up with excuse after excuse.
I can empathize. I had to break up with my ex boyfriend. I went through similar feelings - would I find anyone else? He had good qualities. But I realized I wasn’t happy. I had doubts even months before I ended it (we were together over 2 years total). I realized I shouldn’t settle for fear of what ifs. I had to do what’s best for me.
This is ultimately up to you of course, but listen to your gut. What is it telling you?
My ex had mental health concerns. If it’s a short term issue (adjustment disorder - basically related to a specific situation), that’s one thing. If it’s chronic, like my ex - if you make a commitment, you will have to realize that it doesn’t go away (even if it’s managed). Are you willing to live with that?
Best wishes in making the right decision, whatever that is for you. I know it’s hard.
I have been dating a guy for 3 months. We met in person about a year ago and ran into each other a few times. He saw me online on POF and messaged me. I was interested in him to start with so I messaged back and we began seeing each other. He is a great guy, caring and kind, and I can tell he likes me A LOT. We want the same things in life but--
I am not really all that attracted to him. I try really hard to talk myself into just focusing on the great things about him but the lack of attraction really is getting to me. He's an inch shorter than me which does bug me. When we hug it just doesn't feel right. And I could get over the height thing if he was attractive in other areas, like in bed but honestly, the sex is not great. I don't really get much out of it, he seems to lack any skills at it, I think he's fairly inexperienced and it shows.
I hesitate to break things off because I know I would really hurt him. He likes me so much and I am the first girlfriend he's had in 10 years. He had one girlfriend back when he was 31 (he's 41 now) and it was only for 11 months. He showers me with compliments, he is really loving and supportive, keeps talking about our future, and it makes me feel bad because I don't feel the same way. Especially because my ex treated me so badly and was constantly verbally abusive. It's great having someone who cares about my feelings and treats me kindly. But he said "I love you" to me and I said it back because I didn't know what else to say. And the talk of things like marriage and moving in together kind of freaks me out. I was almost ready to break up with him and then he lost his job (the company he worked for suddenly went bankrupt) and he got so depressed he went to the emergency room. Now I'm scared that if I break up with him that he'll hurt himself or worse. He keeps saying to me that if it weren't for me, he wouldn't know how he'd cope with it all
What makes this even harder is that of the many guys I've dated these last 5 years since I split from my 9-year relationship in which I had 3 kids, there have only been two guys who really seemed to like me and neither them were ones I really liked. There have been a several guys I really really liked who for whatever reason didn't like me back and I know it was probably because I am not really all that attractive. I know I'm not much of a catch which is why I want to give this current relationship a decent shot. If I can get over my lack of attraction to him, I know I could have a companion for life and wouldn't have to be lonely. I look at people like my mom and aunt, both longtime single in their 60s and know how much it makes them sad to be single and living their golden years alone. I don't want that to be me. So I just don't know. I feel like I have two choices:. Stay with this guy and hopefully learn to love him and choose to be happy and not alone, or probably stay single the rest of my life.
1) You have low self esteem and it shows through your writings.
2) You avoid confrontations, even if necessary
3) You are misleading and most likely codependent.
All of these things can be dealt with and corrected with therapy. You feel at your age that you aren't attractive and not such a good catch, etc...etc. and you may live your life alone if you don't string along this short person that isn't satisfying you in bed?
Everything about your thinking is wrong. I know you don't understand it or think it's true, but you really need therapy to bring your self esteem up to par, and learn how to be happy within yourself, with or without a partner.
Right now you are stringing this guy along, giving him false hopes and i'm quite sure he would be devastated if you break up, but he deserves a girlfriend that loves him for HIM and not his height, or is performance in bed.
What you are doing isn't fair to him or yourself. I urge you to seek counseling. Show the therapist this post and see what they say. You have a lot of insecurities and you prolong your own happiness by your behavior.
Cut him loose. He deserves much better than to be strung along by someone who doesn't find him 'attractive'.
He may end up being one of those unfortunate guys who will grow old alone and die alone, since he seems to have very little chance of being with a 'forever' partner due to his current situation and his history.
Sad. I feel sad for him. Goes to show that some people - through no fault of their own - are unworthy of love.
You're two desparate people looking for love who met up 3 months ago and are, from your posts, totally unsuited to each other. I have a sinking feeling that rather than facing him and telling him how you feel you'll stay and rationalize it with the old "beggars can't be choosers" line.
Fast forward a year from now....he'll still be shorter than you, still be unattractive, still be bad in bed, still have his mental issues, potentially be in a job he's no good at, still be a follower and you'll be stuck, still afraid to break it off and wishing you were alone.
Put your big girl panties on and just do it. Have a conversation with him (somewhere public) and gently tell him you've been thinking about everything and come to the conclusion that you have to break it off with him as you feel there are areas of incompatibility. Keep it short and don't get drawn into any begging and pleading from him.
As for being alone for the rest of your life pffft! Nonsense. You will meet someone who is better suited to you, probably when you lease expect it. Best of luck!
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