Do people actually enjoy sex outside of a committed relationship? (single, attracted)
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I’ve not heard any man say this in real life, but I’ve seen some men say this online - that they really are not concerned about the woman’s pleasure as long as he gets his satisfaction.
I'm sure some men don't care, just like some women don't. I don't think being bad in bed is central to masculinity, though, whatever qualifier you attach to masculinity.
Well I will say this much on this...the person you marry had better be someone who has "tromped" you at some point. If you've been tromped by a previous lover but not your spouse the sexual dynamic in your marriage is going to be all sorts of dysfunctional and that will bleed over in to other aspects of your relationship.
I really wish you'd explain this.
For the record, my husband is NOT the man who tromped me. The man who tromped me, is the one and only man who ever did. That sex was amazing, and I don't expect I'll ever experience THAT again.
That doesn't mean my husband is a bad lover, and I enjoy sex with my husband very much. Not sure why you think my marriage is dysfunctional.
There's good reason I'm not with that other guy, and there's good reason I chose my husband, and he chose me.
What puzzles me about this is that I don't know any men who want to be bad lovers. I'm sure some can't help themselves, but to consciously suck (yep) at something most men see as basic to their self definition makes no sense.
Now men being too performance oriented, too calculating and formulaic in their approach, I can see. Those guys care too much about her pleasure, and likely for reasons that are ultimately selfish. That will likely diminish the experience for both parties, but the solution is different, and on a personal level getting a man to relax is easier to do than getting him to care.
It is not to consciously suck as to be so intent on his own needs as to just want to "get laid" and be done with it. Someone on another thread mentioned "any hole is the goal." That is the kind of guy to avoid at all costs.
Regarding your second paragraph, men being performance oriented is toxic--and it's still about them, not their partner. They're just objectifying women another way that is yes, ultimately selfish. "I made her scream." Well, great, but who is going to know that but him unless he goes around bragging about it to other men? Which would make him the most disgusting of the lot, in my opinion. Don't misunderstand: Of course it feels nice to know you pleased someone. But women are not mountains to be conquered, either.
Besides, it neglects her own role in her sexual enjoyment. Women are not robots where you push a button (even that one, ha ha!) and away we go. We do have to be present and participate. That is why I do not understand the notion of "giving it up." What, are you not also taking and enjoying, too? Are you not aware of your own needs and what you like? Are you just laying there letting sex be done TO you instead of the two of you sharing it WITH one another? Some of the terms I have read here disturb me--sex being "invasive," men "using" women as "masturbatory aids." It bothers me. Where do these women find men like this? (Okay, I know, but I have been accused of American-bashing in the past, so...But yeah, American men do not have a reputation for being great lovers in other parts of the world. Strictly middle of the pack.) And how well do these women know their own bodies and what they want? Hey, this is a somewhat repressive society. There are a lot of women out there who will not even explore their own bodies, or will deny it if asked, like it's shameful.
I didn't want to get into that in my last post, but another thing that makes me sad about the comments in this thread and others is that is seems that few women here take charge of their bodies and sexuality. People are not mind-readers, and while a skilled lover knows how to pay attention to their partner's reactions, hey, if he's not doing it right, show him what you want. Move his hand, change position, whatever. If there is one thing my own experience has shown me, a good partner doesn't take a little direction personally, and in fact enjoys learning. But again, it comes down to men seeing women as equals--as people and individuals--and avoiding an approach that you describe very well as "formulaic."
There is a happy middle between a man who just wants to get off and a Don Juan. That's the guy to look for, a man who genuinely likes and respects women as people and therefore wants everyone to be happy--because that's just what people who like people want.
For the record, my husband is NOT the man who tromped me. The man who tromped me, is the one and only man who ever did. That sex was amazing, and I don't expect I'll ever experience THAT again.
That doesn't mean my husband is a bad lover, and I enjoy sex with my husband very much. Not sure why you think my marriage is dysfunctional.
There's good reason I'm not with that other guy, and there's good reason I chose my husband, and he chose me.
Well I will say this much on this...the person you marry had better be someone who has "tromped" you at some point. If you've been tromped by a previous lover but not your spouse the sexual dynamic in your marriage is going to be all sorts of dysfunctional and that will bleed over in to other aspects of your relationship.
I tend to agree. At this point in life, I would never consider committing myself to a man who didn't make my eyes cross at some point. I think being tromped is somewhat tied to how much sexual attraction you have to your partner, and for me, I learned that such attraction is absolutely vital and required for any kind of committed relationship, never mind marriage. Let me emphasize that this is for me.
That said, there is always room to be tromped within a marriage, even if the person didn't tromp you before you married. Just because it hasn't happened yet, that doesn't mean it can't. My ex-husband was a great guy and hot, in my opinion, but it was a bit frustrating because he was little inhibited and shy, so no tromping until one night, about six months after we married, I thought, "Damn, I didn't know he had it in him." In fact, now that I think of it, he was one of the people who needed the security of marriage to really "let go."
I’ve not heard any man say this in real life, but I’ve seen some men say this online - that they really are not concerned about the woman’s pleasure as long as he gets his satisfaction.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxic Waltz
That sounds to me like a guy coping with his perception that he'll never be any good no matter what he does.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
Also: Too Much Porn.
It sounds to me like an incel who has never even had sex in the first place blasting out some false bravado.
I tend to agree. At this point in life, I would never consider committing myself to a man who didn't make my eyes cross at some point. I think being tromped is somewhat tied to how much sexual attraction you have to your partner, and for me, I learned that such attraction is absolutely vital and required for any kind of committed relationship, never mind marriage. Let me emphasize that this is for me.
That said, there is always room to be tromped within a marriage, even if the person didn't tromp you before you married. Just because it hasn't happened yet, that doesn't mean it can't. My ex-husband was a great guy and hot, in my opinion, but it was a bit frustrating because he was little inhibited and shy, so no tromping until one night, about six months after we married, I thought, "Damn, I didn't know he had it in him." In fact, now that I think of it, he was one of the people who needed the security of marriage to really "let go."
If I were suddenly single and looking to hook up, I'd feel the same way.
I'm not sure if y'all are implying I'm somehow NOT attracted to my husband? Or that I wasn't attracted to other men I've been with, including my first husband? Just because we didn't go at it for 6 hours? Just because I don't ALWAYS need to take advil the next day because I'm so sore? That makes me, my husband or our marriage dysfunctional? Hmm. Who knew?
If I were suddenly single and looking to hook up, I'd feel the same way.
I'm not sure if y'all are implying I'm somehow NOT attracted to my husband? Or that I wasn't attracted to other men I've been with, including my first husband? Just because we didn't go at it for 6 hours? Just because I don't ALWAYS need to take advil the next day because I'm so sore? That makes me, my husband or our marriage dysfunctional? Hmm. Who knew?
Well, apparently Toxic knows.
Finally, someone gets it!
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