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I am so torn and hoping to get some clarity through discussion.
Is sex outside of a committed relationship actually enjoyable?
There are people who do it and claim to enjoy it. Sex positivity is a movement.
But isn't it basically using another person as a masturbation device, when there is no deeper connection? When you don't actually even really like or respect the person very much? (At least not enough to actually want to be with them beyond casual sex.)
Wouldn't sex be most enjoyable when you are doing it with someone you love and respect and are in an exclusive relationship with? Because in that situation it's more a melding of souls (not to sound corny), its emotional, and there would be no niggly mixed feelings about either using someone or being used.
I ask this question as a sex positive person, myself, and as a person willing to engage in casual sex in between relationships. But with a preference for exclusive relationships if possible (though finding a compatible person for a LT relationship isn't always easy).
Do you think its a good idea or bad idea to engage in sex outside of relationship, if one is single and wanting some sex?
Is it healthy? (Assuming one is being safe about it. Talking more about emotional health.)
Do people actually like it or do they lie to themselves that they like it?
Are there people who may enjoy uncommitted sex actually more than sex with a committed partner?
Or is everyone different about their feelings and experiences on it?
I am so torn and hoping to get some clarity through discussion.
Is sex outside of a committed relationship actually enjoyable?
There are people who do it and claim to enjoy it. Sex positivity is a movement.
But isn't it basically using another person as a masturbation device, when there is no deeper connection? When you don't actually even really like or respect the person very much? (At least not enough to actually want to be with them beyond casual sex.)
Wouldn't sex be most enjoyable when you are doing it with someone you love and respect and are in an exclusive relationship with? Because in that situation it's more a melding of souls (not to sound corny), its emotional, and there would be no niggly mixed feelings about either using someone or being used.
I ask this question as a sex positive person, myself, and as a person willing to engage in casual sex in between relationships. But with a preference for exclusive relationships if possible (though finding a compatible person for a LT relationship isn't always easy).
Do you think its a good idea or bad idea to engage in sex outside of relationship, if one is single and wanting some sex?
Is it healthy? (Assuming one is being safe about it. Talking more about emotional health.)
Do people actually like it or do they lie to themselves that they like it?
Are there people who may enjoy uncommitted sex actually more than sex with a committed partner?
Or is everyone different about their feelings and experiences on it?
I am interested in your views on it.
Please keep things G rated as per the TOS.
Yes.
With that said, I couldn't care any less what anyone else does - not about morality - but I cannot be with anyone who doesn't feel the same as I do about it.
I think I see your problem. Who says you have to be in a committed relationship to build an intimate connection with someone?
Good question.
Deeper feelings can arise from a connection that begins as more a superficial physical thing. You have a point there. But this is being theoretical.
I wonder how often that actually happens though. And how often it leads to a good relationship.
Vs. when two people build the emotional intimacy before the physical comes into play.
I think ideas of respect come into play. Some people have a hard time really respecting someone that "gave it up" easily. Even if they end up committing, will that thing always be at the back of their mind, that we started this relationship behaving like cats in heat in some alley?
Can it ever rise above that and become a respectable relationship?
I don't know the answer. These are the things I am just wondering.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Euskalherria
Yes.
With that said, I couldn't care any less what anyone else does - not about morality - but I cannot be with anyone who doesn't feel the same as I do about it.
Fortunately, my partner feels the same as I do.
I am happy for you that you found a relationship you are happy in. Enjoy, you deserve it!
Deeper feelings can arise from a connection that begins as more a superficial physical thing. You have a point there. But this is being theoretical.
I wonder how often that actually happens though. And how often it leads to a good relationship.
Vs. when two people build the emotional intimacy before the physical comes into play.
I think ideas of respect come into play. Some people have a hard time really respecting someone that "gave it up" easily. Even if they end up committing, will that thing always be at the back of their mind, that we started this relationship behaving like cats in heat in some alley?
Can it ever rise above that and become a respectable relationship?
I don't know the answer. These are the things I am just wondering.
I am happy for you that you found a relationship you are happy in. Enjoy, you deserve it!
Of course people enjoy it, or they wouldn't do it.
There have been times when casual sex has been better for me than sex with a committed partner. Some people are just better at it--they know how to read their partner's reactions, they know their way around a woman's body, etc.
There is also a certain liberation to it. Look at all the threads on here by insecure men who want to know where a woman learned how to do this or how to do that--like it's any of their business in the first place. With casual sex, you don't get such juvenile questions and sexist baggage. You can be as wild as you want and it doesn't matter what the guy thinks afterwards because you're not emotionally invested in his opinion of you. You can just enjoy the experience.
That is here in the USA. Believe me when I tell you that sex is not such a loaded topic in other parts of the world. People have sex long before they "commit," either casually or in the first few times they see one another and are not yet an "official" couple. Women are not shamed for having sex, and judgments like "loose" and so on are laughable to both men and women as childish and repressive. Do not misunderstand: People don't go around having sex with everyone in sight. But there isn't this toxic, puritanical judgment over it. Every time I see someone on this forum "clutch pearls" over it, I think to myself, "Yeah, that person BADLY needs to get ridden hard." It's so obvious to me they are jealous of other people's freedom and disinhibition. People who are secure and happy in their own choices don't judge those who live differently.
Of course people enjoy it, or they wouldn't do it.
There have been times when casual sex has been better for me than sex with a committed partner. Some people are just better at it--they know how to read their partner's reactions, they know their way around a woman's body, etc.
There is also a certain liberation to it. Look at all the threads on here by insecure men who want to know where a woman learned how to do this or how to do that--like it's any of their business in the first place. With casual sex, you don't get such juvenile questions and sexist baggage. You can be as wild as you want and it doesn't matter what the guy thinks afterwards because you're not emotionally invested in his opinion of you. You can just enjoy the experience.
That is here in the USA. Believe me when I tell you that sex is not such a loaded topic in other parts of the world. People have sex long before they "commit," either casually or in the first few times they see one another and are not yet an "official" couple. Women are not shamed for having sex, and judgments like "loose" and so on are laughable to both men and women as childish and repressive. Do not misunderstand: People don't go around having sex with everyone in sight. But there isn't this toxic, puritanical judgment over it. Every time I see someone on this forum "clutch pearls" over it, I think to myself, "Yeah, that person BADLY needs to get ridden hard." It's so obvious to me they are jealous of other people's freedom and disinhibition. People who are secure and happy in their own choices don't judge those who live differently.
I agree, I think a lot is cultural!
I have traveled in Europe and admit I was scandalized about how open sexuality is there. Its much more in your face. I also lived in a major city in Canada for four years, and same thing there.
I am talking things that you see just walking through parts of London, Paris, Amsterdam. I recall being at a cafe in some small town in Holland and there being penis sculptures everywhere.
It was just shocking to see. But I think that right there was just a glimpse into how different cultures approach the subject.
As an American it shocked me but only because I am not used to it. Its hidden underground here like it's a dark shameful thing. Though we are as sexual as anyone, there are apparently more hangups over it.
I wish it weren't so loaded.
I think it can be the equivalent of a fun social activity. We don't marry everyone we enjoy. Sometimes people are only meant to pass through our lives for a limited time. And that doesn't have to be a tragedy or something to be ashamed of.
Why is it one or the other? What do you call "committed"? Married? Engaged? Exclusive? Can't sex be enjoyable with a person you "only" like and respect? Someone you feel affection for but maybe don't "love"....yet? Are you saying you wanna start waiting until....when? to have sex?
Too many extremes...even in 1850 a good number of engaged couples went ahead and had sex...certainly many, many exclusive couples have sex now and mostly enjoy it! I'm not into ONS but the older I've gotten the less time I've tended to wait.
Mainly because if I like someone then, why not? Because I might be making a mistake? I've learned that "mistakes" can be undone and two adults can change their minds and it's not the end of the world. A few hormones doesn't mean I'm chained to anyone...maybe because I don't believe in the whole "melding" thing. Sex feels good...usually. If the guy doesn't care enough to try to make it feel good then he doesn't respect ME so that's the end of it.
Is it that you don't respect or like someone until you actually LOVE them? I've never used anyone because I genuinely have liked every guy I've had sex with - so I don't feel it was at all masturbatory. I can't even picture such a thing. Do you even like sex? I'm not sure you do. It feels like it must be very contrived for you - you somehow think you SHOULD be having sex and then you do and you are obligatorily excited about it but you don't really care about them so then you're let down? I can only speculate.
I am so torn and hoping to get some clarity through discussion.
Is sex outside of a committed relationship actually enjoyable?
There are people who do it and claim to enjoy it. Sex positivity is a movement.
But isn't it basically using another person as a masturbation device, when there is no deeper connection? When you don't actually even really like or respect the person very much? (At least not enough to actually want to be with them beyond casual sex.)
Wouldn't sex be most enjoyable when you are doing it with someone you love and respect and are in an exclusive relationship with? Because in that situation it's more a melding of souls (not to sound corny), its emotional, and there would be no niggly mixed feelings about either using someone or being used.
I ask this question as a sex positive person, myself, and as a person willing to engage in casual sex in between relationships. But with a preference for exclusive relationships if possible (though finding a compatible person for a LT relationship isn't always easy).
Do you think its a good idea or bad idea to engage in sex outside of relationship, if one is single and wanting some sex?
Is it healthy? (Assuming one is being safe about it. Talking more about emotional health.)
Do people actually like it or do they lie to themselves that they like it?
Are there people who may enjoy uncommitted sex actually more than sex with a committed partner?
Or is everyone different about their feelings and experiences on it?
I am interested in your views on it.
Please keep things G rated as per the TOS.
Trust me, nine times out of 10 if you’re being intimate with someone on a regular basis, feelings are going to creep in. Why? Because it’s just how us humans are wired. If you keep a pet monkey around long enough you’ll become attached to it. Very few people can go more than a few months having regular sexual relations without some type of sentimental, loving type feelings creeping in. I would actually question someone’s character who didn’t develop feelings after a long period of time being sexual with someone.
Even men who see the same prostitute long enough and often enough, they’ll still somewhat develop feelings.
And yes, overall I think sex is better when it’s in a committed relationship. Overall as in sometimes freak one time or off encounters produce highly sexual compatibility.
Why is it one or the other? What do you call "committed"? Married? Engaged? Exclusive? Can't sex be enjoyable with a person you "only" like and respect? Someone you feel affection for but maybe don't "love"....yet? Are you saying you wanna start waiting until....when? to have sex?
Too many extremes...even in 1850 a good number of engaged couples went ahead and had sex...certainly many, many exclusive couples have sex now and mostly enjoy it! I'm not into ONS but the older I've gotten the less time I've tended to wait.
Mainly because if I like someone then, why not? Because I might be making a mistake? I've learned that "mistakes" can be undone and two adults can change their minds and it's not the end of the world. A few hormones doesn't mean I'm chained to anyone...maybe because I don't believe in the whole "melding" thing. Sex feels good...usually. If the guy doesn't care enough to try to make it feel good then he doesn't respect ME so that's the end of it.
Is it that you don't respect or like someone until you actually LOVE them? I've never used anyone because I genuinely have liked every guy I've had sex with - so I don't feel it was at all masturbatory. I can't even picture such a thing. Do you even like sex? I'm not sure you do. It feels like it must be very contrived for you - you somehow think you SHOULD be having sex and then you do and you are obligatorily excited about it but you don't really care about them so then you're let down? I can only speculate.
Thank you for your answer! I really enjoyed reading it!
Sometimes I have wondered if there is something off with my sexual response. I do enjoy it. Sometimes craved it so extremely I wondered if I could be considered a nympho.
But sometimes I wonder if its a compulsion to seek it.
I just wonder if relationship results would be better if I showed some self control. Like, date a guy and feel the obvious sexual tension with him for awhile before bedding down. What would that be like?
Would he respect me more?
Whether or not he does or doesn't probably says more about him though. I probably don't want to be with a sex negative mysoginist who pressures women into sex just to devalue them after. Gross.
I am just so confused and trying to sort my thoughts.
I mean I usually just have sex if I want to and someone I am attracted to is available.
It doesn't have to be more complex than that, right?
As long as he treats me well and its mutually enjoyable and safe, that's all that should matter?
Maybe I just started overthinking what should just be a natural and normal human bodily function.
Too many cultural/social hangups and judgements around something that... people just do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCSweettea
Trust me, nine times out of 10 if you’re being intimate with someone on a regular basis, feelings are going to creep in. Why? Because it’s just how us humans are wired. If you keep a pet monkey around long enough you’ll become attached to it. Very few people can go more than a few months having regular sexual relations without some type of sentimental, loving type feelings creeping in. I would actually question someone’s character who didn’t develop feelings after a long period of time being sexual with someone.
Even men who see the same prostitute long enough and often enough, they’ll still somewhat develop feelings.
And yes, overall I think sex is better when it’s in a committed relationship. Overall as in sometimes freak one time or off encounters produce highly sexual compatibility.
I see your point.
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