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chessimprov, toxic was my interpretation of things that he said about people he has been with. Understand that some people can handle things that others can't.
I'm a little prone to anxiety, so part of this whole topic is me fixating on the space between meetings and conversations. I do this with regular friends too, always fearing that no one can stand having me around but haven't told me that. I'm always working to try to get better at that though. Since starting this post we have continued to meet up once or twice a week but pretty much hold the status quo. I'm mostly fine with that right now.
For a little contrast there is another guy who I initially met on Facebook (we have numerous mutual friends), who has become a very frequent texter with me. Over a few years we have occasionally talked about meeting up but nothing ever came of it. A couple months ago I needed something to do on a Saturday night and we planned to go out. At the last minute he decided he didn't feel up to it. Soon afterward he moved to a different state but in our chats and occasional phone calls I could tell (and he has said many times now) that he was really falling for me. I'm having a hard time feeling the same way having never met, and really not being sure when that may even happen. I'm also not sure if we are that compatible based on his desire to at a whim change up his location and career where I tend to like consistency and long-term plans. We also have very different active hours, with him usually wanting to start up long conversation at 9-10pm (11pm his time) when I'm about ready for bed, but again this is all being judged without having met.
Okay so a month later and I am still a little confused. I absolutely enjoy the time that we spend together, even if it is still only an average of once or twice a week with our busy work schedules, but I can't tell if this is moving anywhere.
Two weeks ago we met up at a restaurant and the hugs before and after were much longer and closer than usual. Then we were going to meet up on that Friday of that week. Due to a miscommunication he though I was unavailable and met up with friends for dinner and late night drinks instead and was already an hour away before he realized I was actually available. But I got messages from him like "I wish I was there" and "I miss you" throughout the night. This was new, but I also imagine he had been drinking quite a bit.
We ended up rescheduling for dinner 2 days later. He actually acknowledged that he wasn't much of a texter and would rather call or see people in person. At the end of the night we had the same long close hug and he went in for a little kiss on my neck. We shared a look and a moment that could have lead to a kiss, but instead we both stepped away, wished each other goodnight and headed home. When I got back I considered texting him about that moment but he beat me to it. He asked what I was looking for, whether it was just friends because he felt it was something more in that moment. I responded that I had grown to like him quite a bit for some time (honestly I thought I was more obvious than that), but I had been unsure of what he wanted. He responded that he thought I was cute, had thought I might have felt that was but didn't want to push too much since I was just out of another relationship. I responded that I can tend to be a little timid, but he's welcome to push more.
Over a week went by because I was working an 80 hour week to finish up a work deadline, then mothers day and such. We were finally able to catch up again earlier this week. He came over to my house and we drove together to lunch and we talked about going for a walk somewhere to enjoy the beautiful weather after. We had the same usual engaging mealtime conversation. After lunch he said that he enjoyed meeting up today like he was ready to head back to which I replied I thought we were going for a walk. And despite an excuse about gas prices was able to get him to the beach for a couple more hours of walking and conversation.
Both in the car and out on the walk I really wanted to hold his hand or connect on a physical level or something, but instead I kept nervously unscrewing and screwing the cap on my water bottle. He similarly made some half attempts to put his arm on my shoulder, tap or hold my arm while pointing something out like it was meant to be something more but never quite got there. I was hoping that day might move things forward another step, but it almost felt like a step back.
After we parted ways I sent him a text saying I had enjoyed the day but that he didn't have to worry about talking so much, that I like hearing about his life (he had apologized about that before parting). He also said that he liked hearing about me and hearing me talk. Then he messaged that he was going to relax for a bit and talk later, which is code for "I'm done talking for the day." I slipped in one more message about having wanted to connect more with him physically (touch etc like I wrote above) during our day, but that I had held back. Not totally surprisingly he responded with a winking emoji 24 hours later.
We are supposed to spend more time together this weekend. I really want to ask what he sees this as and where does he want this to head. We've established he has interest, but maybe it's not very interested? Or is it just that one or both of us is still holding everything back? After probably 30 hours spent together over 4 months I'm still really not sure where this is headed.
okay, these posts are too much to read. So I just read the last one.
In my opinion he is 100% interested but just very shy. Give him a chance to kiss you or kiss him first. Maybe he is waiting for a sign just like you. It is time to make a move.
Yeah, sorry oh-eve. I haven't quite mastered the art of the succinct post yet. But I think my very last post is a pretty good summary of where we currently are at.
Okay I'm going to try to keep this one more brief:
Yesterday was rather upsetting, but I'm going to try to keep moving forward anyway.
Last time we met last week it ended with him making plans for this Sunday (yesterday) and that he would come up with something for us to do so it wasn't last minute plans again.
He seemed to be pretty preoccupied or busy the rest of the week because we only exchanged a couple messages each day. I knew Saturday was going to be a really busy day for him with a school field trip that he was in charge of, but when I still hadn't heard anything Saturday night, I reached out to ask if he was still up to getting together and what time.
His response was a typical one, that he would call me tomorrow. It's one I find a little frustrating because I'm not sure if I'm supposed to sit by the phone all day for a call that could happen at any time. I figured he was most likely to call after church though. When that didn't happen by 1:00 I sent a message to let him know that I need to drop my dog off with my ex that night so I would only be available until 8.
The response I got back was that it had been a busy weekend, his mom had just left (I didn't even know she had been in town) and that he was going to take a nap then try to install a door (and he sent photos of the new front and back doors he had just purchased). I thought that was pretty disappointing, but I asked if he wanted my help since we both are into hands-on home improvement. I figured at least we could spend some time together and a job like that has to be easier with 4 hands. He responded that he appreciated it and would let me know. I didn't hear from him again until late that night. He sent a message saying to pick a day this week and we would hang out.
I found this all pretty deflating. By the time Friday came around I knew he wasn't probably going to make any plans, but I didn't expect to come in second to a door. Now I'm wondering is the spur of the moment change of plans usual for him? Is this indicative of how much importance I will have long term? Was this a case that between 200 school kids and his mom he just needed a break from people (I think like me he tends towards introversion) and this was the excuse he could come up with? I guess I would have felt better if there had been an apology for the change in plans. I had been looking forward to the day all week.
Personally, the constant texting gets to me sometimes and I don't care who it's from. Good friends, spouse, MOM....doesn't matter. I get so many texts all day, every day and am also in front of two computers all day, every day, that sometimes I just go quiet for a while to re-set my brain. He could be like me in that respect.
Maybe try calling vs. texting or slow down the texts a bit. From your posts I believe you probably send a LOT of texts and make them very wordy. Just keep 'em short and sweet and infrequent.
I found this all pretty deflating. By the time Friday came around I knew he wasn't probably going to make any plans, but I didn't expect to come in second to a door. Now I'm wondering is the spur of the moment change of plans usual for him? Is this indicative of how much importance I will have long term? Was this a case that between 200 school kids and his mom he just needed a break from people (I think like me he tends towards introversion) and this was the excuse he could come up with? I guess I would have felt better if there had been an apology for the change in plans. I had been looking forward to the day all week.
You need to ask him ^^^^ these questions, not us.
IMO it sounds to me like you're a lot more invested in this than he is. Sending novels by text isn't welcome by most people. That's what conversation is for, in person. Regardless, I think it's a jerk move to string someone along all week and then bail.
I suggest you keep your options and open and possibly move on.
I should be clear that I have learned to temper my texting with him. I have friends where I can have whole conversations via text or a messaging app that might go on sporadically for hours. I know that's not his style, and I am not constantly barraging him with texts.
I think I partially threw people off using the word paragraphs. I mean that my texts might have a sentence or two in them to contrast with his responses of 1-3 words. I send a message or two. If I get a response, I will respond back. If I don't get a response right away I wait until I do, or I don't bother him again until I need something, or have something special to share, or until the next day, whichever happens first.
I do call him too. I tend to be apprehensive to just call people at random in general because I find that more intrusive than text because you never know when someone is busy or in his case has gone to bed earlier than I expected. I actually wouldn't mind if he called more. The last few times I've called he didn't answer and sent texts instead. So it's still a process to figure out what works for communication.
In either case as long as he continues to reach out and schedule time together I will continue to see where it goes (and frankly he is the one who has been in control of how often we get together)
I should be clear that I have learned to temper my texting with him. I have friends where I can have whole conversations via text or a messaging app that might go on sporadically for hours. I know that's not his style, and I am not constantly barraging him with texts.
I think I partially threw people off using the word paragraphs. I mean that my texts might have a sentence or two in them to contrast with his responses of 1-3 words. I send a message or two. If I get a response, I will respond back. If I don't get a response right away I wait until I do, or I don't bother him again until I need something, or have something special to share, or until the next day, whichever happens first.
I do call him too. I tend to be apprehensive to just call people at random in general because I find that more intrusive than text because you never know when someone is busy or in his case has gone to bed earlier than I expected. I actually wouldn't mind if he called more. The last few times I've called he didn't answer and sent texts instead. So it's still a process to figure out what works for communication.
In either case as long as he continues to reach out and schedule time together I will continue to see where it goes (and frankly he is the one who has been in control of how often we get together)
But he's not reaching out. You seem to have sat around all week waiting/hoping to hear from him, and sending texts all the way up to the day you were supposed to see each other. He left you hanging and then bailed.
Curious why that's okay with you and that you want to pursue someone who is dismissive of your time.
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