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If anything, I’ve found it’s the total opposite. I did some interesting things in my 20s. I’ve met a lot of people who did fun things in their 20s and I haven’t found anyone yet who said they wished they had started working in a serious career immediately.
I would have preferred a serious career at 18, let alone in my early 20s. Your search is over!
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Originally Posted by timberline742
Memories and experiences are what we have! It makes life worth living!
A road trip with my friends for a music fest at 26, or a vacation to see Tikal (or whatever) now, means a whole lot more than what type of car I'm driving, or if my house appreciated X amount.
I had to drive several states away to pick up my current car, which I enjoy immensely. I have fond memories of that experience, which actually has some utility to it, too. Zoom zoom!
OP, I think what you lack is perspective. At 75 I have plenty of it. I think you take yourself too seriously. Looking for a mate or even a date is not like buying a car. Your checklist ought to be am I attracted to this person, am I fun to be with, are they?
Looking back a college degree didn't make me any smarter or better than anyone else, it was just a passport to a job interview. And the most important thing about work was enjoying it. Titles or money or status were all secondary. I finally found my niche in my 40's, until then I just worked to pay the bills. I finally got work I loved and which paid enough to make me comfortable, but it was still just a job.
Neither my wife or I cared anything about each others' occupations or education. It was enough that we were both satisfied with what we did for a living and were hard workers. We were attracted by each others' looks and personality. And we were never greedy or status seekers or worried about money. We just took life as it came and were happy to have each other. None of that changed in 50 years.
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Originally Posted by workingwestside
Sorry for the awkwardly worded title. I'm not sure how to safely convey my feelings on this subject. Since the internet is fairly anonymous please allow me to formally introduce my achievements.
23 years of age. BMI 24.8.
Income $83,200 finance profession.
Educated with Bachelors.
Homeowner (House is being built, valued at almost $300k).
Professional wardrobe comparable to ZARA, H&M, and things alike corporate-core. Nothing showing too much skin as I prefer to dress modestly/conservatively. No ripped clothing, I don't display my chest at all.
My initial self reflection is that maybe I'm aiming too high or accomplished too much? My searches are geared towards men that are comparable. My achievements so far have been a bit advanced; but they're only slightly advanced at this age and not unobtainable. I know with certainty there are other young professional men out there but I have no idea where to mingle with them. Secondly, I think the attention received when I was younger was just because of my age. Although I'm not overweight, I'm not beautiful either. I'm starting to feel like I never have been especially in this age of dawning social media. Sometimes it seems like they're looking for a picture-perfect woman that checks all the boxes, to which I am not.
By far, the biggest crux I have come to with dating has been my race. Its a touchy subject and there is a clear line between victimizing yourself and living in a close-minded cultural area. On choosier dating sites (match, eharmony) multiple comments have been sent to me alluding to eroticism or doubts about chemistry matches. My friend, who is fair skinned, compared our matches together and the difference is night and day. That's what led me to return here and ask for advice again ... she brought me to the realization I have never been courted in my life.
Flowers? Dates where I don't have to spend? Flattering compliments that aren't suggestive? Never, never. Never. Of course, limiting dating to essentially digital relationship-resumes isn't the best way to go about it. I've attempted to meet new people at the gym, the parks, in laid back hobbies and its all similar feedback. I would be ideal to date if it wasn't for my skin color.
As I get older with limited experience my family continues to pry as well. At first their comments bordered on endearing but now they've become more direct and rude. Also now that I have almost obtained all necessities, life feels empty and void less. I would love children with the right husband, to settle down somewhere and take them to school, watch them grow and move out. I want to be a grandmother in a long fulfilling marriage with my successful family. But apparently that's aiming too high and according to them I should humble myself. From what I've seen and experienced, they're correct.
Start traveling. Go somewhere different for vacation every year. Look at how the rest of the world lives. Get some experience. You will become a more interesting person.
Take a martial arts class. Learn to ride a horse. Try golfing. Skiing. Do a pottery class. Try lots of different things in life while you are young and unencumbered. Don't worry about what your parents want you to do. It's your life, take charge of it.
Dude. You're twenty-three and waving the white flag? Get over yourself.
If what you say about yourself and your accomplishments is true, then you are on the cusp of one of the greatest times of your life. You have all the disposable income in the world. And all the free time, too. People who are single and childless have zero understanding about the vast ocean of time they have for play, for developing their passions, you name it.
Instead of this navel-gazing and self-pity (Because that's what this truly is), why not take your free time and money and harness it to something constructive? Try out new things. Take some classes. Take up a hobby, one that gets you meeting like-minded people. Go to parties and make a game out of finding one interesting thing about everyone there.
But if you're not going to engage the world, the world isn't going to engage with you, no matter what your resume looks like.
Agree.
My 20s/early 30s wasn't chopped liver, I did a fair amount but looking back, I wish I did more!
This may be two comments because its so long- please excuse the double post. To make it shorter I condensed the quotes to spoilers for any to open/read.
Grlzrl, I didn't finish your post. I'm not sure why you mention being white as a counterargument to me being black... I have been told directly to my face that I have been passed over due to my skin color. I understand from reflecting on the current comments my personality could use some much needed improvement but the obstacle being my race is still present. Not to take away from the objective of the thread but there is a well documented history, both past and present, on racial inequality that intrudes all aspects of life. Again, this is friendly conversation and if you need educational resources on dating perspectives by race I'll be happy to provide them.
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Originally Posted by cleasach
Spoiler
Maybe I am missing something but I don't see any real envy-worthy accomplishments in the OP. It sounds like a sort of misplaced humble brag or something about things that are prety common among the people we hire. Most financial firms have raised their entry level salaries to close to six figures so it's not out of the ordinary to see someone fresh out of school earning $83k.
As for end of the OP, if you were 40, I could understand. But at 23?
Its not a humble brag by any means. I don't list my accomplishments on any dating app-they are only listed here because I'm used to receiving disheartening speeches involving "unrealistic expectations" and "what do you bring to the table?". I fully understand that if someone has high expectations for a partner they have to be on a level playing field themselves.
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Originally Posted by SnazzyB
Spoiler
Huh.
I take OP to be trying to convey to us that she has fairly high standards, and she wants to meet quality men. I would assume she wants to date a college graduate who has it going on.
OP, Like the others, I suggest getting some 'carefree' pictures for your profile. I wouldn't necessarily get rid of the more conservative ones...maybe just pare down, and include the casual. Maybe something that shows what your leisure style is...and maybe some jewelry. Not expensive stuff necessarily...just stuff that would show some personality, and accessory.
And have you tried Plenty of Fish? I have a great friend who's very tall, kind of geeky looking, and whiter than the underbelly of a dead whale. But he's wicked smart, funny, wise, and a great all around person. He met his wife (a lawyer) on Plenty of Fish.
And if you haven't done so already, have you thought about maybe getting a makeup makeover? Might be a confidence booster, and who knows, they might be able to show you how to make the most of your features and make guys think "WOWZERS!" ;-) There are probably tutorials for Black makeup application on Youtube.
I hear what you're saying.
Definitely going to work on new pictures! I think that falls in hand with what makes me human and my personality. So far, there isn't one visible on the surface. I joined a Facebook group in my area and looking for events to join.
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Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Spoiler
Just for whatever it's worth, OP, I get a vibe from your posts that I have some sympathy for. Like the parts of you that matter the most to you, to your identity and that make you proud...just are not what "people" or "men" out there care about. I've often felt kinda frustrated as a woman that like we could cure cancer and there would be men out there like "but what's ur bra size?" Always made me feel like men don't want a person, they want breeding livestock.
I'm sure that's hyperbole and unfair. Not saying it is a fact of how all/most men really think. Just saying it feels like that sometimes. In those moments where the world feels like a tough place to be.
What I do think is a bit more realistic and fair, is that most people look to the possibility of fun and good times with a new partner. Quality companionship, you know? And that does include, "does she turn me on?" Which is fair. (And a much less upsetting way to look at it, than "is she a fertile breeder" amirite?) I mean, think about it, what do you want in a man? A list of numbers, a credit score, a professional resume? Or someone who makes you feel good (but of course who is not gonna be a mooch or advantage taker, no one wants that!)...? Find a way to get photos that are full of smiles and fun. They don't need to show off your cleavage, no, but they should show that you can let your hair down and be enjoyable company. A dash of humor in your profile might help, too...I have a feeling there might not be much.
Oh and OP? Your achievements are awesome. Especially for your age. I applaud your hard work and dedication!
This is exactly how I feel sometimes! Instagram, risky platforms, and so much more has taken off I wanted to 'stand out' in a way that didn't portray my features in a light that doesn't align with my values. Nothing judgmental on the women who choose to live their lives; its not something I'm comfortable with or want to invite into my relationship. I want to offer more than a surface-level attraction but I still managed to do that- instead of using my body I used my finances!
To answer your other question- No, I am not currently on birth control. I was briefly from 19-21 and was even more interested in men than before.
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Originally Posted by timberline742
Spoiler
You're 23 and bitter and closed? Think about that. You're barely entering the start of adulthood.
Yes. My parents were abusive and it left lasting damage. Personally, I try not to deflect all of my current actions and perceptions on my childhood because it feels irresponsible like I'm shifting the blame onto another being. Therapy, social outings, staying productive. The damage is still there.
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Originally Posted by E-Twist
Spoiler
OP, what you wrote about yourself shows no joy, no fun. It's great to have goals, but you need to have fun
in-between reaching them.
I get the impression there are cultural expectations pressuring you. Is your family wanting you to marry?
There needs to be a balance in life. I say this as a person that could have put a little less pressure on myself in my 20s. (I bought my first house at 21) No one on their death bed is thinking about how they should have worked harder. Their regrets are that they didn't experience more of life. Loving and being loved is more important than accumulating stuff and/or being admired by strangers.
Keep your goals, but add a few. Add enjoying yourself, the ability to relax, and time to play. Add learning to love yourself, not just your accomplishments.
See a counselor if you need help in learning how to do this.
You didn't say what ages of men you are wanting to date, but most men your age are probably not as intensely focused on their careers as you are yet. And do you want to always come second to someone's job? Are you planning on marrying and not caring as much about a spouse as your work? Are you going to have children and put them second to your work? There needs to be a balance.
My age range was 23 - 25, upped it to 27 but it feels odd. As you described the meanings of wifelyhood I immediately categorized it as "spousal duties". I have a lot to reflect on and figure out how to date men respectfully. Checking off a mental list to find the most optimal date hasn't helped at all. Everything is cool on paper but I don't know how to be a loving girlfriend to someone.
I want to retire early but its not feasible to have kids, family, education, and a career. Its possible but I'm overwhelmed and naive as it is. Going to take a lot of the feedback to heart and slow down.
Maybe I am missing something but I don't see any real envy-worthy accomplishments in the OP. It sounds like a sort of misplaced humble brag or something about things that are prety common among the people we hire. Most financial firms have raised their entry level salaries to close to six figures so it's not out of the ordinary to see someone fresh out of school earning $83k.
As for end of the OP, if you were 40, I could understand. But at 23?
You’re 23. Spend more time with your friends in social settings. Attend professional conferences where you can meet similar people. Volunteer regularly. Hit the gym.
Get advice on hair and makeup from an expert. It’ll help. Show a little skin when you go out. Wear some bling and a light fragrance.
Don’t box yourself in with things you can’t change. Plenty of men are attracted to dark-skinned women. Black fashion models rule “Vogue” these days.
Like many have said, now is the time to enjoy life. You’re very young so there’s no rush to pair up.
Attractive women are found in all races so unless you live in 1950's Alabama then I doubt skin color is the issue.
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