Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Thank you so much for this!! I appreciate it. Yep, I have a feeling that this situation will only get worse the longer the relationship goes on. I cannot placate his insecurities because I didn't cause them. I also cannot make this person happy as he claims I am the only one that can make him happy. You have to be happy with yourself first. Now I am seeing why his other relationships never worked out.
Oh goodness...
When (some) people say that to someone, or just believe it themselves, they don't seem to realize that:
A.) It's a HUGE burden to put on someone else, because, as you wrote,
B.) You have to be happy with yourself first.
Finally, you're right. It's not up to you to pamper/cater to his insecurities.
Well you were out with him, and someone else cut into your time together, I understand his frustration, he handled it poorly but it is a valid reason to have a bit of a mood, when I'm on a date any thing short of one of my moms, sister or daughter being hauled off to the emergency room that moment would not draw my focus away from my date. especially if it's in the relationship phase as that is what gives my the most joy.
Well you were out with him, and someone else cut into your time together, I understand his frustration, he handled it poorly but it is a valid reason to have a bit of a mood, when I'm on a date any thing short of one of my moms, sister or daughter being hauled off to the emergency room that moment would not draw my focus away from my date. especially if it's in the relationship phase as that is what gives my the most joy.
We were out with friends at a bar seeing a band, it wasn't just me and him. We have date nights on Fridays and on Saturdays we go out with friends.
The kneejerk reaction is this forum is always to break up with whomever it is we're talking about. In this instance, since he hasn't necessarily done anything "wrong" I would at least try and have a civil, sit-down conversation with him first before just heading for the doors. There must be something about him that you like otherwise you wouldn't have stayed with him for over a year.
I dated a girl who was like this. She was terribly insecure, caught her checking my cellphone once. I calmly sat her down and explained my take on this and that in no way was I interested in being with someone who couldn't trust me, certainly if I didn't give any reasons for that mistrust. We've been married now for over 15 years and I've never once seen that behavior rear it's ugly head again after that discussion.
At some point being "hurt" about a past event is just self-indulgent. Laying that personal baggage on someone else is manipulative.
A conversation is in order here. Lay it down. This is going to stop or it's over. See where he takes it.
However I will point out, long drawn out conversations with someone else, male or female, in a social setting, and forty minutes is a long time, is right on the edge of being neglectful of your partner, the one who brung ya. Going out isn't an opportunity to look for conversation elsewhere. It's about having fun together.
I understand the conversation was serious, but if my husband left me alone for forty minutes talking to someone else I wouldn't be jealous necessarily but I'd start to feel neglected.
And that's what I think your boyfriend was feeling, not jealous or insecure. It's not just about ourselves we have an obligation to be mindful of the feelings of people we claim to care about.
Added to the guy coming over to get your phone number to give you "more information." Hmm. Nothing may have been going on in your mind but I don't know about the other guy. And either does your boyfriend. He's a man and he knows how men think.
The kneejerk reaction is this forum is always to break up with whomever it is we're talking about. In this instance, since he hasn't necessarily done anything "wrong" I would at least try and have a civil, sit-down conversation with him first before just heading for the doors. There must be something about him that you like otherwise you wouldn't have stayed with him for over a year.
I dated a girl who was like this. She was terribly insecure, caught her checking my cellphone once. I calmly sat her down and explained my take on this and that in no way was I interested in being with someone who couldn't trust me, certainly if I didn't give any reasons for that mistrust. We've been married now for over 15 years and I've never once seen that behavior rear it's ugly head again after that discussion.
This^^
OP, have a conversation with him.
I have had those conversations as I have a lot of guy friends. Sometimes it helped - sometimes it did not. But you can at least try.
At some point being "hurt" about a past event is just self-indulgent. Laying that personal baggage on someone else is manipulative.
A conversation is in order here. Lay it down. This is going to stop or it's over. See where he takes it.
However I will point out, long drawn out conversations with someone else, male or female, in a social setting, and forty minutes is a long time, is right on the edge of being neglectful of your partner, the one who brung ya. Going out isn't an opportunity to look for conversation elsewhere. It's about having fun together.
I understand the conversation was serious, but if my husband left me alone for forty minutes talking to someone else I wouldn't be jealous necessarily but I'd start to feel neglected.
And that's what I think your boyfriend was feeling, not jealous or insecure. It's not just about ourselves we have an obligation to be mindful of the feelings of people we claim to care about.
Added to the guy coming over to get your phone number to give you "more information." Hmm. Nothing may have been going on in your mind but I don't know about the other guy. And either does your boyfriend. He's a man and he knows how men think.
Just saying.
Hi,
I will be having a conversation with him this evening. But I was on the phone with my daughter, whom I never get to see or talk with because she works night shift as a nurse for about 20 minutes and then having a conversation with that man ( who is dating the mother of a good friend of mine) for about 10, so 30 minutes tops in total however, I was in front of my boyfriend that entire time, just off in a corner on the phone with my daughter so I could hear her. This isn't the first time for all of this. We were seated next to a woman that I knew a few months back while seeing a band and I was talking with her for just a few minutes and there he was interrupting saying something was wrong with his phone lol.
I will be having a conversation with him this evening. But I was on the phone with my daughter, whom I never get to see or talk with because she works night shift as a nurse for about 20 minutes and then having a conversation with that man ( who is dating the mother of a good friend of mine) for about 10, so 30 minutes tops in total however, I was in front of my boyfriend that entire time, just off in a corner on the phone with my daughter so I could hear her. This isn't the first time for all of this. We were seated next to a woman that I knew a few months back while seeing a band and I was talking with her for just a few minutes and there he was interrupting saying something was wrong with his phone lol.
so it is not just other guys you are talking to. He just doesn't like if you don't focus on him only. He is jealous of anyone getting your attention.
Yes, talk with him about it and tell him that if he continues to interrupt rudely, you will let him know right then and there. Which might be embarrassing to him.
Thank you so much for this!! I appreciate it. Yep, I have a feeling that this situation will only get worse the longer the relationship goes on. I cannot placate his insecurities because I didn't cause them. I also cannot make this person happy as he claims I am the only one that can make him happy. You have to be happy with yourself first. Now I am seeing why his other relationships never worked out.
Tell him that's not your job. It's his job. If he needs help achieving that, he should get professional help.
You could also tell him, that you're looking for a partner who's intrinsically content, someone who's happy on their own. The two of you aren't a good match.
When (some) people say that to someone, or just believe it themselves, they don't seem to realize that:
A.) It's a HUGE burden to put on someone else, because, as you wrote,
B.) You have to be happy with yourself first.
Finally, you're right. It's not up to you to pamper/cater to his insecurities.
Yeah, I caught that one too... no good. Not my 'job' to make ANYONE happy - except for myself.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
