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We were out with friends at a bar seeing a band, it wasn't just me and him. We have date nights on Fridays and on Saturdays we go out with friends.
does not matter, he is your romantic partner, your boyfriend he takes priority in ANY setting as do you, if the situation was reversed and he was talking to some woman (or guy) for 40 minutes I would be taking your side. yes you are going out with friends, but AS A COUPLE!!!! it's one thing to have group conversations(your partner is included in) or even side convo's like "hey how ya doin, been a long time, nice talking to ya" and keep it movin back to your partner, but long drawn out conversations 1 on 1 with others is eating into your partners time with you, time that can never be replaced.
And time is the most valuable gift you can give each other. Time which you denied to him and gave to some other guy, that is the meat of the situation no matter what the conversation was about, then he gave you his number which means potentially more shared time will be denied to him to another man. You can't call a man insecure because he is nervous about crossing a rickety bridge you built for him, as opposed to a solid sturdy bridge laid with concrete and steel beams and anchor cables.
When (some) people say that to someone, or just believe it themselves, they don't seem to realize that:
A.) It's a HUGE burden to put on someone else, because, as you wrote,
B.) You have to be happy with yourself first.
Finally, you're right. It's not up to you to pamper/cater to his insecurities.
This is very true.
HOWEVER, no one is perfect. OP, try to work with him. If he doesn't show any improvement, you can still leave him. If he is a great person in general and you truly love him, make an effort.
does not matter, he is your romantic partner, your boyfriend he takes priority in ANY setting as do you, if the situation was reversed and he was talking to some woman (or guy) for 40 minutes I would be taking your side. yes you are going out with friends, but AS A COUPLE!!!! it's one thing to have group conversations(your partner is included in) or even side convo's like "hey how ya doin, been a long time, nice talking to ya" and keep it movin back to your partner, but long drawn out conversations 1 on 1 with others is eating into your partners time with you, time that can never be replaced.
And time is the most valuable gift you can give each other. Time which you denied to him and gave to some other guy, that is the meat of the situation no matter what the conversation was about, then he gave you his number which means potentially more shared time will be denied to him to another man. You can't call a man insecure because he is nervous about crossing a rickety bridge you built for him, as opposed to a solid sturdy bridge laid with concrete and steel beams and anchor cables.
Wow!!! This guy was an old man telling me AND my boyfriend about a good friends mother's cancer that returned. Good lord, if I can't talk to other people while we are out in a PUBLIC place, then there is something wrong with and you for that matter. It wasn't a 40 minute conversation as I said earlier. I had a phone call from my daughter right before that and my boyfriend didn't have a problem with that, it's just me talking to anyone in general that may take a few minutes away from him. Again, this number was given to me to keep me updated on a mutual friends health and once again, it was an OLD man. Much older than me.
does not matter, he is your romantic partner, your boyfriend he takes priority in ANY setting as do you, if the situation was reversed and he was talking to some woman (or guy) for 40 minutes I would be taking your side. yes you are going out with friends, but AS A COUPLE!!!! it's one thing to have group conversations(your partner is included in) or even side convo's like "hey how ya doin, been a long time, nice talking to ya" and keep it movin back to your partner, but long drawn out conversations 1 on 1 with others is eating into your partners time with you, time that can never be replaced.
And time is the most valuable gift you can give each other. Time which you denied to him and gave to some other guy, that is the meat of the situation no matter what the conversation was about, then he gave you his number which means potentially more shared time will be denied to him to another man. You can't call a man insecure because he is nervous about crossing a rickety bridge you built for him, as opposed to a solid sturdy bridge laid with concrete and steel beams and anchor cables.
Point well taken.
This is the crux of the issue.
OP said this has happened before, she seems to make a habit of neglecting him in social situations.
That the conversation with the guy was "right in front" of him doesn't matter.
Boyfriend probably has a different take on that evening. He doesn't have anything to "fix" about himself. He doesn't like being ignored. Can't say I blame him.
If he feels this way and OP does nothing about it maybe she's not the woman for him.
The kneejerk reaction is this forum is always to break up with whomever it is we're talking about. In this instance, since he hasn't necessarily done anything "wrong" I would at least try and have a civil, sit-down conversation with him first before just heading for the doors. There must be something about him that you like otherwise you wouldn't have stayed with him for over a year.
I dated a girl who was like this. She was terribly insecure, caught her checking my cellphone once. I calmly sat her down and explained my take on this and that in no way was I interested in being with someone who couldn't trust me, certainly if I didn't give any reasons for that mistrust. We've been married now for over 15 years and I've never once seen that behavior rear it's ugly head again after that discussion.
I was one of the people calling for an ultimatum. And I don't back off that advice one bit.
Because someone who behaves like this long after the trauma in question is someone who hasn't actively sought a healthy response. It's not incumbent on the OP to nurse this guy along. Evidently, he has refused to do this on his own.
My advice was to give him a one-sentence set of terms. Either he accepts it or he doesn't. Because, quite likely, she's already had to endure these long, self-pitying downloads by him.
So tough love is the only possible way to continue the relationship. And if he doesn't have the basic emotional strength to undertake major self-examination and then go through substantive change as a person, then this is no person to spend more time with.
OP said this has happened before, she seems to make a habit of neglecting him in social situations.
That the conversation with the guy was "right in front" of him doesn't matter.
Boyfriend probably has a different take on that evening. He doesn't have anything to "fix" about himself. He doesn't like being ignored. Can't say I blame him.
If he feels this way and OP does nothing about it maybe she's not the woman for him.
So I'm supposed to stay silent and not speak to others while we are out with friends? Is that what I am supposed to do?
does not matter, he is your romantic partner, your boyfriend he takes priority in ANY setting as do you, if the situation was reversed and he was talking to some woman (or guy) for 40 minutes I would be taking your side. yes you are going out with friends, but AS A COUPLE!!!! it's one thing to have group conversations(your partner is included in) or even side convo's like "hey how ya doin, been a long time, nice talking to ya" and keep it movin back to your partner, but long drawn out conversations 1 on 1 with others is eating into your partners time with you, time that can never be replaced.
And time is the most valuable gift you can give each other. Time which you denied to him and gave to some other guy, that is the meat of the situation no matter what the conversation was about, then he gave you his number which means potentially more shared time will be denied to him to another man. You can't call a man insecure because he is nervous about crossing a rickety bridge you built for him, as opposed to a solid sturdy bridge laid with concrete and steel beams and anchor cables.
There are so many things wrong with this post that I can't even begin to number them one by one.
But it boils down to this: Any romantic partner is going to have friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and whoever else of the opposite sex. And sometimes, those will be pleasant interactions, conversations that might last an hour or so.
If you can't handle that, then you have no business being in a relationship in the first place. Because you haven't emotionally progressed beyond the state of a fourteen-year-old who gets mad because his girlfriend of the week is talking to another boy in the lunchroom line.
Also, it is not your romantic partner's role to essentially behave as your damned oxygen bottle at any given social occasion. You are not connected at the hip. And if you cannot survive without having your significant other standing by as your nanny or shepherd or whatever, then it's time for you to examine the deep and profound fear that seems to rule your life.
When I met my wife, what did I love most about her? That she was her own person. That she was (And still is) a person of integrity. So if she disappears at a party to talk to someone, I'm damned sure that she's not cooking up an assignation with some guy.
Because, in truth, that's what your post is about. A lack of trust. Yet trust is the foundation of every relationship, whether it's your partner in life, your friends, your business relationships, or even the oncoming motorist on the highway. Without trust, there is nothing but a sense of pervasive loneliness and vulnerability. A pretty hellish way to live.
And while we're talking about foundations, let's examine the notion that courage is the foundation of all happiness. If you have a problem with your significant other talking to a long-time male friend about an illness in his family, then you are cultivating fear within yourself. I mean, the slogan on your profile says it all: 'I fear the world is stacked against me.' Dadgum, if that's not a desperate plea for emotional health, I don't know what is.
Get over it, somehow. Oherwise, all you have to look forward to is spending the rest of your life as a lonely and withered soul. Because that lack of trust has a way of turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 04-13-2022 at 10:48 AM..
So I'm supposed to stay silent and not speak to others while we are out with friends? Is that what I am supposed to do?
Of course not.
You like to circulate and chat with others in social settings. Fine. Some people like to do that and see going out as an opportunity to socialize with others. Nothing at all wrong with that as long as one's partner feels the same.
Your bf doesn't, sounds like.
There's nothing wrong with either point of view. I don't see how blaming him for the "problem" is helpful. It's a matter of incompatibility.
Maybe you're just not a match.
Last edited by RubyandPearl; 04-13-2022 at 11:06 AM..
You like to circulate and chat with others in social settings. Fine. Some people like to do that and see going out as an opportunity to socialize with others. Nothing at all wrong with that as long as one's partner feels the same.
Your bf doesn't, sounds like.
There's nothing wrong with either point of view. I don't see how blaming him for the "problem" is helpful. It's a matter of incompatibility.
Maybe you're just not a match.
The problem is with his controlling behavior and essentially punishing her for his lack of social skills.
It's pretty straightforward. Partners in a healthy relationship trust one another and want each other to enjoy the most they can of life. Yet you seem to advocate that she stop being who she is to conform to his own strange worldview.
The minute anyone tries to impose limits on his or her partner's reasonable interactions with others, it's controlling. Do it to the point of being pervasive and it borders on emotional abuse.
The problems that she describes in the S/O are such that I can't imagine this relationship being rewarding.
Me? I'm a guy who works in an industry where there are lots of smart, well-heeled women. I've met with them, traveled with them (Once for two weeks), eaten with them, and enjoyed a cocktail with them after work. In fact, some of them have become really good friends with my wife over time. So much so, we're going to France with one of them and her husband this summer for two weeks.
I cannot imagine what my life would have been like had I had to constantly buttress my wife's flagging self-esteem before every business trip or appointment because of her chronic lack of trust.
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