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Hello, many of you here already know my story and experiences with attempting to date and connect with men. I hear many people here, on social media, on YouTube and in real life that your self-esteem and self worth are important; that men can sniff out desperation and low self-esteem. Many also say it’s important to be your real, authentic self; don’t try to fake or put on for others you are trying to date, as they will see through this. What’s more, the opinions of others shouldn’t matter a bit. You shouldn’t even think about that or internalize the opinions of others.
My question is, what is the line between using the opinions of others as feedback and guidelines to change yourself, versus saying “screw it” and just being yourself? What if no one likes the authentic you? And don’t some aspects of self-esteem at some level come from without versus within? From compliments, good reactions from people? Maybe not all of it, but some of it does, right?
I’m having a bit of trouble fully putting what I’m trying to say into words, let me try to explain a bit further. I am reading and studying many things, and I know deep down that it is a bad idea to be dependent upon the opinions or actions of men to guide behavior and self-worth. That shouldn’t be my guiding force or motivation. But as I work on things like self-esteem and increasing feminine energy, I wonder if they’re effective and when I don’t see any noticeable changes or reactions, I think “Well this isn’t working. My feminine energy and self-esteem must not be improving. My personality and likability that I’ve been working on aren’t improving. He didn’t speak when I spoke to him, he didn’t look my way, still no increased attention.” Shouldn’t these things be reflected back at you at some level if they are improving? Shouldn’t there be external signs your hard work is paying off?
I still am not sure if I fully explained what I am trying to say. I hope my question makes sense.
Sounds like you are desparate for a man in your life and you think you need a man for internal reasons. However, you will never be completely happy until you find true happiness within yourself, not within anyone else or with "expectations" from other people, which you think would increase your self esteem.
Try just being alone for a while. Be happy at work, with friends, with your home. Do things you enjoy, date yourself so to speak. Once you learn to be happy only with yourself, your self esteem will shoot through the roof.
If you get three women at a bar, one is relatively attractive, super personality, having fun and laughing and just generally having a good time. The other two are super attractive, yet quiet and withdrawn. Who do you think the guy is going to be attracted to? For sex only, maybe the "hot" ones, but for emotional dating and long term, he's going for the happy one.
Men can sense discontent, and low self esteem very quickly. Just as you can sense it in men.
If you are doing this by yourself, that's good but a good therapist will speed this along faster. Don't go to extremes to change yourself so you can "get better dating results", but do try to become completely happy with yourself and your life for YOU, not for any other reason.
I would also say you draw the line at what you are happy with.
I would also say that though I'm pretty happy with myself, looking back ... sometimes I shudder at the person I was. Things I said, things I believed.
Like I've said some idiotic things to people. I still recall them. And I used to hold some beliefs that I totally do not today, like ... regarding status and money, even though I wasn't too bad.
Even if I look back at the stuff I've posted HERE, there's a shift in mentality.
Then again, I see a lot of posters and they're exactly the same, so... I guess whatever works.
But if you're an introspective and open person, look to what kind of person you want to be, and make those changes.
Reading, studying and trying to turn yourself into someone different than who you are, none of that is necessary. I think it's hindering you because you spend too much time overthinking. Are you truly happy and could someone tell that by looking at you? Facial expressions, posture, body language, all of those things create an impression to others. Embrace who you are, not who you think some stranger will want you to be.
There is no formula to follow, and even by showing up to every event and meetup, there is no guarantee. Do you go to everything alone? Do you go there because you want to participate in the activity/event or are you there just scoping out men?
Reading, studying and trying to turn yourself into someone different than who you are, none of that is necessary. I think it's hindering you because you spend too much time overthinking. Are you truly happy and could someone tell that by looking at you? Facial expressions, posture, body language, all of those things create an impression to others. Embrace who you are, not who you think some stranger will want you to be.
There is no formula to follow, and even by showing up to every event and meetup, there is no guarantee. Do you go to everything alone? Do you go there because you want to participate in the activity/event or are you there just scoping out men?
This right here...
Some people - usually guys - treat Meetups as 'meat markets', they are not there for the activities - rather, they have their own 'agenda'.
There is no formula to follow, and even by showing up to every event and meetup, there is no guarantee. Do you go to everything alone? Do you go there because you want to participate in the activity/event or are you there just scoping out men?
Meetups are there to socialize with new people and find new people outside of your usual circle. As friends, casual meetup buddies, or maybe more. Nothing wrong with it. People scope each other out there to see if they get along or could potentially be friends/partners, it is part of it.
OP I think maybe you should find a forum that deals with fashion and post your pictures there for advice, without giving the posters there the context of your dating and confidence troubles that we have here. They may be able to help you fine tune your look in a way that will attract a compatible mate.
Hello, many of you here already know my story and experiences with attempting to date and connect with men. I hear many people here, on social media, on YouTube and in real life that your self-esteem and self worth are important; that men can sniff out desperation and low self-esteem. Many also say it’s important to be your real, authentic self; don’t try to fake or put on for others you are trying to date, as they will see through this. What’s more, the opinions of others shouldn’t matter a bit. You shouldn’t even think about that or internalize the opinions of others.
My question is, what is the line between using the opinions of others as feedback and guidelines to change yourself, versus saying “screw it” and just being yourself? What if no one likes the authentic you? And don’t some aspects of self-esteem at some level come from without versus within? From compliments, good reactions from people? Maybe not all of it, but some of it does, right?
I’m having a bit of trouble fully putting what I’m trying to say into words, let me try to explain a bit further. I am reading and studying many things, and I know deep down that it is a bad idea to be dependent upon the opinions or actions of men to guide behavior and self-worth. That shouldn’t be my guiding force or motivation. But as I work on things like self-esteem and increasing feminine energy, I wonder if they’re effective and when I don’t see any noticeable changes or reactions, I think “Well this isn’t working. My feminine energy and self-esteem must not be improving. My personality and likability that I’ve been working on aren’t improving. He didn’t speak when I spoke to him, he didn’t look my way, still no increased attention.” Shouldn’t these things be reflected back at you at some level if they are improving? Shouldn’t there be external signs your hard work is paying off?
I still am not sure if I fully explained what I am trying to say. I hope my question makes sense.
Broadly speaking the things that I would be willing to change about myself are to improve my ability to date are things I probably still should work on even if I wasn't in a relationship. So, if your diet and exercise habits aren't that great, that is an area for self improvement. If there were health issues especially issues with say depression or anxiety, I think those are worth addressing. If your financial house wasn't in order and or you were unemployed/under employed, that would be worth addressing.
There are things if you are feeling insecure about that if you want to change you can but if you don't want to change that is fine too. Here I am thinking if you don't like say how your boobs look by say getting a miracle bra or a boob job or just a new hair color or hair style, what ever makes you feel more comfortable about yourself and your body is fine.
In terms of improving self-esteem, I think a lot of that is just not agreeing to things that make you feel worse about yourself later. Do you feel like you are being pressured for sex in situations where you really want love? Well don't agree to be sexual with anyone until you actually want to be sexual with this guy for your own motivation. Are you continuing to go on additional dates with guys you don't really like or maybe not really respect or who you feel don't really like nor respect you? Again don't compromise your values here. If you have problems with negative self talk- maybe you are telling yourself "I suck", I can't recommend the Honest Meditation strongly enough.
But your self-esteem is about how good you feel about yourself. That is not something you measure by how other people are reacting to you.
As for feminine energy, when other people were talking about that with you, I didn't really understand that then and I still don't really understand that today. Mostly that conversation had me thinking about Austin Powers getting worked up about losing his Mojo and thinking this idea was just as equally made up. So I am just not the person to give you feedback on this one.
But the bigger point is this, you aren't going to please all guys, dating is really about dominating your niche. The guys at Suburban Mega Church and the guys at the local BDSM munch are looking for very different things in their ideal girlfriend. Whatever feminine energy is, I doubt the guys in those two distinct dating environments are looking for the same version of it. But there are a lot more niches than those two too. Some crowds of people you are going to feel more at home than others and I think you need to find your niche.
Why this matters is that most people are looking for someone who can really accept them for who they really are at their core. A lot of failing in love is allowing yourself to become more emotionally vulnerable around someone and to share your inner dialogue with someone, while at the same time this person is doing that with you, but if you have twisted yourself into a dating acrobat who talks like this and acts like that, becoming something that you are not, what do you have to share?
So, I wouldn't try to appeal to everyone. Look for the places you fit in best, where you feel most comfortable and can be yourself.
Even though you come here saying you have no clue what is wrong with you - deep down you know it. You just don't want to accept it and put in the work.
You are either not as great as you are telling us or your expectations are unrealistic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
You won't fix this with a toolkit
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bootsamillion
If you are doing this by yourself, that's good but a good therapist will speed this along faster. Don't go to extremes to change yourself so you can "get better dating results", but do try to become completely happy with yourself and your life for YOU, not for any other reason.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katnan
There is no formula to follow, and even by showing up to every event and meetup, there is no guarantee. Do you go to everything alone? Do you go there because you want to participate in the activity/event or are you there just scoping out men?
OP has been asking the same questions since July of last year and has made zero progress in their lovelife. That means it's time to take a break.
OP needs to take a year off from even trying. Just stop. Stop thinking about dating. Stop thinking about men. Stop thinking about what they want from other people. Stop thinking about what other people might like. Stop approaching matters of the heart like a game of Stratego. Stop systematizing like a man figuring out how to write code. Just LIVE.
And get therapy.
Or continue to run in circles and wonder what is wrong.
Sounds like you are desparate for a man in your life and you think you need a man for internal reasons. However, you will never be completely happy until you find true happiness within yourself, not within anyone else or with "expectations" from other people, which you think would increase your self esteem.
Try just being alone for a while. Be happy at work, with friends, with your home. Do things you enjoy, date yourself so to speak. Once you learn to be happy only with yourself, your self esteem will shoot through the roof.
If you get three women at a bar, one is relatively attractive, super personality, having fun and laughing and just generally having a good time. The other two are super attractive, yet quiet and withdrawn. Who do you think the guy is going to be attracted to? For sex only, maybe the "hot" ones, but for emotional dating and long term, he's going for the happy one.
Men can sense discontent, and low self esteem very quickly. Just as you can sense it in men.
If you are doing this by yourself, that's good but a good therapist will speed this along faster. Don't go to extremes to change yourself so you can "get better dating results", but do try to become completely happy with yourself and your life for YOU, not for any other reason.
You need to take this advice to heart, OP. My guess is that you come across waaaaay too desperate and most people pick up on the barest hint of that. There is absolutely no way to hide it, you have to truly be not desperate.
There's no one out there that can complete you, OP. If you think that, you're lying to yourself.
Take the first steps to not being desperate. Tell yourself "I am never going to have a romantic partner in my life and I am absolutely alright with that.". Then start believing it. Once you get to that point where you are absolutely alright with that genuinely in your heart, you're going to find then that you'll become attractive to other people. Only when you reach this point will you have the hope of finding a partner.
You need to take this advice to heart, OP. My guess is that you come across waaaaay too desperate and most people pick up on the barest hint of that. There is absolutely no way to hide it, you have to truly be not desperate.
There's no one out there that can complete you, OP. If you think that, you're lying to yourself.
Take the first steps to not being desperate. Tell yourself "I am never going to have a romantic partner in my life and I am absolutely alright with that.". Then start believing it. Once you get to that point where you are absolutely alright with that genuinely in your heart, you're going to find then that you'll become attractive to other people. Only when you reach this point will you have the hope of finding a partner.
I wouldn't advise the bolded because that could lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, especially if she is *average* or worse in looks.
Much better to say "I do not need a partner to be happy and I'm good with that." That, IMO, will boost her confidence.
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