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He is the type of person that will go down the rabbit hole on things, so I can imagine he thought the worst happened and just made it worse and worse. He has always told me from the beginning of our relationship that trust was the most important thing to him. He has other issues going on, some health and depression/anxiety.
How tiresome to have to be your long-distance BF's emotional "glue." And punching bag apparently.
I understand how that makes me look...guilty. But honestly, I don't remember not telling him. There is absolutely no reason why I wouldn't tell him. The only thing I can think is that I was a bit intoxicated and just wasn't in my right mind. Which I know that's a problem, and I've already addressed that part for myself, that I am not drinking anymore. Other than that, there is no reason why I would've not told him about it.
I did tell him that. But it seems that at this point in time, no matter what I tell him he will always have those thoughts in his mind that I did something wrong. When I called him today, he said the only reason he answered the phone is because he thought about the person I was, and that I wouldn't do something like that. But the other half of him can't get those thoughts out of his head that I could've done something. He said that he could not trust me 100% anymore. So I asked if that meant the relationship was over then, and he couldn't answer me. He said he didn't want to think about it because he doesn't know. I feel like I need to know one way or another. He is going to be going overseas soon, I'm not sure exactly when. So I feel like I need to know definitely either way before he leaves.
I did tell him that. But it seems that at this point in time, no matter what I tell him he will always have those thoughts in his mind that I did something wrong. When I called him today, he said the only reason he answered the phone is because he thought about the person I was, and that I wouldn't do something like that. But the other half of him can't get those thoughts out of his head that I could've done something. He said that he could not trust me 100% anymore. So I asked if that meant the relationship was over then, and he couldn't answer me. He said he didn't want to think about it because he doesn't know. I feel like I need to know one way or another. He is going to be going overseas soon, I'm not sure exactly when. So I feel like I need to know definitely either way before he leaves.
Sorry to hear that. Some people can learn to trust again and others..once trust is broken there is no going back.
Maybe he's in that position now...deciding what to do.
I did tell him that. But it seems that at this point in time, no matter what I tell him he will always have those thoughts in his mind that I did something wrong. When I called him today, he said the only reason he answered the phone is because he thought about the person I was, and that I wouldn't do something like that. But the other half of him can't get those thoughts out of his head that I could've done something. He said that he could not trust me 100% anymore. So I asked if that meant the relationship was over then, and he couldn't answer me. He said he didn't want to think about it because he doesn't know. I feel like I need to know one way or another. He is going to be going overseas soon, I'm not sure exactly when. So I feel like I need to know definitely either way before he leaves.
You are also free to end a relationship with a guy who thinks you “could have” done something you actually didn’t do.
The issue he is having is that he thinks I lied to him, and told him I was going drop something off to my son then head home. He believes that I deliberately did not tell him my friends were coming over. Which if I didn't mention it to him, I have no idea why. I know for a fact he wouldn't have any issues with that, so I don't know why I wouldn't have mentioned it. So the "lying" about dropping something off to my son and not mentioning friends were coming over made the whole situation suspicious to him.
Ya know what? You don't have to account for every single minute of your day to him. Even married couples don't do that! As others have said, he is too controlling - if he doesn't trust you, that is HIS issue.
Sure, the drinking didn't help, and you can examine that. But it is certainly not the only problem going on here. Don't let him beat you up over this - he is being unreasonable.
Just wondering, he's NEVER not accepted a call from you? Don't ya'all ever shower? Seriously, what about when you're driving somewhere...you still pick up and it is EXPECTED for you each to do so? Think about how crazy this sounds.
Hello All...so I'll try to keep this a short as possible. First off, this is my first time posting to a forum. I had no where to turn and no one to talk to, so I am hoping this will help. I have been dating my bf for 2 years. This past week I f'ed up and totally lost his trust. We are in a long distance relationship currently for the past 9 months, though we were physically together for the first 1 and 3 months. We talk and text every day, usually talking 4-7 times a day, every day. So the relationship has been as good as it can be for long-distance. We both have always trusted each other, always told each other what we were doing, planned on doing, etc. Last Thursday I had dinner with a couple of work friends. I had a few drinks at the restaurant and I'll admit that I was a bit more tipsy than I had anticipated since I haven't been drinking a lot due to stomach issues. I called my bf on the way home and talked about how crappy the food was, etc. Friends were coming back to my place for a couple more drinks, and I guess I failed to tell my bf that, or I told him I was going home alone. I honestly don't remember the conversation, except the beginning of it where I was talking about the food. There is absolutely no reason why I would lie to him about my friends coming over. I know that he wouldn't care so I would never lie about things like that. While we were back at my place, my friends and I had a couple glasses so of wine, and by this point I was pretty drunk. My bf called me twice and I declined his calls. I have no idea why I did that. I think it was probably because I didn't want to be rude to my guests, and figured I'd just call him back when they left. They were leaving shortly. I texted him a couple of minutes after he called me, and told him I was sorry I didn't pick up but I have my friends over. He was instantly pissed off. My friends left and I called him back, not thinking anything was wrong. He didn't answer my calls and finally did after several times calling. So from the time he initially called me to when I called him back, it was exactly 5 minutes. Long story short, he thinks I lied to him about not telling on the drive home that my friends were coming over, and that I was hiding something because I declined his calls. He said that I broke his trust. He is the type of person that will go down the rabbit hole on things, so I can imagine he thought the worst happened and just made it worse and worse. He has always told me from the beginning of our relationship that trust was the most important thing to him. He has other issues going on, some health and depression/anxiety. So basically, I was the glue holding him together and with what I did, I just destroyed him. I tried to apologize and explained my side of the story, but he just wasn't having it. The last time we spoke was on Saturday morning, and he said he needed time to think. He was supposed to call me yesterday (Tuesday), but I still have not heard from him. I am at a total loss here...I can't believe that our relationship can end on something like this. I am also so heartbroken that he would think I would do something like cheat on him. We have been through so much together. We are not young, we are both in our early 40s so this is not some immature relationship. I don't know what to do. He is my best friend and can't imagine life without him.
Here's my take: your boyfriend was seemingly unconcerned that you were driving when you shouldn't have been *and* talking with him on the phone as you were doing it (even hands-free is a distraction that, combined with your tipsiness, could have led to a negative outcome), but is all hurt that you failed to tell him that you were having friends over to your home and didn't hop to it when he called? His priorities and concerns are selfish and out of whack, to say the least.
If you hadn't clued us in that both you and your boyfriend were in your forties, I'd have pegged you both for being much younger and inexperienced when it comes to romantic relationships. Well-adjusted, mature adults just don't fall the sort of rabbit hole that your boyfriend did due to what amounts to a very minor non-incident nor do they blame themselves for the same non-incident and actively encourage dependence (that is, considering yourself to acting as the glue that holds another grown adult together emotionally).
If both of you want to move forward, you both need to lay things out on the table, so to speak. Learn to reset boundaries *and* reasonable expectations. Should your boyfriend choose to not get past this, it makes me wonder what would happen if something of serious importance would even come to pass. Neither failing to immediately answer a phone call while you were with friends nor not telling him that you had company at your house should have "destroyed" a rational, mentally healthy adult.
Here's my take: your boyfriend was seemingly unconcerned that you were driving when you shouldn't have been *and* talking with him on the phone as you were doing it (even hands-free is a distraction that, combined with your tipsiness, could have led to a negative outcome), but is all hurt that you failed to tell him that you were having friends over to your home and didn't hop to it when he called? His priorities and concerns are selfish and out of whack, to say the least.
If you hadn't clued us in that both you and your boyfriend were in your forties, I'd have pegged you both for being much younger and inexperienced when it comes to romantic relationships. Well-adjusted, mature adults just don't fall the sort of rabbit hole that your boyfriend did due to what amounts to a very minor non-incident nor do they blame themselves for the same non-incident and actively encourage dependence (that is, considering yourself to acting as the glue that holds another grown adult together emotionally).
If both of you want to move forward, you both need to lay things out on the table, so to speak. Learn to reset boundaries *and* reasonable expectations. Should your boyfriend choose to not get past this, it makes me wonder what would happen if something of serious importance would even come to pass. Neither failing to immediately answer a phone call while you were with friends nor not telling him that you had company at your house should have "destroyed" a rational, mentally healthy adult.
I agree. As much as I don't want to lose him and this relationship, if he is at a point after a week that he doesn't know where things stand then I think I need to force the issue. Or at least do what I can do to get things resolved or know that it is over. I am flying up to see him tomorrow. I haven't told him I'm coming, and I'm most likely not going to. At that point he can chose to see me or not. If not, then that will be it. At least then I will know I tried. I'm really trying to make myself realize that the outcome could more than likely not be what I want. But sitting back and waiting...well I don't know if that would help either. If he doesn't know if we are still together right now, then what the hell do I have to lose?
I agree. As much as I don't want to lose him and this relationship, if he is at a point after a week that he doesn't know where things stand then I think I need to force the issue. Or at least do what I can do to get things resolved or know that it is over. I am flying up to see him tomorrow. I haven't told him I'm coming, and I'm most likely not going to. At that point he can chose to see me or not. If not, then that will be it. At least then I will know I tried. I'm really trying to make myself realize that the outcome could more than likely not be what I want. But sitting back and waiting...well I don't know if that would help either. If he doesn't know if we are still together right now, then what the hell do I have to lose?
I do hope that you two can find a common headspace where you can talk and do a bit of a reset. You really didn't do anything that should have broken his trust--especially to the place where he let it escalate to deal-breaker status in his head.
It's just a hunch, but it's not hard to surmise that along with his depression and anxiety issues (both of which can let relatively simple situations blow far out of proportion), he might have a past history of being abandoned and/or having his trust broken by those who he felt as though he should have been able to trust.
Baggage: we all bring into our interpersonal relationships, but it's up to us as individuals to manage it as best as possible and not make other fully shoulder the load (with some bags being added without our knowledge or consent) on our behalf.
I do hope that you two can find a common headspace where you can talk and do a bit of a reset. You really didn't do anything that should have broken his trust--especially to the place where he let it escalate to deal-breaker status in his head.
It's just a hunch, but it's not hard to surmise that along with his depression and anxiety issues (both of which can let relatively simple situations blow far out of proportion), he might have a past history of being abandoned and/or having his trust broken by those who he felt as though he should have been able to trust.
Baggage: we all bring into our interpersonal relationships, but it's up to us as individuals to manage it as best as possible and not make other fully shoulder the load (with some bags being added without our knowledge or consent) on our behalf.
I'm wondering if he cheated on you at some point. Sometimes people who do bad things get paranoid that others will do the same to them.
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