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Old 05-17-2022, 08:54 AM
 
21 posts, read 14,962 times
Reputation: 27

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Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
Nah. That's not what we're talking about. What you said wasn't humorous. It just sounded down on yourself ("why would you like me? Nobody likes me") and even could have put her on the spot in more ways than one (nobody wants to have to come up with a list of reasons they want to talk to/spend time with someone, or, if she liked you, she might have to admit it outright when maybe she's not ready to be that overt). It could have even come across as defensive-- "why did you sit by me?" as if you didn't want her to.

There was no need to find out her intentions. Just talk with her and enjoy it.
I disagree. My statement was meant to get her to be real with me. I don't play "does she like me or not". This would be like me trying to figure out if Caroline voted for Trump (and may have). She won't tell me directly. So, I talk with her friend Matt and say: "Caroline told me she voted for Biden". And Matt acts surprised (you crazy!?) which tells me the answer.

Of course, I don't ask random people who they voted for. This was a parable. I do these things to filter out the ones who play games because it's not fun figuring out if someone likes me or not and testing the waters with flirting. It's a yes or no.

Last edited by Aspiesurvivor; 05-17-2022 at 09:21 AM..
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Old 05-17-2022, 09:40 AM
 
4,025 posts, read 3,256,066 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aspiesurvivor View Post
I disagree. My statement was meant to get her to be real with me. I don't play "does she like me or not". This would be like me trying to figure out if Caroline voted for Trump (and may have). She won't tell me directly. So, I talk with her friend Matt and say: "Caroline told me she voted for Biden". And Matt acts surprised (you crazy!?) which tells me the answer.

Of course, I don't ask random people who they voted for. This was a parable. I do these things to filter out the ones who play games because it's not fun figuring out if someone likes me or not and testing the waters with flirting. It's a yes or no.

At the time this woman made the decision to sit next to you, she might not have yet decided how she felt about you and yet she still wasn't playing a game with you either. Women generally want to spend more time around you and get to know you better before deciding whether they actually are attracted to you. So the fact that she sat with you once doesn't mean much yet. More likely she might have just been trying to make some new friends because she is new and doesn't know many people. With you its probably better to assume women are just looking for friends and not a boyfriend until they tell you otherwise. Let the women take the lead on romantic stuff with you.
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Old 05-17-2022, 09:55 AM
 
Location: Canada
11,755 posts, read 11,941,930 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato View Post
At the time this woman made the decision to sit next to you, she might not have yet decided how she felt about you and yet she still wasn't playing a game with you either. Women generally want to spend more time around you and get to know you better before deciding whether they actually are attracted to you. So the fact that she sat with you once doesn't mean much yet. More likely she might have just been trying to make some new friends because she is new and doesn't know many people. With you its probably better to assume women are just looking for friends and not a boyfriend until they tell you otherwise. Let the women take the lead on romantic stuff with you.
Good point.

I notice the OP completely edited his post before you responded. Unfortunately there is too much black and white thinking of "good person/bad person" and the OP doesn't understand the nuances of the grey in-between.
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Old 05-17-2022, 10:25 AM
 
21 posts, read 14,962 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katnan View Post
Good point.

I notice the OP completely edited his post before you responded. Unfortunately there is too much black and white thinking of "good person/bad person" and the OP doesn't understand the nuances of the grey in-between.
I edited the post from a frustrated and somewhat bitter view of people that do this to explaining how I handle cases of social nuance. This would be the second reason why I don't do flirting or teasing. It's about being playful to the point where you act like you're interested and it hurts if you really like the person but they enjoy flirting. Maybe they do it more with you: "I'm not sure. I think I like you, or not. Just don't text me back but please call me. Actually don't". Imagine you come to a theme park after not eating for 3 days and instead of getting food they put you on a roller coaster. Food would be the truth in this case.
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Old 05-17-2022, 10:41 AM
 
4,025 posts, read 3,256,066 times
Reputation: 6355
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aspiesurvivor View Post
I edited the post from a frustrated and somewhat bitter view of people that do this to explaining how I handle cases of social nuance. This would be the second reason why I don't do flirting or teasing. It's about being playful to the point where you act like you're interested and it hurts if you really like the person but they enjoy flirting. Maybe they do it more with you: "I'm not sure. I think I like you, or not. Just don't text me back but please call me. Actually don't". Imagine you come to a theme park after not eating for 3 days and instead of getting food they put you on a roller coaster. Food would be the truth in this case.
If you don't want to tease or flirt I get that. But women generally need to get to know you a while first before they decide if they are interested in you. So you need to let them get to know you first as a friend first. If she later decides she is interested in you, let her take the lead. Just assume she is a friend until she tells you otherwise.
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Old 05-17-2022, 12:17 PM
 
368 posts, read 209,335 times
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I have some experience with people who are well along the spectrum and am somewhere on it myself on the very mild end. Yes your attempts were bad, but the fact that you fully, acutely recognize them as cringe shows that you have a sense of humor, and saying it qualifies as cringe Olympics is a perfect example of self-deprecating humor, so you understand that also. Self-deprecation is an essential part of well-rounded humor but I wouldn't rely solely on that with women or lay it on too thick/too frequently. As SnazzyB suggested, since it seems like you have a heavier case, it might be good to seek out other people who are on the spectrum and relate better to your way of thinking and have a higher tolerance for awkwardness. One guy in particular who I am thinking of had success with that (he works at NASA and married a co-worker who is HFA/Aspergers); but I have also seen a crossover instance with a guy who was pretty severely on the spectrum date long-term and later marry someone who isn't.

Growing up I was a good athlete thankfully, and sports provided a harsher/less-forgiving environment at young age in which to learn social cues/dynamics that come to others more naturally or intuitively. So that helped me, and it might be helpful for an adult also; that or some other male social or work environment where people on spectrum are not in particularly high numbers. Don't know how old you are, but you might want to spend more time there to sharpen your social skills before diving into dating. I also found that my 'symptoms' went down noticeably and permanently after taking psychedelics (peyote, LSD) a few times, though I would never advise anyone to use them unless they feel called to do so.

Last edited by pclem; 05-17-2022 at 01:22 PM..
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Old 05-17-2022, 10:19 PM
 
6,378 posts, read 3,857,676 times
Reputation: 17020
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aspiesurvivor View Post
I disagree. My statement was meant to get her to be real with me. I don't play "does she like me or not". This would be like me trying to figure out if Caroline voted for Trump (and may have). She won't tell me directly. So, I talk with her friend Matt and say: "Caroline told me she voted for Biden". And Matt acts surprised (you crazy!?) which tells me the answer.

Of course, I don't ask random people who they voted for. This was a parable. I do these things to filter out the ones who play games because it's not fun figuring out if someone likes me or not and testing the waters with flirting. It's a yes or no.
That's... not really the way most relationships work, though.

There was no flirting here, no game playing. There was someone who may have been interested in you and spending time with you and getting to know you. What exactly do you find wrong with just talking with someone and getting to know them, that instead they have to answer the question right away about whether they're romantically interested in you? Are you one of those men who thinks a woman isn't worth your time of day unless you're going to hook up with her, and any time spent with her that doesn't lead to a relationship and/or sex is wasted?
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