Domains of your league (wife, attracted, older, attractive)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think people who are fixated on "leagues" and judging the value of people, may be shallow people who are fixated on appearance, achievement, status. It smacks of Narcissism, to me. Like "I am such a high calibre person and I will only associate with other high calibre people."
By the way I am not saying OP is a Narcissist at all. She seems like a nice person to me. She is only asking the questions. Doesn't mean she necessarily believes it herself or lives by it.
But I think if one is not getting pursued by anyone who is using appearance or status as the deciding factor on whether you are worthwhile enough, then, you probably dodged a bullet.
I am just imagining a guy on a date sizing me up like I am a show pony or something. Its dehumanizing
I would much prefer a guy to be just trying to connect with me. Talk about what we have in common. Common interests, life experiences, plans for the future. Do we laugh together? Is the conversation natural and fun?
That said, I think I get why OP is asking the questions. This is something a lot of people do think about when dating and base their interest level on. Maybe more so among certain age groups. Its a less wholesome time now, for people trying to partner up, than it was when my parents and grandparents were dating.
There is just in general much more Narcissistic thinking among people now. Probably because of social media and other factors.
OP, these phrases, "domains of your league" and "punching above my weight" are phrases I've never heard of.
“Punching above your weight” is common, I have even heard it here before. It just basically means you are trying to obtain something out of your league or out of your reach. But I made up “domains of your league” myself. LOL
I think people who are fixated on "leagues" and judging the value of people, may be shallow people who are fixated on appearance, achievement, status. It smacks of Narcissism, to me. Like "I am such a high calibre person and I will only associate with other high calibre people."
By the way I am not saying OP is a Narcissist at all. She seems like a nice person to me. She is only asking the questions. Doesn't mean she necessarily believes it herself or lives by it.
But I think if one is not getting pursued by anyone who is using appearance or status as the deciding factor on whether you are worthwhile enough, then, you probably dodged a bullet.
I am just imagining a guy on a date sizing me up like I am a show pony or something. Its dehumanizing
I would much prefer a guy to be just trying to connect with me. Talk about what we have in common. Common interests, life experiences, plans for the future. Do we laugh together? Is the conversation natural and fun?
That said, I think I get why OP is asking the questions. This is something a lot of people do think about when dating and base their interest level on. Maybe more so among certain age groups. Its a less wholesome time now, for people trying to partner up, than it was when my parents and grandparents were dating.
There is just in general much more Narcissistic thinking among people now. Probably because of social media and other factors.
Yeah, I totally agree... I would hate to go on a date that seems like a job interview....
I understand why people ghost and I am not attacking the people who do ghost people online, but one of the unintended consequences of ghosting especially when it happens to you a lot is that you realize you are doing something wrong, and you don't know why. It's at this point I think it's really easy to confuse cause and effect or just really misattribute why other people are doing what they are doing. I keep thinking of all of the guys that think women are agreeing to date them mostly for a chance to get a free meal and all of the things RbccL says to tease these guys (she is good at that). But it is also at this point, I think people search online for explanations and a lot of these people get sucked into the redpill if they are a guy or female dating strategies if they are a woman, I think both of them are fountains of misattribution. But it's really easy to get quite discombobulated today.
Do I think counseling is helpful? Yes. Do I think interacting with guys in person is a really good idea? Yes, but I think it is worthwhile to note that Special Guest is also trying to do both of those things too. She hasn't dropped out of the dating pool, and she has not written off seeing a therapist either, last I read she was searching for another shrink.
I also do understand when you are feeling discombobulated, trying to get a better handle on what are guys motivations here, especially when she reads stuff online about some pretty disconcerting male dating behaviors like "pumping and dumping". That language is so dehumanizing, I can really understand why someone wants to take steps to protect themselves from that. I can also understand when you don't feel like you have adequate tools to protect yourself from behaviors like that, that dating itself might also involve a lot more anxiety and trepidation. I know I am not the only person here who has talked about dating going best when you are relaxed and having fun and there is a tension between being relaxed and having fun, while actually feeling anxiety and trepidation that she probably wants to resolve, which I suspect was the underlying reason for this thread.
It's an issue. When there is no progress made, it is time to step away from dating and find a new therapist, but I doubt that will happen for the reasons EP45 states.
I do not believe "there is a lid for every pot" either, and tend to doubt there is one for the OP. The way I see it, there is too much focus on what they can get out of others for themselves by going through motions, steps, and strategies, rather than on genuine self-improvement. People do not like to be "gamed," but the OP keeps gaming, and so the OP will keep going nowhere with any of it and wondering why.
There seems to be an explosion of autism like thinking with many young people today. Mostly among young men but some women too.
There's a very formulaic paint by numbers thinking that many seem to have, nuisance and tone doesn't seem to be in the forefront of some people's thought processes. Much communication occurs non-verbally or through no communication at all.
I think people who are fixated on "leagues" and judging the value of people, may be shallow people who are fixated on appearance, achievement, status. It smacks of Narcissism, to me. Like "I am such a high calibre person and I will only associate with other high calibre people."
By the way I am not saying OP is a Narcissist at all. She seems like a nice person to me. She is only asking the questions. Doesn't mean she necessarily believes it herself or lives by it.
But I think if one is not getting pursued by anyone who is using appearance or status as the deciding factor on whether you are worthwhile enough, then, you probably dodged a bullet.
I am just imagining a guy on a date sizing me up like I am a show pony or something. Its dehumanizing
I would much prefer a guy to be just trying to connect with me. Talk about what we have in common. Common interests, life experiences, plans for the future. Do we laugh together? Is the conversation natural and fun?
That said, I think I get why OP is asking the questions. This is something a lot of people do think about when dating and base their interest level on. Maybe more so among certain age groups. Its a less wholesome time now, for people trying to partner up, than it was when my parents and grandparents were dating.
There is just in general much more Narcissistic thinking among people now. Probably because of social media and other factors.
I have to push back on the bolded part.
There is no way dating was more wholesome back then. Back then, there were strict parameters and even laws on who you can or can't date (mostly can't). Today, people are exponentially more openminded, accepting, and tolerant. For example, would a white girl more likely to consider being with a Black or Asian guy THEN; or NOW. -And while the term league may not have existed in this context then, it really is the same thing.
I admit to feeling dirty for even pondering the notion of leagues. I, myself, put no parameters whatsoever on relationships. But I also can't ignore that the notion does persist in society.
I understand why people ghost and I am not attacking the people who do ghost people online, but one of the unintended consequences of ghosting especially when it happens to you a lot is that you realize you are doing something wrong, and you don't know why. It's at this point I think it's really easy to confuse cause and effect or just really misattribute why other people are doing what they are doing. I keep thinking of all of the guys that think women are agreeing to date them mostly for a chance to get a free meal and all of the things RbccL says to tease these guys (she is good at that). But it is also at this point, I think people search online for explanations and a lot of these people get sucked into the redpill if they are a guy or female dating strategies if they are a woman, I think both of them are fountains of misattribution. But it's really easy to get quite discombobulated today.
Do I think counseling is helpful? Yes. Do I think interacting with guys in person is a really good idea? Yes, but I think it is worthwhile to note that Special Guest is also trying to do both of those things too. She hasn't dropped out of the dating pool, and she has not written off seeing a therapist either, last I read she was searching for another shrink.
I also do understand when you are feeling discombobulated, trying to get a better handle on what are guys motivations here, especially when she reads stuff online about some pretty disconcerting male dating behaviors like "pumping and dumping". That language is so dehumanizing, I can really understand why someone wants to take steps to protect themselves from that. I can also understand when you don't feel like you have adequate tools to protect yourself from behaviors like that, that dating itself might also involve a lot more anxiety and trepidation. I know I am not the only person here who has talked about dating going best when you are relaxed and having fun and there is a tension between being relaxed and having fun, while actually feeling anxiety and trepidation that she probably wants to resolve, which I suspect was the underlying reason for this thread.
I agree, its a side effect from spending too much time online. People who spend a lot of time on a forum like this, I am guessing, also spend time on other forums, and places online where "toxic" opinions are expressed.
So it becomes a feedback loop.
Its also a question of what came first, the chicken or the egg? Are people online because they have lacked success in dating, or do they lack success in dating because they are online too much?
I know people who do not spend any time online. Have never read or posted on a forum. Have never used OLD. They are too busy actually living. The thing they might still do is social media like Instagram and Facebook. But that's so pervasive. Otherwise they just aren't spending any time reading or thinking about these toxic belief systems of "leagues" and "mgtow" and "red pill" nor listening to the advice of dating gurus who are trying to make a buck from the lovelorn and whose success rate is questionable.
But the people who aren't online are possibly a small minority. These tend to be very extraverted people, well adjusted socially, never experienced any issues making friends or getting into healthy relationships.
Many people will experience some difficulty. The shy, introverted, people who were bullied in school early on, or people who struggle with attachment issues that make it harder to form healthy bonds.
And what I just described probably makes up about 75% of people, who will experience some social difficulty at some point.
Its not rare and not something to be ashamed about.
Anybody who is asking questions and introspecting is making steps in the right direction.
Hopefully most people have enough critical thinking skills to be able to look at a "toxic" perspective and go "hmmmm is that right?"
Though if it validates for someone, "See, the problem isn't me! Its everyone else!". That validation can feel so good, that critical thinking can go out the window.
Its a process. But continuing to work on it rather than giving up is preferable.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
