Boyfriend's way to talk about my looks feels bad and insulting (husband, sex)
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OP, why are you still with this guy? Because of the good things in the relationship, and because breaking up isn't easy? This type of thinking is what abused women say. "He sometimes hits me, but he's so sweet when he's in a good mood". That type of reasoning is typical: they ignore the abuse (in your case, it's emotional abuse), and focus on the good moments. Consistently making you feel wrong and crazy is a known psychological dominance strategy. In the US (you sound like you're in Europe somewhere?) it's called "gaslighting". It's about denying the partner's reality, and deliberately making them feel that their perceptions are way off, unconnected with reality. It's a type of psychological abuse.
Earlier you said this:
OP, he knew it was not ok all along. No one in their right mind would think that's ok. When you spoke to him about it, he may have pretended he was only understanding it for the first time, but if so, that was an act he was putting on.
This is a toxic person. No matter how good the good moments or days are, there will always be those psychologically manipulative times. This is not what love looks like. Please think about that. It's possible to experience love and support without putting up with emotional abuse in the same package. There are plenty of men out there who could give you sincere love without the abuse.
It sounds like, if you were to tell him you're breaking up and why, he would argue with you, and make you feel like you're imagining things and are wrong about how you feel. Don't let him challenge you. You don't need him to agree with your reasons for breaking up; you only need to make an announcement, and leave. Hopefully, you have the financial means to arrange for your own place to live.
I'm getting a little worried, that if you were to leave, or to simply tell him you're breaking up, a different side of him might come out. The gaslighting is about control. He's trying to control you by wearing down your self-esteem. Does he also try to separate you from your friends? That's another control tactic that in some cases is combined with methods to undermine a partner's self-esteem.
I'm concerned that the control might escalate, if you say you're leaving. It would feel to him like a tremendous loss of control for him. This might cause him to lash out. I'm thinking perhaps it might be best for you to arrange your own apartment, then leave unannounced, when he's away, for your own safety.
I realize this may be difficult to read, especially the part about leaving and your safety. You may not feel like the situation has reached that stage, or you may not be ready to assert yourself in that way, or you may believe he would never harm you. (Though he already is deliberately trying to harm you, through the gaslighting. His are not merely thoughtless comments; they are deliberate and calculated to have a certain effect.) But the day will come, sooner or later, I think, when you realize you've had enough.
Thank you for this update, and for reaching out. Have you discussed this with any friends? Having support in situations like this is important.
Ruthie, this response KNOCKS it OUT OF THE PARK!
To the OP: Please, please, PLEASE takes Ruthie's sound yet compassionate advice here.
So many abused women don't leave their partners when they should because they "love" their partners. What they don't understand--or want to believe-- is that their partners don't love THEM. They often accept "breadcrumbs" as a sign of "love."
You just said yesterday, " I need outsider opinions on these situations, because he makes me feel that these things are really ok to say...
You already KNOW these things are NOT o.k. to say, otherwise, you wouldn't BE here on CitiData. If you knew they were o.k., you wouldn't give them a second thought.
No woman wants to believe that they're in an abusive relationship. If your boyfriend puts you down that way, the IS being abusive. You can't tell him he's being abusive, because he'll only deny it. Just like abused people don't like to believe they're being abused, abusive people don't want to admit that they've abusive.
The only person who can stop this is YOU. You mentioned that he's in YOUR apartment. If he's not on the lease, you can get him out. But you DO have to stop listening to his insults. They are intended to put you down to a point that you rely on HIS opinion of you...and not your own.
Stick to your own truth. Don't rely on HIS words. They're lies.
And please don't stay with him because of how YOU feel about HIM. Consider how HE feels about YOU. And now that he's told you the truth, you already know what to do...
I feel like my boyfriend has some need to put me down.
If I tell him that some guy smiled me at the street, he asks "Really, even you are looking like that?"
When we were watching some nonsense videoclip where people were ranking each others by looks, he said that he would rank me as 6.
When I showed pictures with my friends kid, he said "Is that really you? Really nice picture. I couldn't regonice you from that". Then he started to talk about how he didin't regonice me from my* Facebook profile picture either, and that's really nice photo of me, usualy profile pictures are. I don't use photoshop or filters.
When I'v been talking about how insulting these kind of comments are, he just can't see it. My self-esteem is not going to be damaged from he's words but I think that that kind of behavior is to damaging our relationship. I woul like to feel loved and respected, but this feels just bad and unrespectful.
Any opinions? All these comments have been said within a month, and none of these would be so bad if they were the only ones. He calls me beatifull when I'm wearing lots of makeup or just before he wants sex.
You think your self esteem won't take a hit from all this but it most certainly will. If he makes you feel bad about yourself or makes you unhappy by the things he says, then maybe it's time to take a closer look at what you two are all about. You have the built in dagger like everyone else, and your gut feels it every time he hurts you. This gut feeling is put there for a reason, so that we can use it as a tool to tell if we are really happy. If your gut feeling tells you to get out of the relationship, then do it. But you do need to be honest with him and explain that you have made a decision to end the relationship and it has to do with the things he says to you. People are due this explanation so that they can learn from their mistakes going into their next relationship. Any time you are not in emotional "peace" you should just be single.
Not going to read through all the replies so if I repeat anything, I apologize. You need to dump him. Your partner should bring you up, not down. A boyfriend should tell his girlfriend how beautiful she is, and not just when he wants sex or something else.
I think you should feel proud for standing up for yourself. It's like in the movies: vampires have to be invited in. If you don't let them into your life, they can't bleed you dry. A lot of people will put up with the situation so they have someone, but there are worse things than being alone.
As long as you were with him, you were "off the market." Maybe now that you're available again, you can find someone who appreciates you and deserves you. Good luck!
I feel less stressed and free, but not more or less better about myself. That's something that doesn't change by other's words .
I came late to this thread, but I would have been saying. How long have you stayed w/ this stupid loser because that's definitely NOT how a man who loves his lady should behave. I've said it before & I'll say it again, I'll very, very, very gladly stay alone if these are the only men there are in the world. I'll be a hell of a LOT happier, who needs these ____ if they're going to be like that.
Please, please in the future, don't move in w/ someone so fast. You probably stayed in it a lot longer than you should have because he lived w/ you & you were wondering how to get him out, etc. If you had your own places still, you could have dropped him just like that & never contactecd him again just like that in a matter of seconds literally, so please...DON'T move in together fast, don't have sex w/ him too soon, etc. Really know the person.
If it were up to me, no one would move in w/ each other any sooner than a YEAR of dating at the soonest. & I wish I could say that for having sex too, but it seems no one waits like that anymore.
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