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Hi all:
I'm looking for opinions/experience related to expectations one should have when starting an online relationship.
I met a man online who appears to be very compatible with me and we've been getting acquainted from a distance daily through texts and long phone calls (sometimes twice a day) on a daily basis. We're both the same age (retirement age) and both have health issues that limit our ability to travel long distances, but we will meet halfway later this year, hopefully. In the meantime, we are very happy and getting closer every day.
It seems very whirlwind in nature, almost like we're beginning a very serious relationship. He tells me he is crazy about me and says it's been a long time, if ever, since he has felt this way. He even asked me to be in a relationship with him and I said yes. Many of the conversations we've had center around future possibilities like cohabitation, our finances, etc. He has also sent me multiple pictures of his family--present and deceased as well as telling me he told his brother all about me and how happy his brother is that he found someone.
All good so far, albeit a little fast and maybe premature since we haven't met.
Now comes the worrisome part. Sometimes he appears distracted during texts and I end up just ending the text. Similarly, he will beg off calling me on a Friday or Saturday evening, texting me around 6 or so that he is tired and he is going to bed early. Last weekend he was particularly distant which prompted me to take a look at a dating site he told me he used in the past. Unfortunately, a search led me to his profile which not only was active but he was online using the service. Yikes! Shortly after he texted me and asked to call me.
I watched the screen as his status changed from "active" as he left the site. So yes, it's an active profle and he was on using it. I felt pretty awful.
I didn't confront him, after all--we haven't even met, and we aren't married or engaged! But he treats me like a serious relationship, and I have developed feelings for him, and I thought, by what he says he did also.
I did ask him about his past experience at that site during the conversation that day and when asked how long ago he was on it, he said a few years ago. I asked if he had used it since, just for fun and he said no.
I asked him further if he thought we should agree to not see others until we meet and decide what's next and he agreed. Since that conversation, he has been on that dating site every day. I'm not stalking him---I just check his profile and it says the last time he was active.
So, my feeling is if we were very casual and haven't met yet, his use of the dating site is reasonable but given the intensity of our connection (that he seems to initiate), his use of the dating site AND his lying about it is a huge red flag.
Not sure how to handle this. I sincerely like him a lot and hoped we would be a real-life couple but now I'm afraid I've connected with a man who will break my heart.
Reality check. He is not treating you like a serious relationship because he is still on the dating site.
How were your relationships in the past? Were they good ones? Because I can't imagine why you think this is a real relationship, or why trying to have a long distance relationship is a good thing. You are retirement age. You should know how to weed out the undesirables by now.
MercedesBoy......I'm having a hard time with this. I can't understand how he can spend the amount of time he does with me day to day and still need to check out the dating site and maybe be meeting people locally. Maybe he is covering himself in case this doesn't pan out. He has described being rejected from his past dating site experiences or just seeing some of the dates 1 or 2 times. He said I might meet him and he won't be my cup of tea. What also bothered me is when I was asking questions, he said I sounded insecure....which seemed like a way to get me to back off or make me feel foolish or jealous.
No--I just like to put my cards on the table.
MercedesBoy......I'm having a hard time with this. I can't understand how he can spend the amount of time he does with me day to day and still need to check out the dating site and maybe be meeting people locally. Maybe he is covering himself in case this doesn't pan out. He has described being rejected from his past dating site experiences or just seeing some of the dates 1 or 2 times. He said I might meet him and he won't be my cup of tea. What also bothered me is when I was asking questions, he said I sounded insecure....which seemed like a way to get me to back off or make me feel foolish or jealous.
No--I just like to put my cards on the table.
"Insecure?"
Sounds like he's trying to throw it back at you like it's your fault--when he is the one who is fooling around with his profile. Like I said, he might actually want a relationship with you but, he has already shown he is not to be trusted. If you do linkup, just be prepared for some unexpected bombshells throughout your relationship. Trust me, being active on his profile when he says he isn't, is just the tip of the iceberg. Best of luck with your decision.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E-Twist
Reality check. He is not treating you like a serious relationship because he is still on the dating site.
Reality check. They never have had a date and have no relationship. Just idle chattering with a rando online.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PittsburghPatty
MercedesBoy......I'm having a hard time with this. I can't understand how he can spend the amount of time he does with me day to day and still need to check out the dating site and maybe be meeting people locally. .
You should be doing the same thing. Trying to meet people locally and actually having a date. It's kind of the entire point of dating sites.
What this is here is a modern version of a pen pal.
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