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What's funny, is when a younger person wants a "bad boy/girl."
Then, when they have a pistol shoved in their nostril, they come to the realization, that "maybe this wasn't such a good idea..."
Or perhaps not, as many will go back for seconds (thirds, fourths, etc.?).
Some people can be very stubborn... doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
And I think - surely this will be hotly contested - that some, if not most, of those who go for 'bad' people deep down, even subconsciously, genuinely believe that they do not deserve any better.
So that should be a cue to the 'good' people who are rejected - you just very well may have dodged a bullet... or even a cannonball when that person gave you the 'no'.
"Bad" to me is how they treat people... and I'll tell yah... people with tattoos with a certain "zest" for life certainly don't corner the market for being a-holes.
I am one of those that fall for what many would see superficially as the "bad" girls... I also have a buddy of mine who some would say looks like a biker or skinhead.... Nicest people I've known if you have the privilege of their respect and friendship. The type that knocks on his elderly neighbor's door to see if she needed help with anything (ex. A/C installed in windows when it starts to get hot or removed for winter). They are the types that would go down to the mat for you.... show up to help with heavy lifting and only expect a handshake.
As for me... I don't date a-holes so none of the women I date are "bad" in that respect even though many would judge them in that way.
I also had an issue with a close friend's guy she was dating... biggest a-hole on earth.. clean cut no tattoos guy too... The type that is entitled and would threaten people if he didn't get his way. The type that needs his rear end kicked to keep him in line. Absolutely no respect even for her.... I hated her for bringing him into our circle of friends.
So yeah... The whole saying "don't judge a book by its cover" applies.
A lot of times the “attraction” I’ve felt for Bad Boys or Thugs as my friend likes to tell me, is more of a familiarity than attraction. I’ve had the feeling like I must know this guy from somewhere, we really click! I think he’s hilarious while everyone else shakes their head.
And I do know him, someone just like him, the last guy I fell for. Strong silent, slam the door, drive off on his motorcycle or peel out in his truck. Giving someone the finger or calling them a horrible name…”oh he doesnt mean anything by that”. I’m always defending one.
It’s this feeling of familiarity that makes me think there’s something special going on. Of course I know better I’m too old not to know better, but I’m not hurting anyone and we all have flaws for someone to overlook.
And nice guys aren’t as nice as they proclaim to be anyway, look at the examples we have here, some very judge-y and critical, some sense of superiority, these things I don’t find attractive. I don’t even know what they look like, so how can it be their outside?
Can't rep you again, but I am giving you props for your post!
This whole thing irritates the hell out of me. And not even necessarily because of all of the wonderful men I've known who look superficially "bad" or the total dirtbag dudebro predators I've known who look like they'd fit in at the Country Club.
No the most irritating aspect of this is how it's framed.
Let us analyze men-as-people with these varying traits, because men are individuals.
Then talk about women in the sense of "why do women..." Not as individuals. You are not ready to dig into the fact that each woman had a different experience growing up that shaped her to be this or that, but rather as something like a mindless animal herd driven by instinct.
In order for me to tell you why any one individual woman chooses to be with the men (if she's even into men) that she does, I'd have to talk to each of them, get a feel for their life story, and get back to you. And there will be a paragraph for each woman I speak with, so perhaps I'll have to publish a periodical that ya'll can subscribe to.
This woman dates biker types because her father and her uncles were part of that culture and members of motorcycle clubs and they raised her with love and she always felt safe and protected by the culture.
That woman is attracted to dudes with prison-looking face tattoos because she grew up adopted by a religious fundie family along with about half a dozen other foreign children and was molested and abused. She is now in her early 20s, and she's got BPD, is really into self harm, and is just kinda full of hate and destruction for everyone. (This is a real person, btw. She was banned from my home after threatening to kill my cat.) Humanity has failed her and she has no faith in her own worth or that of literally anyone else, either. Also, she is studying to be a psychologist.
Then there are the young women who aren't exactly going and targeting and selecting guys (bad or otherwise) but rather passively waiting to see what guys are attracted to THEM, and who wind up with just the first one to behave with assertive interest towards her. She did not notice the shy guy for the "bad boy" who was in her face demanding her phone number.
Why does any particular PERSON do any particular thing? I dunno, ask them.
And with all due respect to those saying that their judgmental attitude makes them happy (good for you!) I bring this perspective as somebody who has been massively social for most of my life, someone who in person is one of those "so easy to talk to" types who gets others opening up and telling me their life stories all the time, and I feel that while I'm not interested in speaking to the "norm" I can certainly speak to the tremendous variety of what is possible. And what brings other people to where they are, making the choices that they make.
And I can also tell you that superficial appearances and inner worth have very little to do with one another.
So truly "bad" to me has nothing to do with motorcycles or tattoos. It's not the 1950s and I don't form my opinion of the world based on movies and TV. BAD is about not only being generally law abiding but also responsible and ethical. And just like in every single group of people I've ever encountered, in a biker gang or a church congregation...there's some good and there's some bad. Though the churchgoers might be more invested in the IMAGE of goodness, and the bikers the opposite. I cannot imagine being such a gullible fool as to assume I know what someone is all about just from a glance at their fashion choices. Like who are you, so that I can put on a nice cardigan and rob you blind? Sheesh.
Though I also have to laugh at myself because as I've mentioned here and there, when I was fresh out of my divorce and dating, I didn't really know for sure what I was looking for. I assumed it was something like what I was into in high school...and yeah that was the "bad" looking boys who were real people to me back then and not a bunch of crappy entitled "nice guy" clean cut bully-boys. (See: the tropes from the recent season of Stranger Things. I dated Eddies in high school.) But what I discovered in the adult world of guys in their 30s-50s was that the weird looking ones were actually pretty boring. The personality did not live up to the image. The ones I was meeting...just weren't all that interesting beyond their surface appearances. Then I met a couple of dudes who were normal to LOOK at but highly unusual in their personalities and I ended up marrying one of them.
So my point is that not judging books by covers goes both ways, you can have a bias that "bad boy" look = "actual bad person" and be wrong... Or like me, the opposite, that "bad boy" look = depth of character, well read, doesn't act like your cookie cutter "me and the bros are gonna drink beer and hit on chicks and beat up nerds hurr hurr" type... ...and be JUST as wrong! And wind up with a dude who looks like somebody's middle aged Dad on vacation but is a highly intelligent and very philosophical person of incredible depth and a wide array of interesting experiences and stories to share. He looks like he's obsessed with football and his front lawn, but nothing could be further from the truth.
My last ex was so excited about getting his first motorcycle, about two years into our relationship. He got pumped about which leather jacket to get, which helmet - this same guy is the most thoughtful, considerate, humble guy I know. Not a tattoo to be found, and never will. Never tasted alcohol, never took a puff of a cigarette in all his years. Works two jobs, chemical engineering and his own private venture. Owns a three story beachfront home.
My current squeeze has body art all over his arms, shoulders, chest, back...ripped like Mr. America. He is also a published author, and is a huge fan of silent movies. I can talk about anything under the sun with him - he speaks three languages.
What's the point? That no one should be judged by looks alone. Every person is an individual. I've dated a wide variety of guys. The one "type" I've never been able to stomach? Eeyore.
Can't rep you again, but I am giving you props for your post!
Thanks, just explaining from one person’s pov, it’s not necessarily attraction to abuse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me
My last ex was so excited about getting his first motorcycle, about two years into our relationship. He got pumped about which leather jacket to get, which helmet - this same guy is the most thoughtful, considerate, humble guy I know. Not a tattoo to be found, and never will. Never tasted alcohol, never took a puff of a cigarette in all his years. Works two jobs, chemical engineering and his own private venture. Owns a three story beachfront home.
My current squeeze has body art all over his arms, shoulders, chest, back...ripped like Mr. America. He is also a published author, and is a huge fan of silent movies. I can talk about anything under the sun with him - he speaks three languages.
What's the point? That no one should be judged by looks alone. Every person is an individual. I've dated a wide variety of guys. The one "type" I've never been able to stomach? Eeyore.
Exactly! I’m picturing a guy with sleeves and chest like a work of art, owns 2 restaurants and handed out free food during the first days of Covid lockdown. Fights for what’s right.
Congratulations to you! And lol@ eyeore, not drawn to that or chuckle doll chasing straw men with a hatchet.
I see a lot of people that may think a bad boy is someone that for example has lots of tattoos, maybe gets in troube, drives a motorcycle and acts impulsively.. A “bad girl” also has lots of tattoos, maybe has a potty and dresses with a lot of skin showing, attitude, etc
But is this really “bad”? Maybe “bad” is stuff like grinding out a nice retirement account, owning a home, eating healthy and just being a “normie” that plans ahead with foresight? That stuff takes will power. Acting impulsively is something that is pretty easy for anyone to do.
This is just something I’ve thought about when it comes to what some people find attractive in the dating world.
What I find attractive in that sense of "bad" is someone with the emotional stability to let go of the past, not hold grudges, and even forgive and maybe seek to understand those who have hurt them. Not to accept the behavior, but just to let go of the ire. Leaving those people in the past and not letting them influence your emotions.
We have all been hurt, rejected, treated unjustly at times, been used, lied to, taken advantage of. But only a few people hang on to that pain and refuse to let go. Becoming caught up in rage and maybe even vengeance. When I notice that in someone. Hoo boy, huge red flag. Especially when they start going off on tangents about it and using it as an excuse to hurt others. I have known one or two like this and their pain was obvious but also highly dysfunctional and frightening to be around. Unbalanced.
What is so sexy is that ability to be like "Yeah, stuff happens. Stuff went down. But that's in the past. The future is a clean slate. Lets let go of old grievances."
To me, "bad" is someone who breaks the law, is abusive, cheats, lies, etc.
Tattoos are so common these days, it's a non-issue unless he's got something like a swastika or gang-banger tattoos. The idea of a motorcycle being "bad" is ridiculous to me. Not long ago I went to a funeral of someone I used to work with. I'm white collar and fly a desk, and so did he. Real buttoned-up kind of guy. I never even knew he rode. Turns out he belonged to a Christian motorcycle club.
As for cussing, a few years ago there was a study linking cussing with honesty, so there's that. Eff 'em if they can't take a joke.
Bad boy isn't looks or style. It's about behavior.
Bad boys can "look" like anything. How they treat themselves and other people is what makes them dangerously appealing bad boys.
Not a type that appealed to me.
This is it. Being a "bad boy" is about the type of person they ARE, not necessarily how they look.
My fiancé had tats, dreads, and a walk and stance that made him look super tough. Trust me, he did not take any crap from people that were nasty, but he was so kind to others. He would help anyone, truly.
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