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It's been a very long day today and while all is not lost, she couldn't accept the proposal yet. She admitted to overreacting on her part but really thought I was going to hurt her again like last time, had flashbacks and left. Finding out it was a real proposal and seeing the proof was the only reason she came back.
She's putting things on hold at this moment, wants me to keep the ring and ask again in a year from now. She'll make a final decision by then. If she's ready sooner, she'll tell me to ask again but for the meantime only refer to her as my gf.
She can't accept it now due to my past pranking history and carefree attitude. She pointed out that a month before the hurtful proposal prank that made her feel insecured in the relationship, I've made jokes about having Covid too (faking coughing) and acted inconsiderate towards others, had a history of sometimes being late to our dates, sometimes delay on paying some bills and doing things at the last minute even when I had enough time. Meanwhile I've stopped doing pranks and improving, she said I need to change more before she considers marriage. I admit, I was unpunctual with my last bill last month. Lastly, she doesn't really care about the ring nor the cost but thought my proposal was lame and it lacked creativity and enthusiasm, as if I wasn't even trying. She couldn't understand why I was creative with the fake proposal but couldn't do the same with the real proposal, put more effort into it.
Eh...this sounds to me like an excuse.
I am not saying that what you did wasn't a massive jackarse move...because it was. You don't 'prank' a marriage proposal. WTH, man? Do you have any idea how very seriously girls take those things? You got her all mushy and hopeful and excited and then yell 'prank!'? I'm surprised she stayed with you. That's just cruel, and not funny in any way, and that's coming from someone who loves pranks - innocent pranks that don't hurt people! You hurt that girl's feelings, and you embarrassed her.
As for how she acted this time, and what you said above, sounds to me like she would have said, 'No', but decided, instead, to run off.
It is possible to get over this, but have you acknowledged hurting her feelings and, very importantly, embarrassing her? Yes, it has been 2 years, but if you never acknowledged both of those things, just said, 'I'm so sorry', you really didn't do much.
Maybe she'll say 'prank' to you, tomorrow.
But even bigger than all of that, you put a ton of effort into the prank, but when you really meant it, you didn't.
Take a moment to think how that makes her feel about the whole thing. For your YouTube channel, you'll put in everything, but for no audience...meh. Here's a ring, hey, how about we get hitched?
Take a moment to think how that makes her feel about the whole thing. For your YouTube channel, you'll put in everything, but for no audience...meh. Here's a ring, hey, how about we get hitched?
Come on, man.
I understand and agree with you on that one. If I get the chance to do it over, I'll make it more special, mentioned all the hardships; everything will be included. By now I already know she would hate it in public with too much people and or at the same park we go to; she would want it at a different place and in private. I'll make that day all about her. It would be even better than worthless Youtube scripts, much better than the horrible prank. The propsal prank was pure scripts from other videos, none of it was my original work, not even the presentation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
Oh god, I just had a horrible thought. Did you film this fake proposal and plan to post it on YT?
Ok I'm about to perhaps say the most stupidest thing ever, please read:
I was filming it but upon seeing her negative reaction, I stopped it and deleted it forever so no I didn't post the video. The video is gone, doesn't exist anymore. I was naive and stupid enought to believe the reaction on the other fake proposal videos (an ''oh you're such a jerk but I'll get you back on this, I'll prank you back'' but neither of those girls were crying) was going to be her reaction. Those videos kept getting several subcribers and some fame that it surprised me.
OP, if you care about this girl, I urge you to see a psychologist and get evaluated. What you did is not neurotypical and demonstrated a real disconnect between fiction and reality. If yours is a neurological problem (which I believe it is, I've seen it many times) then you will need to get some coaching before entering into marriage. Your impulsivity and lack of understanding about human emotions will be dangerous to your relationship.
OP, if you care about this girl, I urge you to see a psychologist and get evaluated. What you did is not neurotypical and demonstrated a real disconnect between fiction and reality. If yours is a neurological problem (which I believe it is, I've seen it many times) then you will need to get some coaching before entering into marriage. Your impulsivity and lack of understanding about human emotions will be dangerous to your relationship.
Regardless of the level of the OP's neurodiversity, it is troubling that after four years in a relationship he does have to be reminded of and pointed to the ways that he should be empathetic to his own girlfriend. He should want to make her happy, and know her well enough to be able to anticipate how to do that, rather than performing things that he's seen on YouTube and needing other people to tell him what to do and say.
OP, if you care about this girl, I urge you to see a psychologist and get evaluated. What you did is not neurotypical and demonstrated a real disconnect between fiction and reality. If yours is a neurological problem (which I believe it is, I've seen it many times) then you will need to get some coaching before entering into marriage. Your impulsivity and lack of understanding about human emotions will be dangerous to your relationship.
I was actually looking at a list of a couple providers in my area. Hopefully they have availability on the weekends. Going to call them in a bit. I've never been evaluated before but I don't think it would be surprising if they find something. It's possibly likely they will find something considering my parents are much older than the average parents. They were trying to conceive for many years and treatments failed. They gave up, stopped trying and suddenly their miracle baby (that's what they still call me) was born. My mom was 42 and dad 46; now they're 68 and 72.
I know I have a lot to work on. I have to work on myself too.
I was actually looking at a list of a couple providers in my area. Hopefully they have availability on the weekends. Going to call them in a bit. I've never been evaluated before but I don't think it would be surprising if they find something. It's possibly likely they will find something considering my parents are much older than the average parents. They were trying to conceive for many years and treatments failed. They gave up, stopped trying and suddenly their miracle baby (that's what they still call me) was born. My mom was 42 and dad 46; now they're 68 and 72.
I know I have a lot to work on. I have to work on myself too.
Good man! Your girlfriend will thank you for being proactive in becoming a more understanding partner.
I understand and agree with you on that one. If I get the chance to do it over, I'll make it more special, mentioned all the hardships; everything will be included. By now I already know she would hate it in public with too much people and or at the same park we go to; she would want it at a different place and in private. I'll make that day all about her. It would be even better than worthless Youtube scripts, much better than the horrible prank. The propsal prank was pure scripts from other videos, none of it was my original work, not even the presentation...
Doesn't matter if the scripts were copied, you did it.
For the real thing, the first thing you need to do is take life a little more seriously. There's nothing wrong with 'carefree', but it does say to people that you feel tied to no obligations. So, 'let's get married' and 'I'm carefree' don't exactly mesh well.
Pay your bills on time. Work hard so that you can do that, not only for your own peace of mind, but also to show her, 'Hey, I can be serious and take care of business'. A marriage is a team, and if one person isn't participating...well, it doesn't usually last.
You can still be fun, and take things with humor - that's not a problem. Being open to doing pretty much anything the other wants to do is also okay, to a point. You can make decisions, too. This:
Her: "What do you want to do, today?"
You: "What do YOU want to do?"
Her: "I really want to go to the beach today and just play in the water."
You: "Then, let's go!"
Is a good idea, SOME times, not ALL the time. Sometimes, you come up with 'what to do today'.
This is not a scenario to take literally, it's an example of what I mean when I say 'you need to make decisions, too'.
ACT like a team before asking her to be your teammate for the rest of your lives.
I agree that proposing in front of a lot of people isn't always the best way to do it. It puts people on the spot, and it, too, can be embarrassing for some. I would absolutely HATE it.
So, you're not going to write a script, but you're going to take some time to write down WHAT it is that you love about her. What makes her special over everyone else? What are those little quirks and characteristics that you adore so much? What are some of her favorite things that most people may not know? Has she ever talked about going somewhere, or was there some place you both went together that you really both loved and couldn't wait to come back to? Is she into art, music, acting...whatever? Does she like mysteries (reading)? Does she love science and math? Show her that you know a lot about her, and use what you know to make a very creative proposal. Make it personal, not generic 'marriage proposal' - make it so that it would match no one else but her.
After what you did before, I think she deserves that kind of effort.
Regardless of the level of the OP's neurodiversity, it is troubling that after four years in a relationship he does have to be reminded of and pointed to the ways that he should be empathetic to his own girlfriend. He should want to make her happy, and know her well enough to be able to anticipate how to do that, rather than performing things that he's seen on YouTube and needing other people to tell him what to do and say.
Well, in this crazy situation, I think the neurodiversity (ND) is very significant because it can make a huge difference. In fact, it is possible that both individuals are ND with such amazing tolerance.
First, remember that ND has a whole spectrum and it doesn't mean you're necessarily low functioning. There are many high functioning people who are ND that don't disclose and there are slowly more programs built to look for these kind of people because they naturally think differently and sometimes may have good ideas that the normal person might not. Being ND means struggling with socially related things, even if minor.
OP, just because you're doing well functionally doesn't mean that you won't still mess up socially. This kind of social mess up and the fact that you were in your own bubble to do it could be an indication that you have a minor feel of being ND, and would be worth looking into if possible within a reasonable cost for you.
If you are considered ND, what you can do is write this girlfriend of yours, tell her that you investigated yourself, show her proof from an official of your diagnosis if applicable, and show her that you have started to recognize her tolerance of some of your very unacceptable behavior. Also, start therapy for yourself and also mention this in your letter. You can say you started therapy for yourself and she is welcome to join you if she wishes.
Your girlfriend might be ND, but whether she is ND or not has nothing to do with this situation.
If you can't go through all that and take that risk, save yourself both the trouble and move on.
And yes, if you take that risk, it might turn out you're not ND or that she won't accept you despite a well written apology and understanding of yourself.
You have to accept all these possibilities and make this kind of effort if you want to try to earn her trust back.
Last edited by chessimprov; 09-19-2022 at 05:34 PM..
Reason: very significant
I saw no details about how the relationship was going up to that point (edit: I didn't read every message in the thread... my bad) so it's all just speculation.
However it seems to me that even with you having pranked her in the past, that's an unreasonable reaction on her part if you haven't pranked her with anything serious since that time. I could see her dumping you if it turned out that you were once again pranking her, but not doing it just because she supposedly assumes right off the bat, without leaving you any room to discuss, that you're pranking again.
And when things make little sense, usually it's because you're missing part of the story. My guess would be that she was thinking about ending it. Ending things with someone when you feel you're both growing apart and suspect the other person might have one foot out the door too is a lot easier than when you think the other person is all in and suspecting nothing. You proposing to her shows that she's in the latter scenario.
So she panicked and pulled out that trump card from her back pocket to unload the guilt: it's not her who's blindsiding you, it's you who've destroyed the potential for this relationship to go the the next step 2 years ago when you pranked her. And that's probably how she's been rationalizing her exit to herself too (not that she needs one... it's anyone's right to opt out of a relationship. But it's quite common for people to ruminate on some reason to resent their partner for some time before they make their move. It's much easier to take you stuff and leave someone behind when you've convinced yourself they in some way deserved it).
I just don't believe one bit that the real explanation behind her straight up running away and instantly blocking you everywhere after a 4 years relationship is just an immediate reaction to her making hasty conclusions from that 2 years old prank. That's not how adults who are genuine about their rapport to their partner and their relationship behave. Whatever else is true, I'm quite sure there's more to this situation, that you might not be aware of, than her mistaking your genuine proposal for a prank.
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