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People may know about this man with whom I’ve been involved for years from my other threads and I won’t bore you all with details. He’s technically still married but chose to move thousands of miles from his wife & son and she refused to follow him and are estranged. I spoke w her once myself, she really seems hardened and that she thinks he just plays around with women and whatever. But he and I have been close and shared a lot over years.
We have off the charts good sex but he’d never cuddle or stay the night. Is generally an aloof loner. He’d always make declarations after sex about how I shouldn’t expect him to do that often, he doesn’t like to have to meet expectations, he doesn’t want a physical pleasure to have any power or hold on him, and that he felt down after sex. There were times he’d tell me he was depressed after sex and should get help but never did. Well lately it’s way worse. We did it (long, drawn out, really amazing sex) and he freaked out over the low/crash after & said instead of him coming over the next night we should just take my daughter out to eat, much simpler. The most recent time, we finished another bout of awesome sex, then I was getting ready for dinner & he said I looked lovely, nice dress, then said abruptly “oh my gosh this is the worst it’s been. It just keeps getting worse. I feel so low right now. Like I’m crashing from a high very hard. “ he was freaking out. We drove separately to dinner and even though I knew he wasn’t drunk or on drugs (to my knowledge he’s never done either in his life), he was drifting in his lane, randomly going slow then speeding up, missing turns, slow reaction time. When we both parked there was a bit of a walk to dinner and he was almost running, not walking, with a blank look on his face and not really responding properly to stuff I said. The next day he told me he needed psychiatric help but doesn’t want to be on meds. Since then he’s disappeared- like, we text every day and he says he’ll see me next week, but normally he obsessively texts all day and one day last week flipped out when I didn’t text him after he’d said he was busy with work that day. I am tired of the yoyo and know I can’t make him get help or take meds. I just wish there was something else I could do because he’s special to me?
I have no idea. But, if he doesn't want to get help, this is what you can expect. If you're good with it, then you will continue with him, if not, you will leave him.
That and him being married, is not a package I would stick around for.
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Sounds to me like a post-endorphin crash, aka "drop." You can Google terms such as, "con drop" or "sub drop" or "top drop" for more reading on the subject of various kinds of emotional crashes like this, if you want.
Unfortunately I don't think that this man is gonna be interested in finding a healthy and considerate way to handle his feelings and treat you with kindness and decency. It sounds to me like he's in the mindset of, "because this person isn't a Real Relationship, I don't have to think about how she feels and I can be as selfish as I want." Some people are like that, sadly. You want solutions, he doesn't. If he were willing to be more emotionally engaged after sex, he might not feel this way ("aftercare") but he's holding himself apart thinking that avoiding any kind of affection or emotional intimacy will prevent you from expecting any kind of bonding from him. But you can't really control what people feel like this. Human emotion is a chaotic force of nature. You can't build a fence and put up a sign, "No Feelings Allowed!" and expect that to work.
So you get to decide if dealing with a flaky, confusing person (as well as the potential drama inherent in being an accomplice to an extramarital affair) is an acceptable price to pay for really exciting sex. I advise you not to expect him to change. Just remember, you can get off this rollercoaster any time you want.
I do get the feeling that some people feel that if they can apply a label to a behavior they feel better about staying with that person. A kinda "it's not their fault, they have a mental condition" therefore it's not the individual's fault. While there may be a type of truth to that, at the end of the day, if the person is not actively trying to get healthy, you have to decide on whether the behavior itself is acceptable. Whether you are willing to live with that behavior or not, no matter the reason.
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How does he expect to get psychiatric help without medication? He sounds like he is significantly mentally ill. Does he expect it to just clear up one day like a case of acne?
Not all psychiatric help depends on medicine. But if he hasn't even gone, he has no idea what his options are.
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My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
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And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Sounds like you're in an "affair." In an affair (no obligation or intent to stick around) the guy zips up and goes. That's the way it is. Take it or leave it
Anyway, what you describe is part of that "boys are boys and girls are girls" thing that your mom should have taught you at age 5 or so.
Last edited by TwinbrookNine; 09-15-2022 at 11:51 AM..
People may know about this man with whom I’ve been involved for years from my other threads and I won’t bore you all with details. He’s technically still married but chose to move thousands of miles from his wife & son and she refused to follow him and are estranged. I spoke w her once myself, she really seems hardened and that she thinks he just plays around with women and whatever. But he and I have been close and shared a lot over years.
We have off the charts good sex but he’d never cuddle or stay the night. Is generally an aloof loner. He’d always make declarations after sex about how I shouldn’t expect him to do that often, he doesn’t like to have to meet expectations, he doesn’t want a physical pleasure to have any power or hold on him, and that he felt down after sex. There were times he’d tell me he was depressed after sex and should get help but never did. Well lately it’s way worse. We did it (long, drawn out, really amazing sex) and he freaked out over the low/crash after & said instead of him coming over the next night we should just take my daughter out to eat, much simpler. The most recent time, we finished another bout of awesome sex, then I was getting ready for dinner & he said I looked lovely, nice dress, then said abruptly “oh my gosh this is the worst it’s been. It just keeps getting worse. I feel so low right now. Like I’m crashing from a high very hard. “ he was freaking out. We drove separately to dinner and even though I knew he wasn’t drunk or on drugs (to my knowledge he’s never done either in his life), he was drifting in his lane, randomly going slow then speeding up, missing turns, slow reaction time. When we both parked there was a bit of a walk to dinner and he was almost running, not walking, with a blank look on his face and not really responding properly to stuff I said. The next day he told me he needed psychiatric help but doesn’t want to be on meds. Since then he’s disappeared- like, we text every day and he says he’ll see me next week, but normally he obsessively texts all day and one day last week flipped out when I didn’t text him after he’d said he was busy with work that day. I am tired of the yoyo and know I can’t make him get help or take meds. I just wish there was something else I could do because he’s special to me?
How about leaving him alone. He's married. There ya go.
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