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OK, so when you moved in together, you found out she doesn't clean up after herself and doesn't handle stress well? You saw sides of her personality you didn't have a chance to observe just through dating, and knowing her for over a year? Did she keep a clean apartment while you were dating and living separately, or did you not notice?
I don't think this fits the pattern of someone suddenly getting on your nerves as the relationship progresses. IOW, it's not that you suddenly turn sour on your gf's just because you're bored or aren't really into them, or something. What you're describing is a relatively common thing; after a couple moves in together, they suddenly discover they're incompatible, due to how one or the other manages a household, plus other sides of their personalities become known, as well. That's actually one reason for moving in together; it's to get to know each other better. And it doesn't always work out. Life becomes more mundane when you're sharing a place together and seeing each other 24/7. You do see each other when each of you is stressed, not feeling well, whatever.
Don't blame yourself for this. It's just part of getting to know someone better. Sometimes there are unpleasant surprises. Sometimes the other person starts taking you for granted. The relationship can experience a major shift when the couple is up-close-and-personal all the time.
Yes, that's exactly what happened. Before we were officially living together, she would spend the weekends and maybe one night per week at my place. Everything was fine then, but that's because she wasn't living there and was just a guest.
Yes, that's exactly what happened. Before we were officially living together, she would spend the weekends and maybe one night per week at my place. Everything was fine then, but that's because she wasn't living there and was just a guest.
Didn't you spend time at her house ? Did you notice how she kept her home ?
It's not all work. If she was crazy about you she would want to destress with you. She'd want to walk with you, watch tv with you, have meals with you, etc. She's just not that into you.
I suggest you leave and make a life for yourself. She might not even notice if you do.
I disagree with this. I love my husband of nearly 40 years. You don't stay together that long if you don't like being with each other. For those of us that tend towards being an introvert being "on" all day during calls, etc. is psychologically and mentally exhausting. When I finish my work day, particularly during especially busy and stressful times, I need some time alone to decompress. If I'm making lunch, that might also be some needed alone time to a lesser extent. I just need quiet and to focus on something not work related. Sometimes that means walking out to my garden for some time at the end of the day or making dinner in silence or just spending a bit of time alone and away from him. It has zero to do with my love for him. It's about re-energizing so I can interact with him. The more stressful work is, the more I need quiet.
It seems to me that OP isn't willing to give his GF the time she needs to decompress and speaking to her about it only makes it worse. That, or the attitude and annoyance he had with her over minor things during the summer, had an impact on their relationship he is unwilling to recognize. There are always two sides to a story and OP has presented himself as the victim in this thread.
When my GF gets finished with work (she works a 9-5 desk job), she acts cold and rude towards me. Right after work she will go on a walk, go to the gym, or go to the pool, come back, and stay in the bedroom watching TV for the rest of the evening. I always ask her if she wants to watch a movie or go somewhere and she says no. I have asked her a few times if she is upset at me about something and she says "I'm not mad at you at all. I just had a very stressful day with work and need some alone time". If I ask what she wants for dinner, she says "I have no idea. I'll figure something out."
When she works at home the same day as me, I can feel the coldness from another room. She will be at her desk and I hear the huffing/puffing and sigh noises. If I go into the kitchen and make something that makes even a slight bit of noise like opening/closing a cabinet, I hear the sighing and huffing/puffing even more. Eventually she will say "can you please do that later" in a rude tone. I finally just had to go into my office 5 days a week to avoid the BS.
I get it, we all have stressful days at work but the issue is that this happens literally every single day. I was a middle school teacher for several years and had to deal with pre-teens and teens and Karen parents and I had fewer bad days than she does. The problem also is that she brought this on herself. About a month ago, she volunteered to do extra projects when she was already busy with normal work and now she is totally swamped and being nasty to me.
In a nice way I told her that I think it's a bad idea for her to take on extra projects when she is already swamped. I also explained that she should leave work at work and forget about it when she's done. She said "I'm not like you. It's hard for me to hold in my feelings. If I had a stressful day, it's hard for me to just act normal. I'm doing this extra work so I can stand out and get promoted. I can't just do my normal job duties and come home like you do." She didn't say it in a nice way and basically implied that I do the bare minimum at my job and then come home.
My GF has pretty bad anxiety which I think is what is primarily causing this behavior. Also, she seems to have some issues with wanting acceptance/recognition/praise from other people because her parents didn't give her any growing up. I think the extra work is causing her anxiety to skyrocket and wanting the extra work is about wanting her manager and higher level people at work to praise her.
She really needs to see a therapist for her anxiety but says "they don't know what I'm going through and talking about it isn't going to help me in any way".
I should add that she wasn't really this way before taking on extra projects. Maybe once or twice a week she had stressful days and acted like this but not it's every day.
What would you do?
She's not stressed, she's a *****. It's all getting on her nerves and she's not mature enough to discuss with you that she is no longer happy in the current situation. Read the writing on the wall and find somewhere else to live and work. And someone else to be thoughtful to.
When my GF gets finished with work (she works a 9-5 desk job), she acts cold and rude towards me. Right after work she will go on a walk, go to the gym, or go to the pool, come back, and stay in the bedroom watching TV for the rest of the evening. I always ask her if she wants to watch a movie or go somewhere and she says no. I have asked her a few times if she is upset at me about something and she says "I'm not mad at you at all. I just had a very stressful day with work and need some alone time". If I ask what she wants for dinner, she says "I have no idea. I'll figure something out."
When she works at home the same day as me, I can feel the coldness from another room. She will be at her desk and I hear the huffing/puffing and sigh noises. If I go into the kitchen and make something that makes even a slight bit of noise like opening/closing a cabinet, I hear the sighing and huffing/puffing even more. Eventually she will say "can you please do that later" in a rude tone. I finally just had to go into my office 5 days a week to avoid the BS.
I get it, we all have stressful days at work but the issue is that this happens literally every single day. I was a middle school teacher for several years and had to deal with pre-teens and teens and Karen parents and I had fewer bad days than she does. The problem also is that she brought this on herself. About a month ago, she volunteered to do extra projects when she was already busy with normal work and now she is totally swamped and being nasty to me.
In a nice way I told her that I think it's a bad idea for her to take on extra projects when she is already swamped. I also explained that she should leave work at work and forget about it when she's done. She said "I'm not like you. It's hard for me to hold in my feelings. If I had a stressful day, it's hard for me to just act normal. I'm doing this extra work so I can stand out and get promoted. I can't just do my normal job duties and come home like you do." She didn't say it in a nice way and basically implied that I do the bare minimum at my job and then come home.
My GF has pretty bad anxiety which I think is what is primarily causing this behavior. Also, she seems to have some issues with wanting acceptance/recognition/praise from other people because her parents didn't give her any growing up. I think the extra work is causing her anxiety to skyrocket and wanting the extra work is about wanting her manager and higher level people at work to praise her.
She really needs to see a therapist for her anxiety but says "they don't know what I'm going through and talking about it isn't going to help me in any way".
I should add that she wasn't really this way before taking on extra projects. Maybe once or twice a week she had stressful days and acted like this but not it's every day.
What would you do?
I would have a heart to heart conversation with her. And if this doesn't change, I would end the relationship or at least not live together and then only meet when shes in a fun mood.
You should not have to put up with her behavior.
When I used to work in an office and come home and my ex was in my face immediately at the door, I would snap. So I told him - and he let me alone for a few minutes until I approach him or I walk the dog to unwind and then I am ready to face him and be nice Eve.
Catching up late on this.
I tend to respect the OPs objective perspective. He stated she now confines her self after her workday. That isn't ' de- stressing'. It's perpetuating it , it's sitting in it, bathing in the stress ...so to speak. She is avoiding her role in a way. Of being his companion or existing even outside her work hat role. She is caught in her own net . .
It's easy peasy to direct such a person to snap out of it! It's evident that the isolation and avoidance IS Not working for her.
I'd ask in a supportive tone for her to learn some daily decompressing techniques thru out her day. Fwiw, ruminating is not helping stress decipate. ( Which is what she is doing ).
Simple ankle twists or neck massages can release tension. As can some aromas.
Seriously address the real issue....her limited avenues of working thru stress are ineffective ..time to interject some yoga...meditation, short burst of walks..
Hiding in her room and avoiding you is NOT fostering or enriching the relationship.
I commend you for seeing it with clear eyes. Sounds like you care enough to see her stress being a deterrent to share time together. You deserve for her to be in the ' present', not mulling over her entire day.... EVERY DAY..
Confront it with a ' we' can do this! We can put forth a real effort here...
If she dismisses your support ...then you have your answer. ...
She got home from work about 1hr ago and walked in the door with an attitude. Rather than hearing "hi honey, how was your day" I get "why wasn't the trash taken out?"
I explained to her that I walked in the door about 10mins before her because I went to the gym and I just wanted to sit and chill for a bit after a exhausting workout. I got the eye roll treatment.
Then she comes to me and tells me that she really wants me to go into the office tomorrow because she needs some alone time and time to decompress. She says that I am a distraction for her when I have work calls (even though it's in another room with a door closed). I was planning on working from home tomorrow since it's Friday. This has happened before and it's usually when she has a lot of work to do.
She DESPERATELY needs to talk to a therapist about her stress and anxiety and work on some methods that don't involve being nasty to people around her.
I don’t understand these “I live with someone who hates me, what should I do” threads. You’re not married, you can literally walk out the door and never come back, but you let days, weeks, months, years go by, with a girlfriend/boyfriend that seldom brings you joy, predominately causes you grief… I just don’t understand. A crappy marriage, I get it, through lived experience, you hang around to try and salvage it to spare the legal repercussions of divorce… but a freeking girlfriend/boyfriend… good god it’s pathetic. She freekin hates you man. Why the heck are you coming home to her?
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