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I have several questions I am hoping you might help me answer regarding a dating experience I had. Below is a narrative that briefly describes my experience followed by questions I am trying to answer.
When I was 30 years old I moved to new community and got involved with a church where I attended a Wednesday night singles bible class. When I got to the class there was this 27 year old women that motioned for me to sit by her on a couch. When I sit down it took all of my attention to keep up with the attention she was giving me. This is the first time a woman has ever shown any interest in me. After the class we continued our conversation and she made it easy to ask her out. When I did ask her out and she accepted we began dating and we seemed to have a mutual interest in being with each other and we both seemed to have a good time when we were together. After going on about 6 dates over a week she invited me to meet her family by going to church then lunch on mother’s day. After lunch we returned to her apartment where I left so she could be with her family that was in town from Houston to visit her. It was planned that I would return to her apartment later that day and we would plan on doing something together including dinner.
When I arrived at her apartment as planned things seemed to be different from the way they were earlier that day. She had always been excited and enthusiastic and now she seemed depressed with sorrow. When I tried to talk with her as I always had I got no response. When I tried to make plans she would not agree to any or suggest something different. When I ask her if something was wrong she would not say. Finally she asks me to leave her apartment and when I did we had not planned our next date as we had in the past and I was not able to clarify when we would talk again. When I left her apartment I thought it might be good to give her a little space by waiting on her to call me when she was ready to talk again.
By Wednesday night at church it had been 3 days since I spoke with her. It became apparent that she did not want to date me anymore when she came by where I was seated with church underway and whispered in my ear that she did not want to date me anymore before walking down and sitting in an area where there was no room for me to follow and sit by her. I looked for her after church but I was not able to find her.
After about 3 weeks I saw her at church one Sunday morning with her parents and a new boyfriend. That would be the last time I ever saw her.
Questions
What could have changed this girls mind about me especially so quickly within a few hours of an afternoon when I was not there to influence her decision?
Why did this girl not want to communicate with me as to what was going on with her and her reason for breaking up with me?
It appeared this girl wanted to make it final between us when she broke up with me by never coming around me again and for there to be no opportunity for us to talk again. Why do you believe she would want to do that?
What role do you believe her parents might have had in her change of heart?
Do believe I ever had a chance with this girl and if so how might I have blown it?
Do you believe her showing up with a new boyfriend had anything to do with me and if so why?
Any other information that might help me have closure regarding this would be appreciated.
How do you know it's a new boyfriend? Maybe he's just a family friend. Or, maybe he's an old recycled boyfriend. He could be someone she was dating at the same time she was dating you. She could have been using you to make this other guy jealous, or nudge him into making a commitment.
Possibly her parents didn't like you. If that's the case, and she's letting them have that much influence over her life at 27 years of age, you are better off without her.
Your guesses are as good as ours. Unless you actually get the opportunity to ask her you will never know for sure. Since you will never know just write it off as a strange event and move on.
How do you know it's a new boyfriend? Maybe he's just a family friend. Or, maybe he's an old recycled boyfriend. He could be someone she was dating at the same time she was dating you. She could have been using you to make this other guy jealous, or nudge him into making a commitment.
Possibly her parents didn't like you.
^^^ This is all I came up with, too, OP. Maybe her parents disapproved of you, and put their foot down, which might explain why her demeanor changed after you left her apartment, and came back later.
But the other thing I was thinking is, that it was odd how she latched onto you from the moment you showed up in the singles' bible group. That seems unusual, which led me to suspect there was an ulterior motive, like trying to make another guy jealous or something. It also seems unusual to hit it off so well with a complete stranger, like you two did for that first week. 6 dates in one week? Really? That's pretty intense. She introduced you to her parents after only dating you a week? That's unusual, too. The whole story is odd. It seems more like a dream than something that happened in real life.
How long ago did this happen? How old are you now? Whatever the answer is, it's time to move on.
I agree with both E-Twist and Ruth. OP, six dates in the very first week you knew the woman was really extreme; way too much too soon. And then meeting the parents after only one week of dating? Way too soon as well. Even after six dates, you've only scratched the surface in getting to know one another. Both of you moved way too fast.
Since your lady broke up with you abruptly after the time you spent with her parents, it appears the parents did not approve of you for whatever reason and they caused her to have second thoughts. We can't possibly know what you may have said or done which would cause them to disapprove of you.
It's something that you'll probably never figure out, and you should just put it behind you. Next time you begin a relationship, don't move so fast!
.
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I'm wondering if her parents had been pressuring her to hurry up and get a boyfriend, because she was 27 already. Sounds like a conservative community. They probably wanted her married off before 30, or by 30 at the latest. That would explain the rush. It gives a whole new meaning to the term "speed dating". So after she managed to come up with a bf in just 1 week, and the 'rents said "no", she had to scramble to come up with another one that they might approve of.
Your description of her disappointment tells me she was crushed by her parents' disapproval of you. She couldn't bring herself to tell you, that she couldn't continue seeing you because her parents wouldn't allow it. She was too embarrassed about it, so she just ghosted you after that.
It's sad what some parents put their kids through, but I"m guessing that parental approval of bf's might be more common in some church communities than in the population at large.
Even some people in committed relationships don't date that frequently.
This to me is a classic case of too much, too soon. And since the lady never communicated her feelings or why she no longer wants anything to do with him, we really don't know if her parents influenced her decision.
For all we know, the OP himself might have said or done something during the lunch that turned off the lady. Considering the fact of the six dates in one week, maybe he came across as too needy and said something along the lines that made things out to be more than they were. Like saying she was his girlfriend in front of her family, or something else that offended her.
I know it sucks, but if I were the OP, I suggest not agonizing over what ifs and to move on without giving this any more of his time and energy. If he's this torn over someone that he dated for only a short period of time, then he needs to adapt behaviors that don't make him seem so needy. No more six dates in one week sort of thing, and never pour out your heart to someone that you've dated for such a short period of time.
That happened 26 years ago in 1996. I thought about it the other day and thought I might revisit it because I just stuffed it when it happened and I did not look at it.
That happened 26 years ago in 1996. I thought about it the other day and thought I might revisit it because I just stuffed it when it happened and I did not look at it.
Why revisit? Her family obviously had something to do with it.
Everyone here had excellent things to say. My first reaction when reading your description of the entire situation is that she was manipulative (the initial Bible study behavior), non-negotiable (wouldn't discuss it) and cruel (whispering in your ear something hurtful at an inappropriate time in public when you couldn't do anything about it).
You dodged a bullet. Bigtime.
I think it is possible that the parents were pressuring her. They may not have realized that their daughter was not good relationship material at all, and that's why she was single.
Long ago I had two different guys use me to parade to the parental units that they "had someone." Both bachelors. They were both just platonic friends but I didn't like being used like that. She may have being doing that, or like someone else said she already had a boyfriend and chose him over you. Again, you dodged a bullet.
Or maybe she has controlling parents who were demanding she date some specific guy (he's wealthy or a friend of the family or whatever) and she was trying to find someone else because she didn't want to be with him, but they had some sort of family blowup where they insisted, threatened and/or issued ultimatums and she didn't feel like she had a choice.
You never know...all sorts of things are possible. We're just guessing.
The unfortunate truth is that when something ends before one is ready, it feels like a mystery you've got to solve. But the problem is that you rarely ever get the truth, and even if you do, it changes nothing. It isn't easy to shrug it off and move on, but that's probably what you're going to have to work on doing.
If you can't recall having said or done anything that may have caused offense, and if there's no reason for bad rumors to be floating around about you in the church community, then likely it was no fault of yours and had nothing to do with anything that you said or did, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. It's an unfortunate "crap happens, it was outside of my control" thing.
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