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There is no way you could know this. Even if you really are him, posting as the dad.
This woman has relayed the message to your son that she is not interested in a relationship. For him to continue trying to manipulate himself into her life is wrong, wrong, wrong.
I am shocked that you as a parent are encouraging this AT ALL. Are you also on the spectrum? Because you seem to have zero understanding of human social norms.
That's incorrect. Lisa has no idea who her best friend was talking about. And Lisa certainly didn't speak directly to the son at all.
Son isn't "continuing" to manipulate himself into her life. He hasn't even started. He just wants to meet her. That's a perfectly normal social norm.
Well to be honest, I think if anyone finds out that someone they barely know or don’t even know at all really wants any kind of relationship with them whether platonic or romantic and is willing to go out of their way to try, it could come across as trying too hard and creepy. That’s just the way people are unfortunately. That being said, I don’t think it is wrong to be more targeted and want to get to know someone specific. The thing that is just creepy is the WEIGHT that my son puts on it and how far out of his way is he willing to go. Some people will be uncomfortable and creeped out by that.
If, as an adult, I found out some guy who I never met had a crush on me for years, I would not date him.
It is immature. All it means is he finds me attractive, and that is good enough for him. Knowing me as a person is not part of the crush. That is a turn-off.
Also a turn off is not being able to come up and meet me, just wants to adore from afar.
Five years younger, AND immature for his age. We would not be compatible.
I find all of the above VALID.
I'm not saying anything negative about your son, he sounds on the immature side, and possibly on the spectrum. I just do not think it is doing him any favors to encourage his crush, and not point out some of the points to him that posters have made.
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If, as an adult, I found out some guy who I never met had a crush on me for years, I would not date him.
It is immature. All it means is he finds me attractive, and that is good enough for him. Knowing me as a person is not part of the crush. That is a turn-off.
Also a turn off is not being able to come up and meet me, just wants to adore from afar.
Five years younger, AND immature for his age. We would not be compatible.
I find all of the above VALID.
That makes a lot of sense. But how would you know that he’s not able to come up and meet you? What if he just does do that? He probably wouldn’t tell you he had a crush on you for years.
If Lisa is not a virgin, would that affect your son's view of Lisa?
Yes. Unless she is a widow, or was raped for any reason. He wouldn’t hold anything that happened against her will against her, but in general, it probably would turn him off.
Twenty-five and a virgin is probably pretty unlikely.
And yes, I attended Catholic school.
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Well to be honest, my son thinks a little differently than the average person. He can get really attached and fixated on people that he barely even knows, and sometimes he's even obsessed over a few people that he's heard about that he has never even met in person at all.
He's approached platonic friendships in this way and sometimes it has worked out well for him and other times it has just creeped people out and pushed them away. I told him that he is definitely different, and that is something to be proud of.
With all kindness intended, you are approaching this like your son's behavior is some cute harmless personality quirk like preferring to wear plaid flannel shirts and flip flops, when in fact what you are describing is unhealthy obsessive behavior that by your own description had veered into stalking.
Having a crush on someone is harmless. Becoming fixated one one person to the point that it creeps people out and pushes them away (your words, not mine!) is a problematic behavior whether it's happening in friendships or potential girls he hopes to date. He has never spoken to or interacted with Lisa but is fixated on her and completely obsessed, convinced that she is the only woman he could date. To say that is unhealthy is an understatement.
If you can't convince him to go to therapy, which would be my recommendation, I would sit him down for some long talks about how there are lots of fish in the sea, and he needs to get out there and join LOTS of activities. Volunteer in the community. If you're religious, be active in your religious community. Join meet-up groups doing activities he enjoys that girls are likely to enjoy too (i.e. don't pick football club). He needs to get out in the real world and practice making lots of friends, having lots of casual conversations, and talking to lots of women. LOTS of women. Not just fixating on one woman.
Working on his dating skills and his social skills will be a good thing for your son in any case. Also, he needs to learn to listen to women when they talk. Remember what Lisa said when she was asked if she was interested in dating? She doesn't want to date anyone. That's a NO. When women say no, listen to them. #MeToo. This is not an invitation to try harder. Your son needs to move on, and dad, if he is not getting the message, you need to HELP him get the message, loud and clear, because men who do not get the message and listen when a woman has clearly said no can get themselves in a lot of trouble.
I had someone tell me he had a secret crush on me for two years. He'd seen me on a date with a friend of his two years previous.
He had a gf at the time but when they broke up two years later, he asked me out and told me about his crush.
It wasn't creepy, it was cute. And sweet.
Had the two of you met? AND he was dating other people, which, to me, is different. But we are all different.
OP: I may have missed it, but has your son dated anyone in college or after?
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That's incorrect. Lisa has no idea who her best friend was talking about. And Lisa certainly didn't speak directly to the son at all.
Oh dear. You actually believe that?
There is zero probability that Lisa's girlfriend did not know who your son's guy friend was talking about. These are socially savvy young adults.
Quote:
His best friend actually is closer with one of Lisa's best friends
Read that again. She knew exactly who her friend was talking about.--her friend's best friend who is well known to be socially awkward and weird enough to do this "does she like me" schtick from 5th grade.
Do you believe for a minute this info was not confirmed? These are friends who know each other well, not priests bound by a code of silence.
Last edited by zentropa; 10-18-2022 at 12:24 PM..
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