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Oh Come On now, he didn’t even contact her at all or anything.
Most stalkers do not contact the person they are stalking. They lurk from afar with a very unhealthy obsession. This sounds exactly like what your son is doing; by your very own description.
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Originally Posted by Danny K
He can get really attached and fixated on people that he barely even knows, and sometimes he's even obsessed over a few people that he's heard about that he has never even met in person at all.
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Originally Posted by Danny K
Just because she is not interested in dating now, doesn't mean she won't be interested ever. My son will happily wait it out for Lisa, and he will not move on until Lisa clearly shuts him down 100% and tells him that there is absolutely no chance that she will date him ever, and that she just doesn't want to get to know him or date him like that. His interest in Lisa is absolute and unconditional, with the only exception being if she just does not want to get to know him or date him ever.
Until Lisa completely shuts him down forever, he will not date any other girl because he is saving it for Lisa. I know this might sound weird or terrible to the average person, but it is his choice how he wants to live his life, and as his father I need to love him for who he is. I honestly do admire his loyalty, but just want to make sure he is prepared that Lisa could very well just not be interested in dating him ever and he just needs to accept that if that is the case. I think he will, but he wants to be absolutely sure there is no chance.
THIS IS STALKING BEHAVIOR. And how in the world do you know he will let it go if she turns him down? Because he says so? Every day that this unhealthy obsession with a stranger does on, the feelings get deeper and deeper and become more and more unhealthy. And creepy - that is the word YOU keep using.
Most stalkers do not contact the person they are stalking. They lurk from afar with a very unhealthy obsession. This sounds exactly like what your son is doing; by your very own description.
THIS IS STALKING BEHAVIOR. And how in the world do you know he will let it go if she turns him down? Because he says so? Every day that this unhealthy obsession with a stranger does on, the feelings get deeper and deeper and become more and more unhealthy. And creepy - that is the word YOU keep using.
Did you read my previous posts? Come on. He's not following her or really creeping on her at all. It's just feelings. Everyone has them. If you called just having an unhealthy interest in someone stalking, 50+% of the population would be in jail, seriously. I trust he'll let go because he says so. I mean he's an adult, if he doesn't, he'll face the consequences. I'm only helping him, and I am not there to control him or tell him what to do. It is his choice.
And don't worry, he is not thinking about it all the time. He has a life and other things to do. He is just quietly and distantly holding on and hoping. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that. Is it the healthiest thing ever? Maybe not. But is it acceptable? Yes, everyone has those feelings and obsessions sometimes. What matters is what you do with those feelings and how much you can control yourself. Most stalking comes from people that have no control over their actions.
Wow. None of this, AT ALL, is any business of yours. Sounds like you are controlling and butting in his love life which is totally HIS. You should want to be in his life, but you shoult NOT want to be 'ALL UP IN HIS LIFE'. You are so eaten up by trying to control him that you are venting on a social site because 'you' don't know what to do about your son's crush on a girl? O M G
He asked for my help, ok. I am only helping him. I am just there to give him advice. It is his choice what to do.
He might be a little bit. I’m not sure. Why do you ask? He’s never been diagnosed. When he was a kid, a few people have asked that, but we never really got him assessed.
Huh. You never REALLY got him assessed? What does that mean?
If you ignored his disability, that's on you. Some not-great parenting right there. With a diagnosis, he could have received coaching to mitigate his awkwardness, been given the tools to make friends, and could have avoided all these offputting, objectifying, obsessive attachment behaviors.
Lisa is not going to be interested in an autistic guy that doesn't respect her boundaries.
Huh. You never REALLY got him assessed? What does that mean?
If you ignored his disability, that's on you. Some not-great parenting right there. With a diagnosis, he could have received coaching to mitigate his awkwardness, been given the tools to make friends, and could have avoided all these offputting, objectifying, obsessive attachment behaviors.
Lisa is not going to be interested in an autistic guy that doesn't respect her boundaries.
It was never very serious. Guys, chill. I think you are really overestimating his weirdness and awkwardness. He was always very respectful of people's boundaries. He sometimes needs people to be direct and honest with him, but he will never disrespect boundaries that he understands are clear. He has made a few people a little uncomfortable but that is mainly because he just has been coming on a little too strong and it made others feel a little weird, but he's never really creeped anyone to the point where they would never want to see him again or felt unsafe. I really am not too worried about him. I think he will be fine.
The reason we never got him assessed was because while he was weird and different, it was not really interfering with his life to a huge extent. He did meet with a few psychologists a few times over the years but not on a consistent basis. We just didn't feel that it was worth looking too much into, because he wasn't that weird or different.
Oh. Just so you know, we are a religious family that is Christian and so is Lisa. Therefore, sex does not happen until after marriage. That’s a strict boundary we have as Christians, and Lisa would definitely have that boundary as well. He went to a Christian college that is very strict on that, and if sex occurs before marriage, you can get kicked out of that college.
Neither you nor your son know Lisa at all! Just because she attended a religious, Christian school doesn't mean she is still living the same way as an adult, on her own in her mid-20s. I know plenty of people who attended very religious schools ONLY because their parents made them; not because they believed in all of the doctrine. Your son has created a fictional character and attached this personality to a real human being. HE DOESN"T KNOW HER. To obsess about her for years is super creepy. It's even creepier that you encourage this.
Well to be honest, my son thinks a little differently than the average person. He forms connections and attachments in different ways that are completely out of the ordinary.
For him it's often he is not looking for a girlfriend, but he just wants to date "this specific person". He often builds relationships and forms attachments in a much more targeted way compared to the average person.
Even when it comes to making platonic guy friends, he will often hear about a guy or see someone from a distance and then try to talk to him and try and befriend him. He can get really attached and fixated on people that he barely even knows, and sometimes he's even obsessed over a few people that he's heard about that he has never even met in person at all.
He's approached platonic friendships in this way and sometimes it has worked out well for him and other times it has just creeped people out and pushed them away. I told him that he is definitely different, and that is something to be proud of.
My son and I just want to make sure that if he gets rejected it is because Lisa just doesn't like him in that way in the first place, and NOT because of a mistake he made that was weird or creepy to her. Understand?
This is why you were asked if he's on the autism spectrum. You are describing someone who thinks autistically, here. This is why Lisa isn't interested in him, and won't be interested. Plus the fact that she's 5 years older than him.
You should have your son evaluated, and then get him a therapist who can work with him on social skills, how to interpret people's facial expressions and reactions, and so forth, to give him tools for socializing in a normal way. And maybe in the course of that therapy, the therapist can address the fixation tendency in some way.
How can you make sure of the underlined? From what you describe, it sounds like the chances are fairly high of precisely the worst happening. This doesn't seem like a good idea at all, if both of you have this fear already, from the start.
Neither you nor your son know Lisa at all! Just because she attended a religious, Christian school doesn't mean she is still living the same way as an adult, on her own in her mid-20s. I know plenty of people who attended very religious schools ONLY because their parents made them; not because they believed in all of the doctrine. Your son has created a fictional character and attached this personality to a real human being. HE DOESN"T KNOW HER. To obsess about her for years is super creepy. It's even creepier that you encourage this.
It's a crush. He is not stalking her.
BUT, he is old enough that he should realize that he does NOT know her, and has no idea if he would even like her if he met her.
To me, it is mindset that is more akin to teenagers, than 20 year olds. I think the OP can best help his son by teaching him this.
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This is why you were asked if he's on the autism spectrum. You are describing someone who thinks autistically, here. This is why Lisa isn't interested in him, and won't be interested. Plus the fact that she's 5 years older than him.
You should have your son evaluated, and then get him a therapist who can work with him on social skills, how to interpret people's facial expressions and reactions, and so forth, to give him tools for socializing in a normal way. And maybe in the course of that therapy, the therapist can address the fixation tendency in some way.
How can you make sure of the underlined? From what you describe, it sounds like the chances are fairly high of precisely the worst happening. This doesn't seem like a good idea at all, if both of you have this fear already, from the start.
Wait a sec, Lisa would't be interested in him just because he has autism? That seems a little discriminatory to me, but she might just not be interested in him because he's not her type. What's wrong with being 5 years older than him? I know plenty of people who have dated over 5 years in between. Or are you saying she might not be interested in him because of his unhealthy attachments and might feel creeped out? That definitely would be understandable?
We can never be sure of the underlined, but want to avoid it as much as possible. I mean, I would hate to know that a girl I liked turned me down just because of the way I approached her or came on too strong. Because that can easily be fixed. If a girl just rejected me because I wasn't her type or the kind of guy she was looking for, then that cannot be fixed, and that's that so it wouldn't feel too bad for me.
The way I always look at things is don't get rejected by girls that will reject you for reasons that can really be fixed and worked on. Only get rejected because you just aren't the kind of person she wants to date.
I am not sure if I can get him a therapist now as he is an adult, but I can suggest he seeks it out himself though.
To be honest though, I doubt any normal person without autism would still be interested in Lisa at this point if all that I described happened with a person that thinks pretty normally. Most people would've probably completely forgotten about Lisa by now if they were in my son's situation.
That being said, whether he is autistic or not, I don't think that way of thinking is wrong at all. It is different, and some people might not be accepting of it but that is there problem. He has had many people that have really appreciated him for his way of thinking and making friends and have even told him that they really admire the way he looks at relationships and seeks people out. I personally think its ok but there are right and wrong ways to go about it, and I just think if you're going to approach friendships and relationships that way, you just need to be on guard and try your best to do it in the most natural way possible and not creep anyone out.
BUT, he is old enough that he should realize that he does NOT know her, and has no idea if he would even like her if he met her.
To me, it is mindset that is more akin to teenagers, than 20 year olds. I think the OP can best help his son by teaching him this.
He definitely knows that he doesn't know her but he just wants to get to know her. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I have told him many times just not to put any expectations on her and not be too disappointed if she rejects getting to know him better.
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