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I told him after the 3rd time that I wanted to get to know each other better that I was not up for a FWB situation. He said he agreed. However, we only saw each other two more times and he wanted to have sex straight away, after that, he talked about his work for a while and didn't ask me anything about my stuff or showed me interest when I tried to say something about me. Do you think I have the right to feel used by him?.
After that, I think he decided to just dump me because he knew that sex was not going to be enough for me, so I know that he only wanted sex. But why did he use me like this if he was not interested in getting to know me?. Maybe I was not going to like him as a person anyway, but I did not wanted to have more sex with him if that was the only thing he was looking for, and I made sure to explain this to him before it happened again.
Also, I find it hard to undersand the superficiality of the hook up culture, if we had strong physical chemistry why not al least try to know who is the person inside that body?
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Originally Posted by TMSRetired
He did tell her he did not want anything serious. What he did tell her was that she was sexy. Go back and re-read her posts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TMSRetired
I did. They had sex 3 times...he didn't want to commit.
They meet again..she asks, he says yes.
They have sex 2 more times with still nothing happening on his side.
She still has hopes after 5 times of casual sex.
I think she had her first encounter with a "player".
Not what happened.
Had sex three times, she told him she wanted to get to know one another . . . he agreed. See above post.
He did not say, "no I am only interested in sex" or "I don't want to commit".
This is the premise of my original post. If only guy are honest at the outset. She had sex two more times because he agreed he didn't want a friends with benefits situation. She would not have had sex two more times if he was honest and that would have been the end of it and she would not have felt used.
It's like this guy gets a pass because she had sex with him early even though she made it clear she did not want a friends with benefits situation and he agreed.
I get some guys are players and some women are trusting. The shame belongs to the player who uses women not to the trusting women.
Doesn’t seem like the guy is a player, the guy is just really good at picking up women and saying stuff they like to hear. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, you have to start building from a casual one. If it doesn’t work out then just be glad this one isn’t right. I don’t think having sex with a person multiple times leads to a serious relationship. Chemistry, background, and other factors may come into play. I’ve had physical relationship with some women multiple times and didn’t lead to anything serious becomes we had some differences that didn’t sit well even though the sex was great.
Had sex three times, she told him she wanted to get to know one another . . . he agreed. See above post.
He did not say, "no I am only interested in sex" or "I don't want to commit".
This is the premise of my original post. If only guy are honest at the outset. She had sex two more times because he agreed he didn't want a friends with benefits situation. She would not have had sex two more times if he was honest and that would have been the end of it and she would not have felt used.
It's like this guy gets a pass because she had sex with him early even though she made it clear she did not want a friends with benefits situation and he agreed.
I get some guys are players and some women are trusting. The shame belongs to the player who uses women not to the trusting women.
You're not accepting that you don't get to make the rules. There are laws of nature. You're looking for equity where there is none.
All is fair in love and war.
Don't keep operating under your made up premise or you will continue to get the same results.
The problem is why can't the guy (or gal) be honest that they just want the sex.
This seems to have always been a problem, that going in, a man may take advantage of the idea that a woman is seeking something more than he wants, and may act as if he is more interested in her overall and a relationship, to tempt her. Maybe some are not like this and are actually able to take time to know a person first, but doesn't seem to be usual.
Look, women will be responsive too...and once that can 'o worms is opened, it can alter the course. If a guy would say "Hey, I'm just here for the Sex, so don't expect anything more" - how many would respond to that?
This seems to have always been a problem, that going in, a man may take advantage of the idea that a woman is seeking something more than he wants, and may act as if he is more interested in her overall and a relationship, to tempt her. Maybe some are not like this and are actually able to take time to know a person first, but doesn't seem to be usual.
Look, women will be responsive too...and once that can 'o worms is opened, it can alter the course. If a guy would say "Hey, I'm just here for the Sex, so don't expect anything more" - how many would respond to that?
Exactly my point. If the guy was honest about his intent, the woman would have no basis for a complaint later that she was used for sex. The guy uses deception to get what he wants because he knows many women are looking for a relationship. But the woman gets the blame for having sex and complaining about feeling used rather than the guy who used deception. The woman is expected to hold back on having sex until she can affirm the guy's intentions but the guy can have sex any time and use deception to get it from the first meeting. In this case, the OP told the guy she didn't want a FWB relationship and she wanted them to get to know each other and he agreed. At this point, he knew her intent when they proceeded to have sex. He could have said, no I just want a sexual relationship. Most probably he wouldn't get sex and the woman wouldn't feel used.
I have been on this earth a long time so I know this double standard has existed for a long time but that doesn't make it right. Many women buy into this gender blaming line of thinking, i.e. "it's your fault for having sex too early." I am not advocating that women have sex early on in a relationship regardless; however, I don't blame the woman for feeling used rather than the man who used deception to get sex.
Deception to get what you want is not justifiable.
Last edited by Maddie104; 11-13-2022 at 06:29 AM..
It's a stupid tax. Everyone knows men are after sex (duh). It's up to women to make sure they have an actual relationship before they start putting out. Otherwise, they know they are just having sex. Yes, it's a double standard and testosterone is obviously a very powerful drug.
The world is never going to accommodate you; you need to adjust to the ways of the world.
I told him after the 3rd time that I wanted to get to know each other better that I was not up for a FWB situation. He said he agreed. However, we only saw each other two more times and he wanted to have sex straight away, after that, he talked about his work for a while and didn't ask me anything about my stuff or showed me interest when I tried to say something about me. Do you think I have the right to feel used by him?.
After that, I think he decided to just dump me because he knew that sex was not going to be enough for me, so I know that he only wanted sex. But why did he use me like this if he was not interested in getting to know me?. Maybe I was not going to like him as a person anyway, but I did not wanted to have more sex with him if that was the only thing he was looking for, and I made sure to explain this to him before it happened again.
Also, I find it hard to undersand the superficiality of the hook up culture, if we had strong physical chemistry why not al least try to know who is the person inside that body?
I mean this in the nicest way: You are very confused about how this works.
You say that you 'find it hard to understand the superficiality of the hook up culture' - that you participated in.
You want a real relationship? You don't jump in bed together, first, and then try to get to know each other.
I told him after the 3rd time that I wanted to get to know each other better that I was not up for a FWB situation. He said he agreed. However, we only saw each other two more times and he wanted to have sex straight away, after that, he talked about his work for a while and didn't ask me anything about my stuff or showed me interest when I tried to say something about me. Do you think I have the right to feel used by him?.
After that, I think he decided to just dump me because he knew that sex was not going to be enough for me, so I know that he only wanted sex. But why did he use me like this if he was not interested in getting to know me?. Maybe I was not going to like him as a person anyway, but I did not wanted to have more sex with him if that was the only thing he was looking for, and I made sure to explain this to him before it happened again.
Also, I find it hard to undersand the superficiality of the hook up culture, if we had strong physical chemistry why not al least try to know who is the person inside that body?
Are you not part of the hook up culture?
If you're looking for advice, I suggest you not drink so much. Or at all, actually. Booze just lowers your IQ, along with your inhibitions.
Exactly my point. If the guy was honest about his intent, the woman would have no basis for a complaint later that she was used for sex. The guy uses deception to get what he wants because he knows many women are looking for a relationship. But the woman gets the blame for having sex and complaining about feeling used rather than the guy who used deception. The woman is expected to hold back on having sex until she can affirm the guy's intentions but the guy can have sex any time and use deception to get it from the first meeting. In this case, the OP told the guy she didn't want a FWB relationship and she wanted them to get to know each other and he agreed. At this point, he knew her intent when they proceeded to have sex. He could have said, no I just want a sexual relationship. Most probably he wouldn't get sex and the woman wouldn't feel used.
I have been on this earth a long time so I know this double standard has existed for a long time but that doesn't make it right. Many women buy into this gender blaming line of thinking, i.e. "it's your fault for having sex too early." I am not advocating that women have sex early on in a relationship regardless; however, I don't blame the woman for feeling used rather than the man who used deception to get sex.
Deception to get what you want is not justifiable.
I completely agree with you, the women gets the blame! as always!
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