Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It may be that he has problems connecting emotionally and the detachment is part of what motivates him to only function physically. Men have had Sexual imagery marketed to them for eons, not having to do with getting to know another's inner traits first to become physically aroused. Men have been known to say they're "in love" when only looking at a female they don't know.
Females typically are drawn to someone due to their inner traits, their outlook, warmth, humor, appeal and yes, Chemistry can exist. We can get turned on by how they may look at us, their voice, manner.. but we want to know more about them. Unfortunately, it can be too easy to become physically involved - (and women should not be chastised for responding sexually also, being human) - it's just that they are motivated differently and have always had something different "marketed" to them than men have had, to otherwise develop a loving involvement. Romantic movies will promote this, even if not realistic.
I have reflected upon how when being young and sitting in a guy's vehicle in front of my place after a date. I would think, "He seems smart, is funny, polite and is so cute...." while he was likely thinking, "Well, she has great boobs...wonder if she'll sleep with me?"
I recall a guy during my 30's whom I thought was great, had lots of nice traits, we went places and enjoyed each other's company. As I felt we were becoming closer and developing something...yet at some point, he just cut off. It drove me nuts that he was not open with me, wanting to understand what happened, thinking he felt we were getting too close and couldn't handle it. (I recall thinking how it would be easier if one is just honest). Also, we have to understand how people develop differently, having their own issues, and if not mature or secure enough to open up about, they won't.
maybe.. I remember we were talking about a friend of mine and her love life and he said " I don't understand how people gets attached so easily".. on the first date he asked why I am not with my ex anymore, and I said it's because we lost our connection, he said he finds it hard to notice when this happens! maybe if he does not feel it he can't notice when it's not there anymore
He said he tried to connect with me, but I think this is just an excuse he tells to himself in order to not feel bad, he didn't ask me about almost anything, he talked and talked about his job without giving me time to participate.. I told him that at the party, and he was shocked, like, I think he realised that was true and didn't know what to say. In order to be able to fall in love you need to be in contact with your own emotions and you need to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable
maybe.. I remember we were talking about a friend of mine and her love life and he said " I don't understand how people gets attached so easily".. on the first date he asked why I am not with my ex anymore, and I said it's because we lost our connection, he said he finds it hard to notice when this happens! maybe if he does not feel it he can't notice when it's not there anymore
He said he tried to connect with me, but I think this is just an excuse he tells to himself in order to not feel bad, he didn't ask me about almost anything, he talked and talked about his job without giving me time to participate.. I told him that at the party, and he was shocked, like, I think he realised that was true and didn't know what to say. In order to be able to fall in love you need to be in contact with your own emotions and you need to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable
Why are you psycho-analyzing this guy? What do you expect/hope to gain from analyzing every conversation and interaction you've had with this man?
You should be old enough to know that people will go to extraordinary lengths to do the things they want to do. It's like the family member who couldn't make it to your wedding even though it was only a mile away and they had 6 months notice but somehow could find a way to make it halfway across the world for a music festival with only 48 hours notice. People put in the effort to do the things they really want to do and see the people they really want to see. This is the most important lesson you need to take away from this. If someone isn't putting in the effort to see/be with you, then you have your answer and you need to move on.
because I don't know why but I really felt something strong for him and before the first time we had a conversation about our expectations, where I said I don't want a FWB and he agreed
But what is YOUR definition of FWB? What is YOUR definition of "casual sex?"
What is HIS definition of FWB? What is HIS definition of "casual sex?"
For instance, *my* definition of FWB is having no-strings-attached sex with someone I already know as an established friend and not someone I've just met. We don't go out on dates. There's nothing romantic involved. In fact, we'd both be free--and agreeable to pursue romantic relationships.
Now, if I've just met someone TODAY, and we got to know each other a little bit during the day, and by the end of the day, he proposed having FWB, I'd look at him like he had 4 heads. Since I don't really know him, I wouldn't even call him a "friend."
Meanwhile, someone else might have a completely different definition of FWB.
And of course, plenty of people differ between FWB and "casual" sex.
You said that the two of you had a conversation about your expectations, but how 'deep' and specific was that conversation?
It may be that he has problems connecting emotionally and the detachment is part of what motivates him to only function physically. Men have had Sexual imagery marketed to them for eons, not having to do with getting to know another's inner traits first to become physically aroused. Men have been known to say they're "in love" when only looking at a female they don't know.
You don't have to go this deep into it. It's counterproductive. I don't think it's a good idea to try to rationalize unrequited love. All of your theorizing and psychoanalyzing will blow up in your face the moment you see pictures of your love interest in a happy relationship with someone else. We sometimes come up with all of these theories to spare a bruised ego.
With all the stuff you've written in this thread OP, if you put half this effort in getting to know him in advance, you wouldn't be in this situation.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
the problem is that you are asuming that I sleep around just because I had sex with him, and it is not true that I like to sleep around, actually it is not true at all, I reject many sex opportunities because I dont enjoy casual sex
Yes, I'm assuming that based on your actions and even some of your comments. If I'm assuming that, isn't it possible that this guy is assuming that too?
Quote:
Apart from that, if I dont have options for relationships with the men I have had interest, it's because I have a tendency to give credit to guys who are too inmature for relationships
If you're looking for a long-term relationship, shouldn't you be screening for this before sleeping with the guy and developing an emotional attachment?
Quote:
If you talk about biological heritage, I could use another argument, women does not want to settle with a player because we want a father for our kids!
That's not biological. In our evolutionary past, women often slept around and had several men be potential fathers. This actually benefitted the women because they could extract resources from several men at a time. This is why men evolved the way they did.
Your argument is more socioeconomic based and applies to monogamous societies before the state stepped in as a surrogate father.
In today's world, it makes no difference who a woman has children with because they could just get money from the welfare state and child support.
With all the stuff you've written in this thread OP, if you put half this effort in getting to know him in advance, you wouldn't be in this situation.
And not just getting to know him, but acting like she wants to get to know him.
The OP seems to be caught in this tangled web of, "I don't want to have 'casual sex' with you, but I don't want a relationship with you yet either, but I want to have sex with you, while trying to get to know you, and figure out what I want."
Umm...
MORE than 'casual sex', but LESS than relationship sex?
I said my expectations before having sex, but that did not stop him treating me like a FWB. Not even words matter, my friends and I we use to say that you can only trust actions and your own intuition.
If someone tells me straight away that they only want a casual relationship, I really appreciate they are being honest and I do not date them, guys know that if they are sincere from the beggining they won't be able to date/**** almost any girl
You had no idea how well you could trust this guy's word before you agreed to have sex with him, but you had sex with him anyways. You assumed that risk by your actions. You are free to have sex with guys you don't really know all that well, but sometimes it just not going to work out when you do that. That is on you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
With all the stuff you've written in this thread OP, if you put half this effort in getting to know him in advance, you wouldn't be in this situation.
Agreed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mink57
And not just getting to know him, but acting like she wants to get to know him.
The OP seems to be caught in this tangled web of, "I don't want to have 'casual sex' with you, but I don't want a relationship with you yet either, but I want to have sex with you, while trying to get to know you, and figure out what I want."
Umm...
MORE than 'casual sex', but LESS than relationship sex?
Agreed. The OP is making decisions for her life, but not taking accountibility for her own decisions and how they turned out.
maybe.. I remember we were talking about a friend of mine and her love life and he said " I don't understand how people gets attached so easily".. on the first date he asked why I am not with my ex anymore, and I said it's because we lost our connection, he said he finds it hard to notice when this happens! maybe if he does not feel it he can't notice when it's not there anymore
Some people become attached easily after sex. Usually women but some men too.
Those who do need to be self-protective and not get physical so soon.
Seems obvious but it also seems people aren't cautious enough in this area. Like they think "this time it will be ok" without really knowing if it will be. And then suffer when things don't work out.
Casual sex can be okay at a certain time in life (20s), maybe, but it's ultimately empty and at the same time can get messy with emotions. It's one of those things that sounds more exciting than it is in reality.
I think anyone who is mature finds out that sex with someone you care about is so superior to casual, it's a mark of immaturity to stay "stuck" at casual and not be able or willing to commit to something more meaningful. But some people never do.
And that's where it sounds like OP's guy is, hasn't matured and maybe isn't interested in doing so. Might not be any more complicated than that.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
