When women cheat, is it ever JUST for sex alone? (love, cheating)
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The act of cheating on someone would make me feel so unhappy I can’t imagine having sex in that frame of mind: guilty and unhappy.
That’s why I know, whether man or woman, you can’t put the blame on someone else, because there has to be something in your character that would enable you to enjoy that kind of thing.
My ex-husband cheated and was forever accusing me of that, or thinking about that, or doing it in revenge. I told him no, that’s my “revenge”, I would never do that, you have to live with yourself.
The last relationship I had, ended in 2012 because of his cheating. We were together for almost 5 years.
I spent the next 6 months tearfully doing research on why people (yes, men and women) cheat.
Cheating is a selfish act, that has NOTHING to do with person who was cheated on, nor does it have anything to do with the relationship. If the cheater doesn't like certain things about his/her partner, and/or the relationship, the cheater always has options, besides cheating. They can go to counseling with their partner. They can elect to go to counseling alone...they can end the relationship. Even if their partner refuses to attend counseling, the cheater can still elect to go alone OR end the relationship.
Cheaters often created a completely different narrative about their partner/relationship in order to justify their cheating. One woman said that the reason she cheated was because her husband ”never bought her flowers.” Luckily, the husband was meticulous with their finances, and was able to prove that he bought her flowers...17 times in the 8 years they were together. Ironically, her lover never bought her flowers during their 18 month affair...
Men and women often do cheat for different reasons. Men, mostly for sex. Women, mostly for the emotional comfort she's not getting from her partner. But the underlying reason for both genders is selfishness.
Both genders are often asked if they tried talking to their partner about some of the issues they were having. Both genders claim 'yes'...at least, at first. But it's also discovered that the cheater really didn't communicate their angst to their partner. In a number of scenarios, the cheater expected their partner to 'read their mind'...or they made a lame attempt to communicate...or they really didn't communicate at all.
The point is, that ALL of the cheater's excuses for cheating have been busted wide open. The fact that the cheater ALWAYS has other options, but doesn't want to use them, is no excuse for cheating.
Wouldnt the same thing apply to the married women who are sleeping with the, "total douche"?
Yep there was one story where the wife cheated, got divorced, slandered her husband in court and to friends and married her AP. Turns out he is a wife beater and was pleading to her ex for help.
I was thinking a liar, slanderer, and adulterer married to a home wrecker and wife-beater. Sounds like a good match.
One of my married guy friend's went to a convention met a woman there and had sex with her. But the thing is that he said he is completely happy with his wife and has no intention nor no desire of leaving her, this was just a one time thing that happened mostly because the opportunity happened and he went for it. He feels a little guilty about doing it, but decided he just isn't going to mention it to his wife.
But that had me thinking do women do that too? Or is cheating about problems in primary relationships for women. Off hand I can't think of any woman who has cheated where there weren't some issues she was having in the relationship where her needs weren't being met, but people often don't want to talk about cheating too. What do women tell each other when they have cheated in a relationship? I am wondering is this an actual gender difference or not?
I think it is the same for both genders. Sex at a convention with a stranger you never see again = 0% chance your partner finds out. I am sure a lot of people go for it, men or women.
And it is not "just sex alone." It is being admired, being wanted, attention, feeling sexy, feeling worthy, ego .... the act itself is probably the least part of it.
I think it is the same for both genders. Sex at a convention with a stranger you never see again = 0% chance your partner finds out. I am sure a lot of people go for it, men or women.
And it is not "just sex alone." It is being admired, being wanted, attention, feeling sexy, feeling worthy, ego .... the act itself is probably the least part of it.
Ego is really what it's all about.
*I* deserve... (admiration, being wanted, attention, feeling sexy, feeling worthy...)
*I* want...(admiration, being wanted, attention, feeling sexy, feeling worthy...)
*I* should have...(admiration, being wanted, attention, feeling sexy, feeling worthy...)
Too many times these days, if that if someone feels that they want, deserve, or should have, admiration, being wanted, attention, feeling sexy, feeling worthy, that they "should" automatically HAVE those things...
One of my married guy friend's went to a convention met a woman there and had sex with her. But the thing is that he said he is completely happy with his wife and has no intention nor no desire of leaving her, this was just a one time thing that happened mostly because the opportunity happened and he went for it. He feels a little guilty about doing it, but decided he just isn't going to mention it to his wife.
But that had me thinking do women do that too? Or is cheating about problems in primary relationships for women. Off hand I can't think of any woman who has cheated where there weren't some issues she was having in the relationship where her needs weren't being met, but people often don't want to talk about cheating too. What do women tell each other when they have cheated in a relationship? I am wondering is this an actual gender difference or not?
Thinking of my friends....I don't think most of the women I know would tell even their best friend if they were cheating.
I haven't talked to a lot of cheating women. Most won't discuss or admit it. Those few who will, often will go on to talk about how unhappy they were in the primary relatonship... But did they cheat because they were so unhappy, or did they talk about how unhappy they were, to excuse or justify their own infidelity, and guilty feelings about it? Hmm? Always consider that people may not be honest...not only with me or you, but with themselves.
But I do know a lot of women who led the way into wanting open relationships, poly or swinging or kink or other kinds of expansive sexual explorations, and were kinda dragging a bewildered man in their wake, who hopefully was at least willing to be a good sport and check it out, but in some cases these guys were really NOT into it, whatever it was. And sometimes it caused the end of that relationship. But the point being...in these communities we actually see far more women being the instigators. Not what mainstream folks would assume, that it would be men wanting more sexual adventure, or that poly means a man with a "harem" of women...when usually it means two people trying to date and the woman having more success at it, or even more often, a complicated network of partners forming (a "polycule.")
I suspect, in conclusion, that most folks do not want to be a "bad person" whatever that means in context of their own culture and upbringing and mindset. And society gives much more allowance for men to be motivated by "just sex" ("it didn't mean anything, it was just sex" is almost an excuse) whereas if a woman makes that claim, she is a <insert your favorite name for a woman who likes sex for its own sake here, there are plenty to choose from.> Also, society gives much more space for a man's needs to be important, heard, an expectation that they should be met one way or another. A man not getting sex at home can be kinda understandable if he seeks it elsewhere, after all, he NEEDS it. But a woman...well...even if her needs are emotional and not being met, she should maybe call her Mom or go to brunch with her bestie? Who asked what she needed, anyways, doesn't she have somebody to make a sandwich for? But if she wants sex, why isn't she asking her husband for that, surely he would cooperate! Since it's assumed that all men want it all the time, right? Or maybe she could be a joke, like Peggy Bundy. Such an offputting nuisance when a woman wants things. Nag, nag, nag.
Like there are a hundred voices from society around us that could pop up in anybody's head in judgment of whatever we do, and I suspect that getting honesty in the same space as all of that noise, might not always be easy.
Annnnd.... Even if a woman were willing to admit she was after a sexual thrill, what would that mean? Probably not the same thing it would mean to a guy, the conquest, the getting of one's rocks off. Might actually just mean the joy of having a man look upon us with heat and desire in his eyes. Because husbands usually stop doing that, even if the wife is attractive and stays that way. Guys tend to reach a point of just kind of ignoring the wife, or if they want sex, they are pleading with puppy eyes, not stalking like a tiger. Men tend to put a lot more energy into pursuit of something new and strange, than they do the tending of an existing sexual relationship even if it's one they desperately want to keep happy and active. And women...are...responsive... So.
That is a good point women might be just as willing to agree to a one off fling in a perfectly fine relationship. but might also be much more concerned with reputation management so they come up with a narrative about the couple having problems so that she seems more likeable. That feels like behavior women would be much better than men
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
I think it is the same for both genders. Sex at a convention with a stranger you never see again = 0% chance your partner finds out. I am sure a lot of people go for it, men or women.
And it is not "just sex alone." It is being admired, being wanted, attention, feeling sexy, feeling worthy, ego .... the act itself is probably the least part of it.
Those are both really good points.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL
The act of cheating on someone would make me feel so unhappy I can’t imagine having sex in that frame of mind: guilty and unhappy.
That’s why I know, whether man or woman, you can’t put the blame on someone else, because there has to be something in your character that would enable you to enjoy that kind of thing.
My ex-husband cheated and was forever accusing me of that, or thinking about that, or doing it in revenge. I told him no, that’s my “revenge”, I would never do that, you have to live with yourself.
That is interesting. I can totally see why having sex while feeling guilty would have no appeal to you, but in high school, I had a friend who used to shoplift for the thrill of getting away with something, so I could see that one cutting both ways.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mink57
The last relationship I had, ended in 2012 because of his cheating. We were together for almost 5 years.
I spent the next 6 months tearfully doing research on why people (yes, men and women) cheat.
Cheating is a selfish act, that has NOTHING to do with person who was cheated on, nor does it have anything to do with the relationship. If the cheater doesn't like certain things about his/her partner, and/or the relationship, the cheater always has options, besides cheating. They can go to counseling with their partner. They can elect to go to counseling alone...they can end the relationship. Even if their partner refuses to attend counseling, the cheater can still elect to go alone OR end the relationship.
Cheaters often created a completely different narrative about their partner/relationship in order to justify their cheating. One woman said that the reason she cheated was because her husband ”never bought her flowers.” Luckily, the husband was meticulous with their finances, and was able to prove that he bought her flowers...17 times in the 8 years they were together. Ironically, her lover never bought her flowers during their 18 month affair...
Men and women often do cheat for different reasons. Men, mostly for sex. Women, mostly for the emotional comfort she's not getting from her partner. But the underlying reason for both genders is selfishness.
Both genders are often asked if they tried talking to their partner about some of the issues they were having. Both genders claim 'yes'...at least, at first. But it's also discovered that the cheater really didn't communicate their angst to their partner. In a number of scenarios, the cheater expected their partner to 'read their mind'...or they made a lame attempt to communicate...or they really didn't communicate at all.
The point is, that ALL of the cheater's excuses for cheating have been busted wide open. The fact that the cheater ALWAYS has other options, but doesn't want to use them, is no excuse for cheating.
I was thinking about the bolded part when I started this thread, trying to work out if that is just something we say or whether it is actually true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver
I'm not wild about this premise. Because it supposes that if a man cheats it's his fault--but if a woman cheats, it's his fault, too.
*I* deserve... (admiration, being wanted, attention, feeling sexy, feeling worthy...)
*I* want...(admiration, being wanted, attention, feeling sexy, feeling worthy...)
*I* should have...(admiration, being wanted, attention, feeling sexy, feeling worthy...)
Too many times these days, if that if someone feels that they want, deserve, or should have, admiration, being wanted, attention, feeling sexy, feeling worthy, that they "should" automatically HAVE those things...
...regardless of who they are as people.
I had an employee like that. And while I never actively looked into her extracurricular activities, there were red flags everywhere. Like the time my wife and I went out to eat and she was at the same restaurant making googly eyes with a guy ten years younger than her, certainly not her husband. When I strolled up to the table to say hello, she introduced him as "my cousin." Yeah, right. I never looked at my cousins like that.
As another example, I was working through lunch. My receptionist had gone on an errand and, because of the hour, the office was pretty much empty. I heard the ding of the elevator and footsteps in the lobby.
I got up from my desk and find two people standing, both with name tags identifying themselves as sales representatives of the Airport Holiday Inn. One of them was holding a presentation folder.
They asked for Cindy, who was also out to lunch. When they learned I was the owner, they immediately thanked me for being such an excellent customer of the Airport Holiday Inn. And how they were going to give us special discounts due to the volume of our business.
Let me be clear here. I have never set foot in that Holiday Inn. And I would never have dreamed of booking one of my clients into that Holiday Inn, given how it's in a pretty skeevy part of town.
Even as they gave me their sales pitch, I put two and two together. Cindy was reserving rooms at the Holiday Inn on her corporate American Express and then paying cash for the room. So, as a result, her activities would have been completely untraceable if it had not been for the crack Holiday Inn sales team showing up in my lobby.
So I thanked them for the folder and wished them on their way. When Cindy returned from lunch, I simply handed her the folder and reported how the Holiday Inn was grateful for all the business from the company.
I kind of expected some kind of reaction. Instead, I simply got a "Huh. That's weird. I wonder why?" And she wandered back to her office.
When I fired her a few months later, my partner and I listened to her voicemail. It was literally one guy after another reporting when he would be in town and how he'd love to get together. To this day, I can't decide if she was just fooling around with a lot of guys or running a call girl operation out of my office. But she was a total narcissist, all about her looks and almost desperate to be the center of attention.
Thinking of my friends....I don't think most of the women I know would tell even their best friend if they were cheating.
That is a surprise, I thought women pretty much shared everything, well at least much more than men. What is weird is that I am not super close to this guy either. I have known him for a while and I ran into him on the bike trail and he told me that story. I thought he just was looking for someone to get that story off his chest and I was right time, right place,
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